One of the perks of keeping a well-visited blog is that you get to spy on people using search engines. Extreme Tracking keeps a list for me of the latest search terms which have led people to Aard. It turns out that they’re always largely porn surfers. My entry about the German locksmith who has four children with his long-lost sister / common-law wife attracts continual interest from people who are probably really disappointed to find nothing prurient there. And there’s always the people who mistype “big booty” and end up at my entry about Iron Age war booty found sacrificed in bogs.
Before we move on to the sex advice, here are a few good search terms I’ve collected lately. Remember, all of these are actual phrases that somebody searched for, and which led them to Aard.
- “statistically fucked” (What are my chances?)
- “maximum times woman want be fucked” (The public demands to know!)
- “rude photos of viking goddess freya”
- “brother and sister together we’ll make sex”
- “girl console oneself picture” (Lovely way to express it.)
- “is sweden nude” (Yes)
- “free orgies in medicine hat” (Is that a place or a garment?!)
- “masterbation disembodied entities”
- “why do humans have sex like animals” (Oh, why!?!)
- “lego star wars girls having sex”
But the other day I happened upon a sex-related search term that was more about someone with a problem looking for help. And feeling that I should offer what assistance I can, I’ll give some free amateur’s sex advice. I’m placing it below the fold to enable you, Dear Reader, to skip it if you’re not interested in frank discussion of what bits go where.
Somebody recently searched for “how to tell husband not to enter vagina after anal” and ended up here on Aard. I feel great sympathy for the person asking.
There are several ways to interpret the situation here, but I’m going to assume that the person asking is Mrs. Ukulele, who enjoys a good non-coercive sex life with her husband Mr. Ukulele – except that they aren’t talking much about what goes on in their bed, and he needs to learn some basics. Here’s my advice.
Dear Mr. Ukulele, I have a message for you. Do not enter vagina after anal unless you wash your penis thoroughly first. You don’t want to shove poo up there, because it can cause an infection of the ovaries, making your wife severely ill and possibly damaging her reproductive organs permanently. Hopping the other way, from vadge to butt, is dandy though if Mrs. Ukulele enjoys it. There is nothing in her vadge that will damage her butt, just natural lube. And do try talking to her more in bed, OK? Thank you.