Casaubon's Book

Darn that Environment!

From My Favorite News Source, which manages always to put its finger on the problem:

“I think everybody is getting a little fed-up with the hurricanes, earthquakes, and tsunamis,” EPA engineer Thomas Bergman said. “Not to mention UV rays and acid rain. And, not to be petty, but shark attacks? Mankind doesn’t have enough on its plate already without having to worry about getting eaten alive by killer sharks? I’m sorry, but that is just unacceptable.”

Added Bergman, “The environment may be in peril, but it has no right to treat us like animals.”

In an impassioned final warning, Administrator Jackson announced that if the environment did not start helping to stave off global catastrophe soon, it could face “serious repercussions” from humanity in the coming years, including massive Styrofoam-cup usage, oil spills, and exponentially higher emission rates.

“It becomes very frustrating when you give, and you give, and you give, and you get nothing in return,” said Jackson, holding back tears. “And after you’ve exhausted yourself from all that giving, you leave work and have two measly hours of sunlight before it gets dark or starts pouring down rain on you out of nowhere. It’s like the environment doesn’t even care. And what’s with the leaves everywhere? Every fall, with the goddamn leaves! What are we, your servants? We’re supposed to pick up after you? Jesus, if I find one more leaf or fallen branch clogging up my gutters, I swear to God, I’m going to snap.”

“Stupid environment,” Jackson added. “Sometimes I wish it would just go away

Just a little gratitude, don’t you think?



  1. #1 Lyle
    May 12, 2010

    I am so that I could verify your “news source”…

  2. #2 Jadehawk
    May 12, 2010

    I believe this is what they call an “Epic Win” 🙂

  3. #3 blf
    May 13, 2010

    Just a little gratitude, don’t you think?

    The shark swims up to the surfboarder, hugs and kisses the dude, apologies for doing all those mean and nasty things, and then eats her/him.

    Feel better now?

  4. #4 Greenpa
    May 13, 2010

    “Stupid environment,” Jackson added. “Sometimes I wish it would just go away.”

    Yup. Brilliant, in a very painful way. And provably an attitude that has been cultivated by mainstream western culture for centuries, at least.

  5. #5 Paul S.
    May 13, 2010

    Hilarious, but for me it also raises a serious point. I think people sometimes romanticize nature and the natural world a little too much. In fact, nature, for all its complexity and beauty, is quite indifferent to the welfare of humans or any other particular group of organisms. With that in mind, it’s no wonder that humans have been doing what they can to alter nature into something that’s friendlier and more hospitable to us for as long as the human species has existed.

  6. #6 Sharon Astyk
    May 13, 2010

    True, Paul, although I also think that what’s obvious but interesting about this is our perception (and I think The Onion gets this) that the environment won’t meet us halfway, when it is more than doing so – that is, the environment absorbs an astounding amount of our outputs with only minimal feedbacks – and we don’t really quite see that, with our eyes on the shark attacks ;-).


  7. #7 Greenpa
    May 13, 2010

    “nature, for all its complexity and beauty, is quite indifferent to the welfare of humans or any other particular group of organisms”

    Of course, yes. The thing to remember is that OUR own organism is not at all indifferent in the other direction.

    For example; yesterday I spent a good half hour trying to come up with some way to communicate effectively how my air smelled that morning. I really wanted to make a post on my own blog about it; but I gave up.

    It would have come across, to those not in the choir, as eco-bleating. (ooh, I like that; just popped into my head.)

    Briefly; for a few days each spring, here in my woods surrounded by beef farmers, my air smells- and far beyond smell, feels- utterly, incredibly, rich and pure.

    It’s more like food than air. It’s 180° from odorless; there are identifiable odors of several flowers, soil, wet moss… and far more that is unidentifiable; but ALL of it is deeply, powerfully nourishing.

    I gave up trying to communicate it because for most readers, I really think it would mean nothing to them. A great many people have, I think, never shared that experience, and may actually be unable to conceive of it. And many would be depressed about it, in any case.

    But oh- it’s important to our species.

  8. #8 nm
    May 13, 2010

    Oh my goodness, that’s funny. Horribly, horribly accurate, but funny. I hope you also saw the article on poor Noam Chomsky trying to take a day off.

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