Sex Advice From An Amateur

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One of the perks of keeping a well-visited blog is that you get to spy on people using search engines. Extreme Tracking keeps a list for me of the latest search terms which have led people to Aard. It turns out that they’re always largely porn surfers. My entry about the German locksmith who has four children with his long-lost sister / common-law wife attracts continual interest from people who are probably really disappointed to find nothing prurient there. And there’s always the people who mistype “big booty” and end up at my entry about Iron Age war booty found sacrificed in bogs.

Before we move on to the sex advice, here are a few good search terms I’ve collected lately. Remember, all of these are actual phrases that somebody searched for, and which led them to Aard.

  • “statistically fucked” (What are my chances?)

  • “maximum times woman want be fucked” (The public demands to know!)
  • “rude photos of viking goddess freya”
  • “brother and sister together we’ll make sex”
  • “girl console oneself picture” (Lovely way to express it.)
  • “is sweden nude” (Yes)
  • “free orgies in medicine hat” (Is that a place or a garment?!)
  • “masterbation disembodied entities”
  • “why do humans have sex like animals” (Oh, why!?!)
  • “lego star wars girls having sex”

But the other day I happened upon a sex-related search term that was more about someone with a problem looking for help. And feeling that I should offer what assistance I can, I’ll give some free amateur’s sex advice. I’m placing it below the fold to enable you, Dear Reader, to skip it if you’re not interested in frank discussion of what bits go where.


Somebody recently searched for “how to tell husband not to enter vagina after anal” and ended up here on Aard. I feel great sympathy for the person asking.

There are several ways to interpret the situation here, but I’m going to assume that the person asking is Mrs. Ukulele, who enjoys a good non-coercive sex life with her husband Mr. Ukulele – except that they aren’t talking much about what goes on in their bed, and he needs to learn some basics. Here’s my advice.

Dear Mr. Ukulele, I have a message for you. Do not enter vagina after anal unless you wash your penis thoroughly first. You don’t want to shove poo up there, because it can cause an infection of the ovaries, making your wife severely ill and possibly damaging her reproductive organs permanently. Hopping the other way, from vadge to butt, is dandy though if Mrs. Ukulele enjoys it. There is nothing in her vadge that will damage her butt, just natural lube. And do try talking to her more in bed, OK? Thank you.

Comments

  1. #1 Whiskeyjack
    August 29, 2010

    Well, I can clear up one question for you: Medicine Hat is indeed a place. http://www.medicinehat.ca

    The other search terms I find as baffling as you did. I’ve no idea how it could have brought someone here, though.:)

  2. #2 Martin R
    August 29, 2010

    How sad. I still treasure my mental image of people participating in an orgy, all wearing medicine hats.

  3. #3 mk
    August 29, 2010

    Well… that image is now permanently in my head! Thanks. ;^}

  4. #4 Phillip IV
    August 29, 2010

    “Talking more in bed” would likewise be sound advice for the guy who googled “maximum times woman want be fucked”. Especially since I rather suspect that quantity might depend partially on the quality on offer. But it’s amazing how shy some people are talking about sex even with people they’re having sex with.

    But the thing about rude Freya pics you brought on yourself, with all of your talk about Freya changing places with Odin. =P

  5. #5 Bob Carlson
    August 29, 2010

    I still treasure my mental image of people participating in an orgy, all wearing medicine hats.

    Per the Medicine Hat Wikipedia, medicine hats were only worn by medicine men, so maybe they had all the fun:

    The name “Medicine Hat” is the English translation of ‘Saamis’ (SA-MUS)- the Blackfoot word for the eagle tail feather headdress worn by medicine men – or ‘Medicine Hat’.

  6. #6 Pierce R. Butler
    August 29, 2010

    Of course, I had to go see what entry had produced a result here for “masterbation disembodied entities”. In the interests of science, naturally.

    Google put this very post at the top of its list, but none of the next 30 results had anything from Aardvarchaeology. At least, I did learn that:

    In the Hebrew Talmud masturbation is warned against because with each act are created incubi or succubi or disembodied entities…

    No wonder the ectosphere is so crowded that paranormal researchers just can’t obtain consistent outcomes.

    Then I went back to the 1st page of results and noticed the “Show more results from scienceblogs.com” option, which led me to Singularity and AI Free Will (the relevant search terms being found in separate comments).

    I stand in awe of the individual so jaded that such extreme stimulus is needed to induce relief.

  7. #7 Martin R
    August 29, 2010

    Phil, I like the fact that the guy wants rude Freya pics, not nude ones.

    “In the Hebrew Talmud masturbation is warned against because with each act are created incubi or succubi or disembodied entities…” No wonder the ectosphere is so crowded that paranormal researchers just can’t obtain consistent outcomes.

    Hurh hurh, he said “outcomes”. Hurh hurh…

  8. #8 Lycanthrope
    August 29, 2010

    There is a town called Medicine Hat in Alberta, Canada. I suspect that’s what our thrifty sex fiend was after.

  9. #9 Art
    August 29, 2010

    It is heartening that despite claims that we are not related to monkeys, entirely ignoring all the assertions that we are above such things, and despite all our aspirations to loftier ideals and purer motives, the evidence shows that we are still primates and naturally spend a lot of time thinking about sex.

    Politics proves we have never gotten over the habit of throwing feces at rivals either.

  10. #10 dogteam
    September 3, 2010

    Medicine Hat is indeed a city here in Alberta, though I’m a bit shocked…I hadn’t really considered it a hotbed of free orgies. Are there orgies that have a cover charge? I suppose so…
    I’d Google it and find out, but I’d probably only get back to your blog…

  11. #11 sean
    September 3, 2010

    I live in Medicine Hat. if there are free orgies happening, I would like to know. purely for journalistic reason only ;)

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