In defense of a woman's right NOT to choose breastfeeding

Pumping and bottle feeding of mother's breast milk allows the father (and anyone else) to participate as much as they'd like. The benefits may be slightly reduced due to refrigeration but it offsets some of the difficulties while maintaining a mother's ability to breastfeed when able.

I was never able to pump worth a damn. The mechanics of a breast pump are different enough from the way a baby's mouth works that many of us who can produce enough milk to feed a baby directly can't pump enough to allow the father to feed breast milk.

I was a breastfeeding militant when my child was born, and I drove myself to distraction providing all of his food for the first months of his life. In retrospect, am I sorry I did it? Yes and no. I'm not sorry I gave him all of the health benefits of breastfeeding, but I am sorry that I spent those early months almost entirely preoccupied with getting enough food in the baby's mouth and getting enough sleep to function and not cry all the time. If I have a second, I may do it differently. I would never give up breastfeeding altogether, but I probably won't be so intent on providing every single ounce of food. I might choose to get some sleep and actually enjoy the baby instead.

Bottle feeding with pumped breast milk provides most of the nutritional benefits of fresh breast milk. It allows a stay-at-home father the opportunity to feed and bond with the child when the mother is not available to nurse. The father is also able to exchange shifts at night to feed and sooth a hungry/sleepless child. One of the problems of this method is that businesses are not often family freindly and it is made difficult to find a place or time to express breast milk and store it for later use.

If men were capable of breast-feeding businesses would have, long ago, made accomodations for expressing and storing milk on the job.

There are obviously cases where a woman physically cannot provide the milk, but barring those incidences I think the default position, as you say, should be in favor of breastfeeding. Parenting IS about sacrifices and accomodating feeding a child with breast milk is a sacrifice everyone should be making.

I say all this as a father-to-be who will be staying at home while my wife returns to the workforce. It, no doubt, will not be easy, but no one told us it would be. Convenience is not the word that comes up often in regards to infants and toddlers.

Sure, pumping can help alleviate some of the problems I mention, but I'd dispute that it allows fathers to participate "as much as they'd like."

How many families will use pumped milk when the mother's right there? And pumping can be expensive and inconvenient. Some pumps are relatively cheap, but good (usable) ones cost a bundle. Many workplaces don't offer refrigerated storage or private locations for pumping.

Also, anecdotally, I've found that many babies won't go back and forth between breast and bottle, so families are forced to choose one or the other.

I'm not saying that breastfeeding can't work for many, even most families, but I am saying that families who choose to bottle feed aren't necessarily neglectful. In some cases, on balance, they may be making the best decision for their children.

I think the concern is that there has, historically, been a push to not even try breastfeeding, but rather move the baby to formula immediately so they get used to it. Convenience is the first concern.

Having expressed breast milk will allow a father to participate "as much as they'd like" the same amount as using formula. From the father's perspective I'm not sure where the difference in the two might be.

Pumping can be expensive and sometimes inconvenient. Fresh breast milk is cheap and sometimes inconvenient. Formula can be expensive and sometimes inconvienient. Having a baby can be expensive and sometimes inconvenient.

Good quality breast pumps are expensive, but the tubing and personal attachments that are needed are not. These pumps should be more readily affordable to rent. Cost should not be the barrier to effectively nurishing our children. I know many women who have shared their pumps with great success.

The problems at the workplace are a major impediment for working women. So is the public's difficulty with viewing a bared breast while nursing. As a society we have a problem distinguishing between nudity and sex.

I have not had to deal with a baby that won't switch between breast and bottled breast milk and haven't done enough research to have an informed opinion.

I agree with you, though, that, in some cases, they may be making the best decision for themselves.

"They may be making the best decision for themselves."

I'm not sure if you mean that to be a jab at "selfish" parents, but I do believe that in many cases, the best interests of the parents is also the best interests of the children. If parents aren't happy, their children, very likely, will also not be happy. Elizabeth has some good points in this regard.

My wife chose to breastfeed and both of us could not be happier. Both of our children slept in our bed. My wife believes that she slept better at night. When baby was hungry --- she just rolled over and popped her on. She did not have to get up, warm a bottle, go the kitchen, etc.

As a dad, I never felt like I did not have time to bond with my children. Moreover, it was a joy to see my wife bonding by breastfeeding. My wife discontinued breastfeeding our children at about 2 years old.

I agree with Dianod that there has been a historical push toward formula feeding. Formula feeding has, in the past, been viewed as more scientific or modern. In other words, you could measure the amount your baby was eating and control when and how much your baby was eating.

In the end, my wife and I are very pro-breastfeeding and strongly recommend it to everyone who is able to choose this option. We are not, however, militant. We recognize and respect families who do not choose to breastfeed. In fact, we often cringe when we see parents do things we do not agree with. But, we respect families choices.

I am disappointed that a few militants have discredited pro-breastfeeding folks, in general. Nowadays, instead of defending families who choose to breastfeed, we must defend those who choose not to breastfeed.

Thank you for writing this. The whole breastfeeding-or-not debate is often supported by poor science, which mistakes correlations for causations. The NY Times article greatly angered my wife and I. Equating bottle-feeding with being thrown from a mechanical bull is insensitive, inaccurate, and frankly, irresponsible. A group that would publish such a view tarishes their reputation, and the reliability of any of their findings. Which is unfortunate. The discussion of how to feed your child should be not based on fear, but information and sympathy.

Some babies can't even be breastfed. I, for example, had to be put on a soy-based formula because I was born lactose intolerant and it took about 6 weeks to finally realize the problem was milk. When I have children, assuming this is a genetically transferrable defect, at least I'll know that they have to get soy-based formula from the start.

Just because people have a right to do something doesn't mean it's a good idea, or that they shouldn't be discouraged from doing it.

Technically speaking, we have the right to ignore our children just short of meeting the criteria for criminal neglect. Should that right ever be defended?

Matthew: I'm making the argument that sometimes bottle-feeding can be best for the children, not just for the parents. Self-sacrifice on the part of the parents can be damaging to children, just as selfishness can. The question is, where do we draw the line? I'm just not not ready to say that bottle feeding is as bad for children as pregnant bronco-riding.

What benefit of bottle feeding can possibly outweigh improved brain development?

There may be uncommon cases where infants simply cannot be breastfed for medical reasons on the part of the child or the mother. In practically every other case, I doubt very much that there are true conflicts between breastfeeding and any benefit that can be derived by bottle feeding.

You ask where we should draw the line. That depends on our valuation of our children's health and general wellbeing, does it not? On how we weigh different outcomes? Well, let's determine where your weights are set, then we can address the question of whether they're set correctly.

Do women have the right to choose not to abstain from alcoholic beverages during pregnancy? Should the choice of a woman who drinks during pregnancy be defended? Yes or no?

Drawing a line in the sand and pitting breast and bottle families against each other is just not productive.

Positive reinforcement works better than shame and punishment. Instead of an ad campaign that portrays bottle moms as lousy parents, how about some actual support for breastfeeding? How about making sure that all new moms have access to lactation consultants 24/7? How about a "Meals on Wheels" program for new moms? How about employers encouraging breastfeeding with pumping facilities and lactation breaks? How about research into relactation techniques?

Igniting a new "mommy war" is a handy way to divert attention from a whole host of family un-friendly policies, from public health funding to public school funding to Pell Grants to gas prices.

I agree. I've been lucky to be able to nurse all three of my children, and I've had good to fair luck with pumping, too. I know that it isn't always easy, and I wouldn't fault a woman for choosing formula instead. After all, most people of childbearing age were raised on formula, and we're all still here, right? Breastmilk is best, but formula isn't toxic waste.

Insulting women who choose to use formula by saying that they're bad parents is not going to incline them to change their minds. The old adage that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar is a cliché for a reason. I think the "Boob Nazis" and "lactivists" probably frighten away at least as many potential breastfeeders as they convert formula feeders.

As with so many issues of this sort, what's really needed is public education. Breastfeeding isn't dirty or perverted. It's natural. It doesn't tie a mother down to the baby for the first two years. Formula fed babies need just as much constant attention when they're very young as breastfed babies do. As they get older, depending on the baby's personality, they need Mommy less and less.

One thing that I don't think I'd considered before . . . what do bucking bronco commercials do to formula-feeding women who are suffering from post partum depression? PPD is hard enough to deal with without some stranger passing judgment on you.

"After all, most people of childbearing age were raised on formula, and we're all still here, right?"

Most people of my parents' generation were raised in environments contaminated with lead, and many of them had blood lead levels that we know are linked to cognitive deficiencies and brain development problems. Yet they lived. My father lived in a town where mercury was routinely dumped into the groundwater, and he used to play with blobs that welled up in a nearby field. Yet he lived.

Clearly, then, we're too concerned about neurotoxins.

In The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (or it might be the sequel), the main character describes running behind trucks spraying DDT for mosquito control, playing in the mist.

I'm not saying that these things are okay, but I do think people tend to go a little overboard about things.

Not every woman who chooses formula, even if she is able to breastfeed, is neglectful. Have you ever looked at an on-line pregnancy or baby community and seen the things that women say to each other about formula and breastfeeding? Saying that it's child abuse to give babies formula? I'm not exaggerating! Formula gets called toxic waste more often than not. I nursed all of my children, and I have left communities because of the vindictiveness thrown at formula-feeding women. Of course, some of them give as good as they get, but that doesn't make it any better.

Very few people seem interested in actually educating people to make good choices. So many people are so certain that their way is right that they'd much rather force their opinions on others, which does nothing but push people away.

Yes, I believe that a woman has a right to drink coffee, or drink alcoholic beverages, or smoke, or do illegal drugs while she's pregnant. I think doing those things is stupid, and is more likely than not going to harm the baby along with the mother, but are we going to legislate how women should eat while they're pregnant, too? Living off of fast food for nine months isn't healthy for the baby, either. Should we treat all women of child-bearing age as being "pre-pregnant" and legislate that they must all take pre-natal vitamins? Where are you going to stop? Can women of child-bearing age work in dangerous environments? You never know, they might be pregnant and not know it. What if a policewoman is pregnant, whether she knows it yet or not, and gets shot in the line of duty? Where would you draw the line?

If you really believe that a woman must breastfeed when she is physically capable, and that she must not drink when pregnant, how much further are you going to go in controlling her?

'More likely than not'?!

At certain stages of pregnancy, it's a certainty, not a possibility. Just how much freedom do you insist people are entitled to? Where do you draw that line between the mother's desires and the baby's needs?

To breastfeed or not to breastfeed is the question. Not "to breastfeed or bottlefeed". My wife is currently exclusively breastfeeding our two-month old son, however we are planning on weening him gradually with supplements of formula when the time is right. Ambiguous yes, but families should have the opportunity to figure out what is best for themselves given their unique situation.

However, I believe that all mothers should be encouraged to give breastfeeding a chance. I think it is a disservice to the child and the mother to decide to forego breastfeeding because of the inconveniences, frustrations, or irritations that might occur before even trying it. The benefits have been outlined already, but I see the emotional connection between mother and child that develops through a continued dependency for sustenance via this organic and ancient lifeline as a profound bonding experience. Supplementation of formula or even exclusive formula feeding after a several botched breastfeeding attempts is understandable, because mothers have to adapt to the situation at hand. I do believe that our society should encourage breastfeeding in general, so that it becomes the norm (is it or not?).

For that matter, what is with ostracizing of breastfeeding in public in the US. I was shocked to find so many people here find it crude, rude, and even sexy (mostly women think that it might be perceived as sexual). When my wife breastfeeds in public, she doesn't make a scene of it and is completely covered, but she still gets dirty looks and under-the-breath comments from passers-by (again mostly other women!). This society needs to bring breastfeeding back into the mainstream with some solid PR and education. However, attacking formula is not necessary or productive.

Attacking formula as a wholesale substitute for breastmilk is perfectly reasonable. Taken by itself, it's an inferior substitute that leads to immunological and neurological impairment. Too much of this discussion has been framed the wrong way: the key concept is not that breastmilk is better, but that formula is worse. Breastmilk is the default standard.

Combining the two, slowly moving towards formula only, strikes me as a responsible and reasonable strategy. Do you know if there are any studies of the effects of that method?

"Where do you draw that line between the mother's desires and the baby's needs?"

Personally? I quit smoking the day I found out I was pregnant with my first. It wasn't easy, and I did backslide once, but I did it. I didn't drink coffee or other caffienated beverages while pregnant with any of my children, except on rare occasions. My lactation consultant said one cup of coffee per day was okay while nursing, so I've been having a cup in the morning on my way to work. I don't drink alcohol much, anyway, but I don't drink while pregnant or nursing. I really haven't done illegal drugs since I was a teenager.

As for other women, I believe I was pretty straightforward about that already.

I have known several other women who did not make the same choices I did. They drank and smoked while pregnant. Their children were born at average or above birth weight, and none of them had fetal alcohol syndrome. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, or that it doesn't happen a lot. But it doesn't happen every time. That would be like saying that if you have unprotected sex with someone other than your legal spouse, you're going to get HIV.

Like you said, Matthew, "Just because people have a right to do something doesn't mean it's a good idea, or that they shouldn't be discouraged from doing it." But legislation is ineffective. Insulting and offending people (e.g. by likening their choice to riding a bucking bronco while pregnant) makes more enemies than friends.

Education is a better choice. Teach people the benefits of breastfeeding. Encourage them to leave off their bad habits for the sake of their children. Show people that the choices they make now can have a great positive impact on themselves and their children, but do it without denigrating the choices they've already made.