From My Favorite News Source, which manages always to put its finger on the problem:
“I think everybody is getting a little fed-up with the hurricanes, earthquakes, and tsunamis,” EPA engineer Thomas Bergman said. “Not to mention UV rays and acid rain. And, not to be petty, but shark attacks? Mankind doesn’t have enough on its plate already without having to worry about getting eaten alive by killer sharks? I’m sorry, but that is just unacceptable.”
Added Bergman, “The environment may be in peril, but it has no right to treat us like animals.”
In an impassioned final warning, Administrator Jackson announced that if the environment did not start helping to stave off global catastrophe soon, it could face “serious repercussions” from humanity in the coming years, including massive Styrofoam-cup usage, oil spills, and exponentially higher emission rates.
“It becomes very frustrating when you give, and you give, and you give, and you get nothing in return,” said Jackson, holding back tears. “And after you’ve exhausted yourself from all that giving, you leave work and have two measly hours of sunlight before it gets dark or starts pouring down rain on you out of nowhere. It’s like the environment doesn’t even care. And what’s with the leaves everywhere? Every fall, with the goddamn leaves! What are we, your servants? We’re supposed to pick up after you? Jesus, if I find one more leaf or fallen branch clogging up my gutters, I swear to God, I’m going to snap.”
“Stupid environment,” Jackson added. “Sometimes I wish it would just go away
Just a little gratitude, don’t you think?