Posted by Note to readers: This report of a supposed viral pandemic is entirely fictional but not inconceivable, and is for entertainment purposes only (depending upon your sensibilities.)
A new viral pandemic may be on its way. To date, physical symptoms have been benign. While the method of transmission, origin and therapies are as yet unknown, symptoms are consistent with a new viral strain including mild persistent fever and in some cases delusions and inexplicable behavior directed – oddly enough – towards media outlets. Susceptibility appears to be universal; no resistant individuals have been identified. Some may view these symptoms to reflect perfectly natural participation in “vigorous” debates or clashing opinions. If this is your view, you need not read further. Mounting evidence suggests otherwise.
The first reports of symptoms described irrational railing against media or representatives thereof, including The Huffington Post after which the virus (not yet isolated) was named. Individuals otherwise rational and often creative have been observed reacting to media with statements such as:
Wretched hive of scum and quackery…
The fact that this was on the Huffington Post is all you need to know in order to conclude it’s garbage.
HuffPost is but one example of such (putative) viral-induced rants against media. Here, The New York Times is the focus:
This guy from The New York Times, if he really thinks that humanity is destroying the planet, humanity is destroying the climate, that human beings in their natural existence are going to cause the extinction of life on Earth — Mr *****, why don’t you just go kill yourself and help the planet by dying?
Epidemiological studies indicate that these rants are comparable against “left-” and “right-” wing media outlets. Here the “right-wing” is the focus:
I’m inviting the drug-ridden scumbag, Rush Limbaugh, on The Ed Show to debate me on any topic! He won’t do it because he’s a drug addict and he’s a coward, a complete coward. Plus he probably couldn’t hear me if he was on The Ed Show.
…C’mon you fat pig. Let’s get it on. I’m getting ratings without you. Hell, I’m doing you a favor. C’mon, Rush! Let’s get it on! Get out of your compound down there. Get away from your drugs. Go see the doctor and get some hearing. Maybe you could pick up a 19th girlfriend. Maybe you could try marriage again. By the way, Rush, you got any kids? Oh, you’re out of the mainstream!
Fortunately, these outbursts are typically short-lived and patients seem to recover within 24-48 hours. A particularly extreme case was observed recently, in which the affected individual began speaking a non-existent language, seemingly speaking in tongues. That such behavior is not specifically directed towards the media could indicate that this individual was affected with a mutated version of this newly proposed virus. How else could one explain such behavior? I invite other interpretations.
To date, recommended treatments for this putative virus include taking a short walk outdoors, relaxed breathing for several minutes in a quiet area, and listening to Bach. With some vigilance, further spread of this befuddling behavior can be minimized.
Note to readers: This report of a supposed viral pandemic is entirely fictional but not inconceivable, and is for entertainment purposes only (depending upon your sensibilities.)
January 23, 2011
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