Almost all conversations with every other parent of late includes “Have you read Go the Fuck to Sleep yet? Have you heard Samuel Jackson read it?….” It is safe to say that the book touches a nerve. And it is extraordinarily funny, and it does evoke precisely the reactions that most of us have trouble acknowledging publically. We all have to ruefully acknowledge that we see some part of ourselves in this – the book is about those parenting failures that are hard to speak about but part of our lives.
It is, all in all, an awesome book, and precisely the sort of thing I wish (and I suspect every other writer wishes) they’d thought of first. (“Hey, I’ve been sleep deprived and bitchy too! I can write doggerel! Why didn’t I write it first?”)
Sadly, Adam Monsbach beat us all to it, and he deserves a great deal of credit. But in the spirit of jumping on bandwagons (a fine American tradition) I feel that there are other potential humorous children’s books on the same general theme that could be brought about. If rueful acknowledgement of parenting failures in humorous poetry is a new trend, I’ve got a big one to jump onto. And before someone else publishes derivative parent books like “Just shut the fuck up and eat it already” and “Take your goddamn hand out of your pants right now!” Me, I’d like to get there first with a stolen sequel called “Get the Fuck off Fossil Fuels.”
I know a few parents whose kids might want to read it to them – I give you permission to use profanity in front of Mom and Dad, just this one time for good effect.
“Get the Fuck Off Fossil Fuels!”
The lamp glows bright in the darkness, my sweet.
As the Sara Lee pie on the windowsill cools.
The coal plant in the distance reminds us
To get the fuck off fossil fuels!
Daddy is on his commute now, my darling,
On a packed interstate full of fools.
He’ll be home in two hours – if you’re still awake
Oh, we gotta get the fuck off fossil fuels!
A lone frog in the creek is croaking his song
A single calling bird pules.
The rest are all gone – it is too warm here for them.
We really should get the fuck off fossil fuels.
Grandma is singing low songs in her rocking chair
Far away by the Senior Home pool.
No, we can’t go to visit this year, I told you,
Because we can’t afford the damned fossil fuel.
Your asthma medication is there on the table
Even though the a/c is on cool.
I’m sorry you can’t breathe on hot nights, my baby,
It is all from this fucked up fossil fuel!
And yes, I have heard about Hubbert
That peak and his linear tools.
We’re just hoping the gas lasts a few more years because
We can’t get the fuck off fossil fuels!
The fracking is going all night now,
Offshore drilling sucks oil up from pools.
It is getting hard to pretend it isn’t destroying us
But please drill me some more fossil fuels!
Some of the old trees are still there yet.
Some fish are still left in their schools.
We haven’t killed everything yet dear,
That’s why we’re still on fossil fuels.
Great Grandpa went to war against slavery
Great-Grandma marched for self-rule.
But hey, I’m no hero, not like them,
To get us the fuck off fossil fuels
This room would be dimmer without power.
And the temperature not quite as cool.
You can’t ask your Mom to give up stuff
I need my damned fossil fuel!
Yes I know that you’ll want it for things too –
some medicine and metal tools.
But I need a flat screen right now dear,
And I’m eyeing a new pair of red mules.
We kept you safe in your carseat my love,
We followed the new Mom and Dad rules.
The SUV was for you, not for us, dear.
You should have mentioned you’d want fossil fuels!
For all that they cause global warming,
international conflict and duels,
are making us broke, send our babies to war,
We still love our sweet, sweet fossil fuels.
Your Daddy and I are much too old now
To be out there reducing our joules.
We’re past 40 you know – now it is your chance.
To get us the fuck off fossil fuels.
The good news is that it’ll be easy for you, love
When we’re dead or so old that we drool.
They’ll all be used up, so no trouble -
You’ll get the fuck off fossil fuels!
In a world that’s four degrees warmer
And poorer, a place of misrule,
I’m sure you won’t mind that we used up the gas,
You’ll be proud to be off fossil fuels.
When you are older we hope you’ll be understanding,
Of the failures of parents and schools,
And governments, leaders and loved ones,
Who used up your last fossil fuels.
Our parents passed the problem to us dear,
And so history must unspool
But I guess the buck stops with you now,
As we’re headed to peak fossil fuels.
It pains us to see you bear this burden
It would be most awesomely cool.
To pass this shit on to our *GRANDKIDS*
Let THEM get the fuck off fossil fuels!
Happy fourth of July all!