This is a little unexpected, I’m sure. I sat down last week, on my three-year blog-anniversary, to put together my banner and start the updating that I’ve been talking about for a month, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted the creative juices to flow, to get excited about blogging again, but instead I hit the same stagnant block that I’ve been running into for months. The ideas are here, collected on a sheet of graph paper that I keep by my desk, so it isn’t really the content that is lacking. Rather, I’m missing the will to do it. And so, I sit, staring at my ideas without the will to bring them to life, and that’s when the guilt sets in. Someone is expecting me to blog, and even though that someone is non-specific, I feel as if I am letting them down. So I start juggling, trying to rearrange my goals to fit everything in, so I won’t fail anyone. The trouble is, I’m a lousy juggler.
I’ve learned that I can only keep so many balls in the air at once. Sort of. I’ve stopped trying to throw in new projects–I just ignore those out-of-the-blueprints that pop into my head, or add them to my much-neglected list of ideas, rather than obsessing over my latest and greatest epiphany. That helped. I’ve come a long way, learning how to focus my interests. That was supposed to be a good thing… and it is. But maybe not for this blog.
That night, as I lay down to sleep, I was still overwhelmed by blogging guilt. The Chinook winds were blowing–erratic, chilling gusts that blew down from the Rockies and slammed into the plains. They haunted me all night with whistles and whines, shaking the house and rattling the windows. I closed my eyes and tried to shut it out, to let peaceful sleep come and silence both the winds and my guilt. But that only led me to think about classes starting in a week, about the work I’ve started, and the Christmas boxes sitting downstairs waiting to be packed away for another year. I wondered how I would have the time to deal with everything. Then it came to me. Let it go. It isn’t worth the sleepless nights, the pressure, the guilt.
Now, don’t get me wrong–this blog has been a wonderful experience for me. That’s why I’m taking the time to explain all of this. It has been worth it. Totally worth it. This blog gave me a voice, and showed me how to use it. It gave me a level of confidence that would allow me to succeed and to follow my goals. I’m doing that now, and it feels great.
I gave it a week to think this over, but in the end, I decided this would be for the best. So, now, like the title says, this is goodbye. (Now I’m going to have Moby stuck in my head all week, too.) I might be back someday, if or when I find the time and passion to return. I will continue to do the occasional game review at JayIsGames–that’s a different sort of blogging, more of a release than pressure. Mostly, I’m going to keep writing, hopefully for publishing in print somewhere. I’m working on a novel on local developments, as well as trying to publish a variety of other stories and articles that I’ve written over the years. Hopefully, you’ll soon see my name in a byline somewhere!
I still plan to update ChaoticUtopia.com, perhaps more than ever, now. It won’t really be a blog, per say, but it will be a way to keep track of my various projects. In the next week or two, I’ll post a final piece here, along with links to places you can find me in the future.
In the meantime, thanks to everyone–to my readers, to my friends and family, to everyone here at ScienceBlogs, and the blogosphere at large: thanks for all of your support over the past few years!