Dispatches from the Creation Wars

Gay Marriage Satire

I’ve never heard of Adam Felbers before today, but after reading the piece I’m going to reproduce below, I’m ready to nominate him for the comedy hall of fame. He gives permission here to reproduce this transcript in e-mails of a commentary he did on This American Life on the radio recently, so I assume it’s also okay to reproduce it in full on this page. If not, I’ll take it back down again. But this has to be seen by people. It sums up so perfectly the reasons why the arguments against gay marriage are so absurd. And I’m awarding Adam Felbers a perfect 10.0 and the gold medal for satire this week for this piece:

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This gay marriage thing is tearing my wife and me apart. Now, because of activist judges in Massachusetts and overzealous officials in San Francisco, our union is hanging on by the thinnest of threads.

Back in the simpler days of 2002, when we were planning our wedding, Jeanne and I used to coo fondly at each other about the joys that lay ahead. It wasn’t that we were unsupportive of our gay friends, no. We were just looking forward to the government’s validation of our relationship’s specialness – a license that affirmed that the two of us had made a unique and personal eternal vow to each other. Something uniquer and specialer than any of our homosexual acquaintances could ever even hope for.

We’re all for the separation of church and state, naturally, but if the government doesn’t define marriage as the sacred union between a man and a woman, who will? Are Jeanne and I expected to treasure our union solely on the basis of our deep love, personal beliefs, public vows, and the government’s blessing? Sorry, Judge Pinkypants, but that’s just not good enough. Not for us. We need to know that we’ve got something that’s only available to 90% of the population, the select and upstanding few.

Sure, some of us are criminals. Murderers, even. Some of us have committed rape, beaten children, tattooed swastikas on our bodies, abused animals, broken into houses, bilked the government out of millions of tax dollars, lied under oath, cheated on previous spouses, dishonored our fathers and mothers, failed to keep the Sabbath holy, mowed down pedestrians in our SUV’s while intoxicated, coveted our neighbors’ stuff, gotten ourselves put on death row, sold military secrets to the Chinese, urinated in public places, beaten up people who looked or sounded different than us, and sold drugs in schoolyards.

But we’re straight, and that means we can get married. And that’s special. Or, at least it was. Jeanne and I could look around at other married couples – at least the ones that aren’t currently dealing with serial infidelity, divorce, spousal abuse, or bigamy – and think to ourselves, “Yes, that’s what we’re striving for. That kind of sanctity.”

Are some gay people serious about their commitment to each other? Sure, of course, that’s not the point. Let me give you an example. Jeanne and I know this couple, these two men. They’ve been together for years and years, longer than we have. They live on a farm in Pennsylvania and treasure their time together. They’re loved by their community, have saved lives as members of the local fire department and have opened their home to youth groups from the city. They’ve built a life together based on love and trust. BUT – and here’s my point – they’re gay. They’re both men. And if they’re allowed to marry someday, where does that leave us, my wife and me? See what I’m saying? It’d cheapen everything we have.

And that’s not a knock on gay people. No no no. America loves its gays. Look at the TV, with all those funny gay people on “Will and Grace,” and “Queer as Folk,” and “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” They’re funny! Funny, colorful people – they’re nature’s clowns, really. Like penguins.

And we don’t allow penguins to marry, do we? No, these are dark times in my household. My wife and I look at each other with haunted, suspicious eyes, feeling like we’ve bought a whole bunch of shares in a stock that is about to be devalued. Suddenly, the eternal, personal vows that we swore to each other will mean very little. We’ll basically become roommates who happen to wear matching rings, while meanwhile out our window we’ll see gays and penguins feeding each other wedding cake willy-nilly on our very own street corner.

That’s why we need a Constitutional amendment that will protect marriage for straight people. Until we have the right to enter that sacred union, violate it, exit it, and enter it again with somebody else, again and again, regardless of what crimes we commit, until we’re too old and feeble to mouth the words, “I do,” – unless we have that right and gay people don’t, then there is truly nothing sacred in the United States of America.

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Comments

  1. #1 DonM
    May 12, 2004

    In a word… Fantastic!!!

    Don

  2. #2 Barron
    May 12, 2004

    As a long time Adam Felber (no s, the s in the site name is because he shares it with relatives) I have to agree on his goofy genius. You can hear him pretty regularly on NPR’s Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me, the news quiz, also very entertaining.

  3. #3 Lynnie
    May 12, 2004

    This is absolutely terrific Ed. I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful it was to read Adam Felber’s article. I am still laughing. LOL
    Thank you for posting it here. I second your nomination.

  4. #4 red
    May 14, 2004

    I saw Adam Felber years ago in an improv troupe in Boston – a friend of mine was in it, so I saw him a couple of different times – and he was apocalyptically funny each time. It got to the point where he would just enter the stage, and people would start to laugh.

    I always wondered what ever happened to him. This is GREAT to see he’s still at it!