Casaubon's Book

Kurt Cobb has a very funny essay that argues that plants and animals have joined with the climate denialists to bring about the better for them “World Without Us”:

The reversal of strategy began when domestic cats and dogs watched the Life After People series on The History Channel along with their putative owners. The cats and dogs then described scenes from the show to their wild counterparts. From there word swept through the animal kingdom and was overheard by many plants as well.

Life After People seemed like a utopian fantasy until some enterprising house plants realized that they might be able to set in motion events which would end the dangers that humans pose. The plants would make humans unwitting accomplices in their own extinction. It was a dangerous plan and one that would require considerable sacrifice among those in both the plant and animal kingdoms. When word of the plan spread far and wide, both kingdoms embraced it as the only path to survival for at least some species. Many realized they were doomed already; but if they could halt or even just reduce the extent of the Sixth Great Extinction, their actions would not be in vain.

Plants in elite greenhouses were recruited by dogs brought there by their putative owners. These greenhouses are ones that serve corporate clients in major cities, but especially the coal, oil, and natural gas industries. Once these plants arrived at various corporate headquarters, they began to send messages to the corporate executives using frequencies barely inside the audible range and at such a low volume as to be subliminal. The messages were broad-ranging and included the following:

We plants love carbon dioxide.
Warmer weather is fun. (This was used primarily on those in colder climates.)
Climate change is natural.
People will adapt.

Perhaps the most pernicious (and therefore effective) message on the list above was the last. But, representatives of the plant and animal kingdoms were at loggerheads over it for days as they deliberated in the coordinating council which eventually approved the plan. The animals argued that there should be no message concerning adaptation since bringing up this issue would only worry humans. The plants argued that most humans were stupid enough to believe they could overcome anything through their technology. Using the adaptation message would encourage humans to ignore even the most alarming evidence of climate change. The plants carried the day when they proposed to the animals that the plan focus on fossil fuel executives, thought to be the most gullible humans on Earth and some of the most powerful.

All those perennial fruit trees we’re leaving behind look awfully delicious to my goats…

Sharon

Comments

  1. #1 Alan
    April 25, 2011

    I heard that lawn grasses, wheat, rice, and corn all stormed out of the meeting muttering something about spending thousands of years to domesticate humans.

  2. #2 Claire
    April 25, 2011

    I never did trust dogs or cats. If only they’d shut up, the plants would never have gotten their idea.

  3. #3 Matthew Garcia
    April 25, 2011

    Shades of M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening”? Love it!

  4. #4 Brad K.
    April 25, 2011

    It occurs to me that bears adapted to become whales. Apes adapted to become humans.

    Adapting isn’t the same thing as being able to continue life as you know it. Change, after all, is measured in pain.

    It might be simpler to adapt to using less cheap energy. Especially when the energy ceases to be cheap, or even available.

  5. #5 Ethan b
    April 26, 2011

    I found your post to be strange and somewhat amusing at the same time. The thought of a world with just animals and plants seems surreal. But how do they think they could live without our help and balance of the food chain? Suppose they didn’t think of that one.

  6. #6 Katie W.
    April 27, 2011

    This was a nice and funny article. I liked it because it comes from the animals and the plants point of view. All this Global Warming and pollution is not only affecting us humans, it is affecting the plants and animals too. This article shows us that they do not like it anymore than we do. We need to stop polluting because it is affecting everyone and everything on this beautiful Earth.

  7. #7 abbys
    April 27, 2011

    I would just like to say that your post is very comical but very serious.
    We as humans need to stop thinking technology can solve
    everything. I mean, the next ipod app will never be able to stop the world
    from pollution. Our world today is dying because of technology. Maybe if we
    listin to things without a voice we could see what we are doing to their home.