Casaubon's Book

Barbarian Horde Invasion Theory? Hogwash!

Posted by Sharon Astyk on October 4, 2010
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The always-brilliant “Peak Oil Hausfrau” Christine Patton has a wonderful piece addressing the calm and reasoned Roman response to the recent “Foreign Barbarian Invasions: Impacts, Mitigation and Risk Management” report.

Proponents of the so-called “barbarian invasion” theory today warned of the “potentially disastrous” effects of hundreds of thousands of Visigoths, Huns, and Vandals plundering the imperial capital, including death, despoilment and dismemberment of the populace, and destruction of the city’s ancient architecture and temples.

Senator Titus Claudius scoffed at the authors of the Foreign Barbarian Invasion: Impacts, Mitigation, and Risk Management report, saying, “Obviously, these people have warned of barbarian invasions before – and look – Rome is as rich and prosperous as ever.” The Senator went on to proclaim that because of the unlimited amounts of land left to conquer and the unparallelled might of the Imperial army, no barbarians could ever pierce the walls of Rome. Additionally, the Senator said that preparing for an imminent invasion would divert needed funds from temple building and wine production.

The Foreign Barbarian Invasion report is the most strongly-worded warning yet about the conquering hordes problem, and was issued by a respected think tank commissioned by the Roman Legions to study the Barbarian issue. Lead author Consul Maximus Romeus comments, “We don’t know the precise date at which the barbarian horde(s) will invade. We do know, however, that other cities in the empire have been sacked and burned, and that barbarian forces maintain a quick, mobile force on the edges of our imperial reach. An attack on Rome is inevitable. The effects of such an invasion are so severe that we should begin to prepare for when the barbarians decide to attack.”

I’m completely with those who agree that the report overreacts. So we experience a slight influx of Vandals – how bad could it really be?

Sharon

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Comments

  1. #1 Greenpa
    October 4, 2010

    “So we experience a slight influx of Vandals – how bad could it really be?”
    :-) well, exactly!

    By strange (cosmic) coincidence, I recently found myself reading “Quo Vadis” for the first time. The amount of detail in personal lives I found astonishing; but my understanding is that it is based on first person accounts from the time. He paints the mental processes of the elite, down through the slaves.

    If you are krill; like the rest of us; it struck me as a good primer in surviving the turmoil surrounding being overrun by barbarians, and ruled by complete incompetents. Many, it is worth keeping in mind- do not.

    Rule #1: keep your head down. The ancient Chinese proverb resonates: “The nail which sticks up will be pounded down.”

  2. #2 Ed Straker
    October 4, 2010

    “So we experience a slight influx of Vandals – how bad could it really be?”

    They could drink from our fountains.

  3. #3 yogi-one
    October 4, 2010

    Alas, like us, the Romans were already being looted by their own greedy elite…

  4. #4 cheryl sisk
    October 4, 2010

    the influx of vandals how bad!!! when they are at your door read http://www.survivalblog.com so you will be ready. god bless, cheryl s.w. wisconsin

  5. #5 Kermit
    October 4, 2010

    The slight increase in Vandal activity at the edge of the empire is natural; I can point you to court-approved astrologers that explain why they are simply the result of increased solar activity. These cycles have always occurred, and will calm down in a short while.

    I hear that the notorious senator Gorius is making quite a bit of wealth from this Vandal alarmism. He has a big house; therefore the Vandal “problem” is imaginary. Q.E.D.

  6. #6 Stephen B.
    October 4, 2010

    Lol, this is too esoteric. Clothesline discussions are much easier to process for me :-)

  7. #7 Dunc
    October 5, 2010

    Must… restrain… history… pedantry![/shatner]

  8. #8 Chris Crawford
    October 5, 2010

    Thought #1:
    Anthropogenic Climate Change: What, me worry?

    Thought #2:
    Actually, the barbarians are already here; they’re the Tea Party.