Casaubon's Book

From The Onion:

According to anthropologists, untold millions of slaves and serfs toiled their whole lives to complete the gap. Records indicate the work likely began around 10,000 years ago, when the world’s first landed elites convinced their subjects that construction of such a monument was the will of a divine authority, a belief still widely held today.

Though historians have repeatedly disproved such claims, theories still persist among many that the Gap Between Rich and Poor was built by the Jews.

“When I stare out across its astounding breadth, I’m often moved to tears,” said Johannesburg resident Grace Ngubane, 31, whose home is situated on one of the widest sections of the gap. “The scale is staggering–it makes you feel really, really small.”

“Insignificant, even,” she continued.

While numerous individuals have tried to cross the Gap Between Rich and Poor, evidence suggests that only a small fraction have ever succeeded and many have died in the attempt.

Its official recognition as the Eighth Wonder of the World marks the culmination of a dramatic turnaround from just 50 years ago, when popular movements called for the gap’s closure. However, due to a small group of dedicated politicians and industry leaders, vigorous preservation efforts were begun around 1980 to restore–and greatly expand–the age-old structure.

“It’s breathtaking,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, a longtime champion and benefactor of the rift’s conservation. “After all we’ve been through in recent years, there’s no greater privilege than watching it grow bigger and bigger each day. There may be a few naysayers who worry that if it gets any wider, the whole thing will collapse upon itself and take millions of people down with it, but I for one am willing to take that chance.”

Added Blankfein, “Besides, something tells me I’d probably make it out okay.”

You know, sometimes The Onion just isn’t that funny.

Comments

  1. #1 mousedude
    January 31, 2011

    Good satire stings and forces us to question the status quo. Bad satire causes us to laugh away a real problem.

    I think the onion must have hired some new, and very cynical writers in the past month or so. They’ve put out some scathing articles lately that are so bitingly accurate that they barely qualify as humor.

  2. #2 Eric Lund
    January 31, 2011

    You know, sometimes The Onion just isn’t that funny.

    That’s why I stopped reading the Onion a while back. They just couldn’t keep up with what was happening in the so-called real world. For instance, in February 2003 they ran a story whose headline perfectly captured the madness of the time: “North Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U. S. Military Attention”.

  3. #3 Brad K.
    February 1, 2011

    This excerpt from The Onion might not be joyful, but all humor is based on pain and ridicule, after all.

    And think of how sad it would be if the darker side couldn’t be expressed.