Here’s a couple of the short ones:
5. Does anyone lurk? If someone’s lurking, you might be reading a Bad Book.
11. Does the book begin with some sort of random sex scene meant to show you how desirable / virile one of the protags is because if you don’t know about his / her addictive sexuality you won’t understand why they’re supposed to be attractive given their lack of any other character traits of note? If so, you might be reading a Bad Book. Actually, you almost certainly are. Hopefully you didn’t pay money for it. If you did, I’m sorry. … Did you keep the receipt?