It’s been a really bizarre and surreal week (and month and three years) to be a resident of Toronto. Each day brings a series of more outrageous revelations about our beloved and not-so-beloved mayor, Rob Ford.

But if there’s anything that warms a Canadian’s heart more than attention in the American press, well, I don’t know what that is. And The Onion?! The Onion loves us, it really loves us!

Oh, the mixed feelings, how they wound.

Nation Not About To Start Giving A Shit About Canadian Politics

WASHINGTON—Despite Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s recent controversial admission to having smoked crack cocaine, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that, Rob Ford or no Rob Ford, there’s just no way they’re about to start giving a shit about Canadian politics—no way in hell. “Yeah, sorry, not happening,” said 37-year-old Harrisburg, PA resident Daniel Cooke, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who told reporters they will continue happily ignoring any and all stories about the Canadian government, the politics of Canada, or scandals involving Canadian politicians. “Frankly, that guy could have been having sex with an underage boy in the middle of a parliament meeting or whatever the hell they have over there and I still wouldn’t give a shit. I don’t know or care to know who he is, where he’s from, or what he did. What I do know is that if you think I’m going to start paying attention to what’s going on with politics in Toronto or Nova Scotia or Ontario City or wherever the fuck then you’re going to be very disappointed.” The U.S. populace went on to confirm that, unless Martin Short were to somehow be elected prime minister, their interest level in Canadian politics would remain at this level indefinitely.

And the irony of the piece actually being about how Yanks don’t give a crap about Canada — yeah, we Canadians just love shit like this.

(Don’t worry, I didn’t vote for that guy.)

Comments

  1. #1 G
    California USA
    November 9, 2013

    I had a late friend from BC and we talked politics often. My impression was that Canadian politics were in general far more rational and intelligent than much of what goes on down here south of the border.

    But I’ve been following, largely through your column, the decline & fall of Canadian politics largely under the influence of addictive bituminous compounds. Shutting down science agencies is a detestable exercise in obscurantism anywhere it occurs; we’ve been through it in a previous administration so I can empathize.

    Now we see another addictive compound in play, or rather two: Rob Ford’s excuse for smoking crack was that he was drunk. In essence he’s denying being a crackhead by saying he’s an alcoholic. The answer to that is, he belongs o-u-t of politics and into inpatient treatment ASAP.

    And that’s a perfect symbol for the tar sands / oil shale addiction.

    So if I might offer a suggestion:

    Use Rob Ford as a symbol for comparison with the oil/tar/sands/shale extraction, based on the idea of “addictive and dangerous substances.” Come up with some viral meme versions of this and spread them far & wide.

  2. #2 Eric Lund
    November 13, 2013

    I’ve seen some note the irony that Ford is from the formerly independent municipality of Etobicoke. Toronto was amalgamated with several of its suburbs some years ago, and the result is that people like Ford can be elected mayor of Toronto–he basically represents those suburbanites, not the city folk. I’ve seen this movie before: some US cities have effectively been merged with their surrounding counties during my lifetime, not always for honorable reasons.

    There are also rumors that Ford and his brother (who is also on the city council) are actually quite familiar with illegal pharmaceuticals.

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