Mike Dunford was a graduate student in the Department of Zoology at the University of Hawaii, Manoa, where he studied evolution. Life as an army spouse has since moved him on to Pensacola, where he's currently trying to figure out what to do next. While he's doing that, he writes stuff here, although not usually in the third person. He's also a contributer to Every now and then, it feels like I'm living in a Bill Cosby skit.
I'm wandering around the house, talking on the phone, when our cat Pounce decides to make his need for attention and affection known by walking up and swatting me in the back of the leg.
Before I go any farther, I should probably take a second or two to explain Pounce. Right now, we have three cats. Two of them are named Pounce. They share a single body. One of the two is absolutely the sweetest, most affectionate kitten you'll ever meet. The other is a psychotic bundle of fur that dashes off in a random direction, bouncing off the furniture, whenever it hears a loud noise, like a sneeze or a yawn. Whenever you look at the cat, it flips a coin to see who gets to run the body this time.
Anyway, the cute and fuzzy Pounce walked over and affectionately rubbed against my leg. Then it switched gears, transformed into the maniac, and attacked my ankle.
I said, "Hey, Stupid Ass! Knock it off!"
And the dog got up and walked over to see what I wanted.
It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"
--Bill Cosby
Comments
Dude, if you're gonna compare yourself to the Cos, I have some demands.
1. Wear terrible sweaters. All the time. This is a non-negotiable.
2. Jell-O Pudding Pops. Have one with you at all times.
3. Rename your children "Rudy" and "Theo."
4. Smoke more cigars.
5. Make the following noise frequently: "Bawwwwwwwwwww."
6. Repeat steps 1 through 5.
Posted by: dan | November 20, 2008 1:33 PM
More Rules for Radicals, please!
Posted by: James Haughton | November 20, 2008 10:50 PM
I would argue that living like the above 6 rules WOULD be radical.
I mean, to quote Henry David Thoreau, "Simplify, simplify."
And then, back to Bill Cosby, "Jello Puddin' Pops are delicious."
Posted by: dan | November 21, 2008 6:04 AM
I would argue that adopting six rules is not simple. First of all, there are six of them. Second, Rule 5 has been completely exhausted. Third is the amount of effort required to arrive at six rules. Every time I try it I get stuck at nine.
Does anyone remember the Cosby routine that includes the line, "Turtle heads, Daddy!"?
Posted by: Crudely Wrott | November 21, 2008 9:56 PM
Every dog I have ever had has answered to "stupid." The current one slinks out of the room if the cat does anything she (the dog) thinks is going to get her (the cat) in trouble.
Posted by: BaldApe | November 30, 2008 10:35 AM
If the Cos is too modern there is always James Thurber - the story of him having a big dog that tried to fit a 4-foot board through a two-foot fence is hilarious!
PS, maybe you should name the cat Two-Face.
Posted by: KeithB | December 1, 2008 1:49 PM