They write poems about me

There seems to have been an outbreak of poetry about me from Right Wing Death Poets (RWDPs). Tim Blair:

He was a hero to the blogosphere
Across this wide brown land
Tim Lambert of
With his clue stick in his hand

The mighty throbbing clue stick!
Tim gripped it like a lance
And stroked and loved and cared for it
He housed it in his pants

Then the clue stick ceased to function
Its mojo all was spent
Tim whipped it out and waved it ’round
But what had been had … went

Tim needed inspiration
It came one day in class
“Hey, fatso!” yelled a student
“Shove your clue stick up your arse!”

Lambert took him literally
(Which is the Lambert way)
And that’s why Tim is smiling
At top left of screen today

It’s got a good beat and you can dance to it. I give it a 7!

Jason Soon:

Shiny the pint sized ‘scientist’
Had a very shiny forehead
And if you ever saw it
In the water you’d know it’d sink like lead

All of the other scientists
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Shiny
Join in their peer reviewed games

Then one foggy X’mas eve
Santa came to say
Shiny with your forehead so bright
Won’t you write for Prospect tonight?

Incorrect punctuation and doesn’t scan. 4.


  1. #1 Bernard J.
    July 16, 2008

    I’m a great one for iambic pentameter, and I enjoy incisive parody and satire as much as the next smart alec, but this is rather purile stuff, isn’t it?

    Personally, I’d be embarrassed to put my name to such school-boy doggerel.

  2. #2 bi -- IJI
    July 16, 2008

    We needs a poll, we definitely does:

    > Blogger, blogger in the mall,
    Who’s the Poet That Rules All?

    > ( ) Frank Bi
    ( ) Tim Blair
    ( ) Marion Delgado
    ( ) Horatio Algeranon
    ( ) William Shakespeare
    ( ) Jason Soon
    ( ) More than one of the above
    ( ) You all suck

  3. #3 Zarquon
    July 16, 2008

    So RWDBs are really Vogons? (“They are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy – not actually evil, but bad tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous.”)

  4. #4 Barton Paul Levenson
    July 16, 2008

    Lots of amateur poetry here. The second one especially — the widespread idea that as long as it rhymes, it doesn’t matter that there’s consistent meter.

  5. #5 Barton Paul Levenson
    July 16, 2008

    That there’s NO consistent meter, I meant to say. My bad.

  6. #6 Eli Rabett`
    July 16, 2008

    Now that I had my coffee, wipe those last two out please

    Let’s sing that again

    There was a blogger from Sout Wales

    Who destroyed pro-ddt tales

    Made McKitrick and Blair

    Monckton, Michaels dispair

    And inspired bad poetry

  7. #7 anthony
    July 16, 2008

    Sad, and not in an his soul shall taste the sadness of her might way.

    moon spoon baboon

  8. #8 pough
    July 16, 2008

    Blair’s ain’t bad. Derivative of the Police’s Be My Girl Sally, but I’m inclined to give it extra points for that.

  9. #9 mister z
    July 16, 2008

    Coming soon as a major motion picture…. The Right Wing Death Poets Society!

    “Herr Kapitan, Mein Kapitan!” Set in 1974 in the Whitlamesque humanities faculty of a major Australian university, it tells the story of an eccentric German teacher who through poetry inspires his students towards a life of kerning, scholarly analysis of Michael Moore’s waistline, and imperviously conforming to his delusional conservative ideas…

  10. #10 Majorajam
    July 16, 2008

    Yeah, Blair’s is pretty good except- ‘clue stick’? With hope that was a function of haste. The second one is disgraceful. Author should be taken out to the woodshed and put down.

    Hey, if you weren’t successful, they wouldn’t even know your name.

  11. #11 Barton Paul Levenson
    July 16, 2008

    Computer scientist Tim Lambert blogged
    Some articles on climate that defogged
    And pointed out mistakes
    By writers who were fakes
    And had their errors neatly pinned and logged.

    Deniers on their own blogs felt despair
    And cried that Lambert’s tactics were unfair
    To one whose head’s a pin
    The only thing’s to win
    By posting crackpot science everywhere.

    But pointing out its crackpothood is mean
    And calling liars liars is obscene.
    So Tim must be a rat
    And like Al Gore, he’s fat!
    ‘Cause only the denialists are lean!

    So they called Tim Gestapo, Nazi, worse,
    And tried to do ad hominem in verse.
    But all they knew of meter
    Was that rhyme was much sweeter
    And lousy verse facilitated curse.

    Be gone, have done! The problem now at hand
    Is AGW throughout the land.
    And personalities
    Whether or not they please
    Are not germane to science’s demand.

    Blog on, Tim, and whatever others may,
    To (late in time) attempt to save the day.
    We all must speak the truth
    Poetic or uncouth
    And hope the world hears what we have to say.

  12. #12 stewart
    July 16, 2008

    Someone needs to put a call out to Cuttlefish, generally seen at Pharyngula.

  13. #13 Steve
    July 17, 2008

    Its a shame TimB’s wit and humour and talent never manage to get beyond quips and sarcasm. He should do more serious journalism/opinion writing instead of his usual lazy op-ed. He could be everything that Gerard Henderson is not (ie informative, insightful, lively, entertaining). Even “op-ed” is a bit beyond what TimB currently does – link to someone else’s news and add a quip. Its not really much of an opinion is it?

    Reading TimB’s blog/articles is like watching Seinfeld re-runs for the 20th time. I don’t know how he doesn’t get bored, I hate to see a good mind just cruising like that.

  14. #14 Magpie
    July 17, 2008

    Oh to have opponents whose “attacks” are essentially a rephrasing of “kick me I’m stupid”.

  15. #15 z
    July 17, 2008

    “There once was a man from JunkScience…”

  16. #16 Bill O'Slatter
    July 18, 2008

    Magpie , you think timb has got a good mind : I think he’s a stupid idiot and determinedly so. Oh well that poetry to Timl proves his gender preference , not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  17. #17 dsquared
    July 18, 2008

    does anyone remember Hillaire Belloc’s Cautionary Tale of Timmy Blair, who heard the facts but didn’t care?

  18. #18 bi -- IJI
    July 18, 2008


    There once was a man from Junkscience
    Who wanted to join the Einsteins
    He took out some cash
    L-W to crash
    But papercuts hurt him — those tines!

    Ugh, that sucked.

  19. #19 Magpie
    July 18, 2008

    Sorry Bill, I wasn’t clear. I was talking about TimL’s enemies, who represent an inexhaustible source of idiocy to be mocked.

  20. #20 hamishm
    July 19, 2008

    Look out Tim you’ve upset some 14 year old schoolboys at the back of the bikesheds.
    Next week: humorous limericks

  21. #21 Tim Lambert
    July 22, 2008

    Wannabe Vogon Jason Soon [has another go](

    >Shiny the short science worker
    Had a very bulbous head
    And if you ever saw it
    You’d say it was painted in pomade

    >All of the IT guys
    When blinded knew who to blame
    They wouldn’t let poor Shiny
    Join in any cricket games

    >Then one scorching X’mas eve
    The Ruddster came to say
    Shiny with your forehead so bright
    Help me reduce our dependence on fossil fuels tonight

    >Then all the people loved him
    As they shouted out with glee
    “Shiny you gave your life to become a solar panel
    You’ll go down in history!’

    (Plus check out the breathtaking dishonesty about the Ofcom decision by Soon and co in that thread.)

  22. #22 Barton Paul Levenson
    July 23, 2008

    Jason still doesn’t get the meter thing, I see.

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