However, legal experts say that Hell’s colonization of land owned by various Satanic holding companies is all perfectly legal. U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, an avid property-rights advocate, observed, “Some people say that Demons belong in Hell. I tend to agree, but Satan has purchased this real estate through legitimate and proper channels. What would happen if we tried to just nullify all the contracts that we didn’t like? Chaos, that’s what!”
Several sources in Hades appeared skeptical about the colonization. Lesser daemon Beelzebub Cramer said, “Upper management is trying to portray the surface as some sort of ‘Land of Opportunity’ where ambitious young devils can set up Eternal Punishment shops to alleviate the population pressures we’ve been having in Hell. But why can’t our Soul Recruitment Department just lay off a bit? If they would scale back their notoriously aggressive quarterly soul targets, it would solve the problem pretty quick.”
Some advocacy groups point to Hell’s nefarious plan as simply one more reason to slow, and reverse, the effects of climate change as soon as possible. Groups like 350.org have proposed many practical solutions – renewable energy, transitioning to a steady-state economy, increasing public transportation, systematically redesigning walkable cities, and radically increasing the energy efficiency of buildings.
Others call these proposals “unrealistic and expensive.” Economist Julian Stein commented, “Sure, the prospect of having one’s faced gnawed off by a demon might be frightening to some people, but that’s far off in the future, like next year. We need to deal with the here and now, and that means stimulating economic growth at any cost. We really don’t have any choice – no matter what the grisly consequences might be.”
See, there’s a bright side! And once they are resident, they can run for public office, too!