Angry Toxicologist

Meathead of the Week: The Bush Adminstration Official who blocked the Surgeon General from going to the Special Olympics because it’s supported by the Kennedys. “Why would you want to help those people?”. New low for the Bush admin. What are they, 3rd graders? Forget that, even most third graders wouldn’t use disabled people in a twisted vendetta.

I had a whole mess of things to talk about today but I’m so darn excited about this that everything else would just cheapen the post…

Do you feel it?
It’s the Chi machine! It’s got 6, count ‘em 6, major benefits! Let’s start at the top…

1. CELLULAR ACTIVATION Massage stimulation to the sympathetic nervous system opens up the bronchioles to provide maximum oxygen access to the lungs, simultaneously the blood flow to and from the lungs is increased, enhancing oxygen exchange from the lungs to the blood and therefore to the body cells, to excite cellular metabolism.

Oooo, scientificy! I already feel cellularly excited! Tell me more!

2. SPINAL BALANCING With the body relaxed in the lying position with no weight on the spine, the massage unit will influence a correction to certain conditions of mis-alignment. Such corrective action can in turn cure or alleviate complications arising in vertebrae joints from certain spinal mis-alignment.

No weight on the spine? It’s an anti-gravity machine too! I can’t use enough ‘!’!

3. IMPROVING THE IMMUNE SYSTEM The Sun Ancon massager stimulates globulin production which increases the immune systems defense capacity thereby providing greater freedom from disorders and disease.

That’s right, this here thang is the freedom machine. If you don’t buy it you are against freedom. Why do you hate our freedom? You are an immune terrorist. I will send you to the immune Gitmo, which is the colon.

4. BLOOD PRODUCTION Blood is produced in the spleen and spinal bone marrow. Reduction of spleenal blood production can arise from the spleen’s susceptibility to damage. The massager’s action on the spine stimulates the sympathetic nervous system which increases spinal ‘marrow’ blood production. Any form of anaemia can be benefited by this massage action.

It helps you make blood! Does the Red Cross know about this? I’m massaging my spleen right now and boy howdy, do I feel better already! Very cellularly excited.

5. RESTORATION OF BALANCE TO THE AUTONOMIC NERVOUS SYSTEM If the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems fail to ensure balance of function, insomnia, excessive dreaming, digestive problems, stomach pain, palpitation, anxiety, constipation, neurasthenia and extensive forms of aches and pains as well as mental stress may surface. The influence of the massager on the sympathetic nervous system can restore the vital balance to nervous system, resulting in restoration of health from such conditions.

My autonomic nervous system has been off balance ever since those people were talking while I was trying to balance the sixth and seventh chakras through the vibrations in the parsva sirsasana. Threw my dang chi right off.

6. EXERCISING INTERNAL ORGANS Western medical science is beginning to consider ancient eastern traditions that focus healing and good health on a life force energy which flows in channels through all living forms. Acupuncture and associated therapies are being increasingly used by western practioners to ‘invigorate’ the life-force energy flow to restore health to unhealthy organs. The Chinese refer to this energy as ‘Chi’. The Sun Ancon massager will aid in unblocking the ‘Chi’ pathways and ensure a maximum flow of this healing source, through all body organs, to restore normal or improved functioning to impaired organs and body systems related to such organs.

Work that spleen! Flex that pancreas! No liver pain, no liver gain! Free the Chi!!!!!!!!

Weekly Aural Pleasure: To help you get through the next 2-3 weeks till your Chi Machine arrives, you can watch this ’cause this hippie’s chi is surely topped off. Quite possibly the best thing I’ve seen in months.

Comments

  1. #1 DaveX
    July 18, 2007

    I think you’re right about the video– he’s brimming over with Chi!

  2. #2 Zuska
    July 18, 2007

    Oh geez I gotta get me some of that! The hippie, I mean, not the chi machine. That is quite possibly the coolest three minutes I’ve ever wasted in my life. Where in hell did you find that? Don’t answer!

    Welcome to science blogs from a fellow Scibling!

  3. #3 Ezekiel Buchheit
    July 18, 2007

    Okay, I’m just a microbiology undergrad with enough semesters left to go to know I don’t know much, but isn’t to “provide maximum oxygen access to the lungs, simultaneously the blood flow to and from the lungs is increased, enhancing oxygen exchange from the lungs to the blood and therefore to the body cells” done like through, I dunno, cardiovascular exercise? Isn’t laying down and not moving sort of what cardiovascular exercise isn’t?

  4. #4 AT
    July 18, 2007

    Well, Zuska, once upon a time I did some acting work (that’s me in the grey suit). Gotta love the close-ups.

    Zeke, Hah! However, you forgot your chi. Without your chi all your excercise is for naught! ;)

  5. #5 Lepht
    July 19, 2007

    Why do you hate our freedom? You are an immune terrorist. I will send you to the immune Gitmo, which is the colon.

    Tox, dare i ask why the colon gets to be Gitmo? what’s wrong with the liver?

    also, thankyou for the permanent mental scar. damn chi-wielding seventies dancing sax-playing afro bhangra disco hippies.

    Lepht

  6. #6 BruceH
    July 19, 2007

    I thought the guy in the suit was great. The part where he smiles after taking a puff from his cigar was perfectly sublime.

  7. #7 noreen
    July 23, 2007

    Hey guys, the machine is great. I own one and it is easy to use and has controlable speeds to shake the lower part of the body from side to side. Even with back problems, this machine doesn’t hurt them. I recommend it to all.

  8. #8 Lepht
    July 24, 2007

    hey Tox, you got a woo visitor. Noreen, if you’re still around:

    tell us how you know chi is real.

    Lepht