Dr. Joan Bushwell's Chimpanzee Refuge

Curses

There is a fun programming assignment I give to my freshman Python class. I call it curses. An example of it (written in Java, with source) can be found here. Basically, the program generates a series of denunciations, each followed by a somewhat odd curse. For example: “You noisy pile of squashed dog snot- May your TV set gyrate madly!” or “You mindless sponge of rotting spam- May your buttocks emit a loud buzzing noise!” (try it, you might find it entertaining). The purpose of the assignment is to show the students how to use random numbers to access tuples (random array indexing for you non-Python programmers).

(fun stuff and naughty bits below the fold)


As expected, the students this week seemed to learn a little while being entertained. I always like to see what they come up with (today, someone’s “grandma was on the bus to stupid town”). This eventually led to a conversation with a few of my associates, namely, “What are your favorite colorful expressions or vulgarities?” Some were quite simple such as the golfer who, upon missing a shot, always says “cock breath!” I don’t really find that phrase too offensive as it might be an apt descriptor for a sizable segment of the population, although perhaps a little mouth wash might be in order for some people if the effect is obvious. Others were a bit more colorful and inventive. For example, when describing something devoid of surface features, an old friend of mine always says that it is “flatter than piss on a plate”. I am not aware if the surface tension of urine is any weaker than that of tap water, but saying “flatter than water on a plate” just doesn’t have the same sort of zip. Maybe it’s the alliteration. Speaking of which, one fellow offered his favorite answer to whether or not it’s hot outside: “It’s hotter than a fresh-fucked fox in forest fire.” As to whether or not it’s wet/raining, the winner was “wetter than a double-cunted cow pissing on a flat rock”. Once again, urine makes an appearance. I guess scatological references are a perennial winner.

What’s my personal favorite? For a completely screwed-up, chaotic situation, (AKA “a cluster fuck”), many years ago I coined the phrase “It’s a duck-fuckers paradise”. You see, I have this mental image of a group of out-of-shape middle-aged guys running around inside a fenced pen, pants at their ankles, chasing a bunch of clipped-wing ducks for a little “afternoon delight”. To me, that’s as good a definition of chaos as there is (and certainly not something I want to be in the midst of).

So what’s yours?

Comments

  1. #1 rehana
    November 16, 2007

    Oh, for fucking out loud.

  2. #2 Rebecca
    November 16, 2007

    Perhaps you’ve heard the expression “He really screwed the pooch on that one” to describe a situation where a person has seriously messed up. My husband and his coworkers use a variation that I find wonderfully rude.

    Instead of “screwed the pooch” they say “dicked the dog”.

  3. #3 Dr Eye
    November 16, 2007

    As useless as tits on a boar hog.
    This is an all too often all to apt description of people and things.
    I had a buddy in college who would describe failure (his own and other’s) as shitting the bed.
    “Well, eye”, he’d say, “you really shit the bed this time, didn’t ya?”

  4. #4 Warren
    November 16, 2007

    My favorite? From Heathers: Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

    I am not aware if the surface tension of urine is any weaker than that of tap water, but saying “flatter than water on a plate” just doesn’t have the same sort of zip.

    He’s obviously referring to day-old urine, which has lost all its fizz.

    You see, I have this mental image of a group of out-of-shape middle-aged guys running around inside a fenced pen, pants at their ankles, chasing a bunch of clipped-wing ducks for a little “afternoon delight”.

    Why Jim, you never told us you’ve been hunting with Dick Cheney…

  5. #5 chezjake
    November 16, 2007

    To describe something very heavy — “It’s heavier than a lead minister.”

    To describe hitting something (or someone) very hard — “He hit it just as tight as he could jump.”

    Both first heard in Maine back in the early ’60s.

The site is currently under maintenance and will be back shortly. New comments have been disabled during this time, please check back soon.