I'm here to tell you there are lots of Christians who aren't anything like the preconceived notions you may have. We're not all into "turning the other cheek." We don't spend our days committing random acts of kindness for no credit. And although we believe that the moral precepts in the Book of Leviticus are the infallible word of God, it doesn't mean we're all obsessed with extremist notions like "righteousness" and "justice."
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good thing you prefaced that with a reference to the Onion... it's getting harder and harder to tell what's satire and what isn't...
The article is written tongue in cheek, but it gives a pretty accurate description of what the local yokels in Texas really believe. The only thing missing is the Most Important Factoid. Some rube once asked Jesus what the most important Law was and he heard, in response, about the Golden Rule. But my neighbors haven't heard about that. No, to them the One and Only Rule is this: Jesus Died. Yup. He died for their sins and THAT's the important bit.