Dispatches from the Creation Wars

Favorite Movie Lines

Since half the blogs on the net seem to be making lists of their favorite movie quotes, I thought I’d add some of mine. Some movies are just goldmines of great lines – Caddyshack, almost any Kevin Smith movie, Bull Durham. Herewith some of my absolute favorites, without the title of the movie so you can guess where they come from.

“Wouldn’t it be great if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If needy were a turn on?”

“You know, I’ve been doing some of the most important thinking of my life today. I wonder of this is the right time to tell you about it . . . I figured out why I’m so hung up on getting a chance at weekend anchor. It’s because if I do it well then they’ll pay me more, and my life will be great and they’ll treat me better – that’s why . . . which means I’m at their mercy – and who wants that? And in the middle of all this, I started to think about the one thing that makes me feel really good and makes immediate sense… and it’s you. Now I’m just gonna stop right there….except I would give anything if you could be two people, so I could call up the one who’s my friend and tell her about the one I like SO MUCH!”

“I made one promise to myself when I took this job because I knew I’d take some crap from you people being I came over from sports.”
“What was that?”
“Never to pretend to know more than I do”
“Do you know all the members of the cabinet?”
“Okay, I’m not gonna take some kind of test for you”
“I just wanna know”
“If that just came up in conversation, then maybe…”
“What? We’re conversing. Oh no, I seem to have forgotten the names of the cabinet. Say, do you know them?”
“Okay, that’s enough”
“You don’t have to name them, just tell me if you know them”
“Yes, Aaron. I know the names of the cabinet”
“Okay….all twelve?”
“Yes”
“There’s only 10″
“You’re enjoying yourself, aren’t you?”
“I’m beginning to, yes. We may do capitals of the states next”
“Fifty, right?”

“If I die, I want you to find every woman I’ve ever dated and tell them that I was talking about them at the end. That way they’ll have to reevaluate me.”

Aaron: I know you care about him. I’ve never seen you like this with anybody, so don’t get me wrong when I tell you that Tom, while being a very nice guy, is the devil.
Jane: This is friendship? You’re crazy, you know it? [walks away]
Aaron: What do you think the Devil’s going to look like?
Jane: Oh, God.
Aaron: Come on. No one’s going to be taken in by a guy with a long, red, pointy tail. Come on, what’s he gonna sound like [animal growl]. No! I’m semi-serious here.
Jane: You’re serious…
Aaron: No, he’ll be attractive, he’ll be nice and helpful. He’ll get a job where he’ll influence a great and god-fearing nation. He’ll never do an evil thing. He’ll never deliberately hurt a living thing. He’ll just, bit by little bit, lower our standards where they’re important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coast along, flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit. He’ll talk about all of us really being salesmen [Jane starts to leave]…and he’ll get all the great women.
Jane: [Halts at door and yells back, then walks back as she talks] Hey, Aaron, I think you’re the devil.
Aaron: You know I’m not.
Jane: How?
Aaron: Because we have the kind of friendship that if I was the Devil, you’d be the only person I’d tell…Give me this. He personifies everything that you’ve been fighting against…And I’m in love with you…How do you like that. I buried the lead…I gotta stop saying that out loud. It takes too much out of me.

Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves: I don’t watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves: I find it’s best to stay out of other people’s affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you’ve haven’t heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves: Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer: [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren’t paying any attention!
Randal Graves: No, I wasn’t.
Indecisive Video Customer: I don’t think your manager would appreciate…
Randal Graves: I don’t appreciate your ruse, ma’am.
Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal Graves: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren’t paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal Graves: And, I hope it feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer: You hope WHAT feels good?
Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal Graves: You’ll be missed.
Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!

“Did you know there’s a guy who goes in our closet?”
“You’ve seen him too?”
“What’s he doing in there?”
“Well what are you doing in there?”
“Getting my clothes, but that’s not what he’s doing in there”
“Of course not, he’s twice your size. Think before you ask these questions, Mitch.”

“What’s he like?”
“God? Lonely. But funny. He’s got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There’s nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.”
“Sex is a joke in heaven?”
“The way I understand it, it’s mostly a joke down here, too.”

“What exactly brought you to Illinois?”
“Some fuck named John Hughes.”
Sixteen Candles John Hughes?”
“You know that guy, too? See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, in Illinois, where all the honies are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies – except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin’ harsh – but best of all, there was no one dealin’, man; then, it hits me: we could live like phat rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed, and we caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are fuckin’ bullshit.”

“I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don’t celebrate your faith; you mourn it.”

“I’m responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time”
“Nineteen?”
“Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.”

“We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on”
“Well, it’s a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it’s not nearly as impressive. Just doesn’t have that wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this…”
“Well, then, you know, don’t use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.”
“Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gamorreh, I had to do all the work.”
“What work did you do? You lit a few fires.”
“I rained down sulphur, man, there’s a subtle difference.”
“Oh, yeah, I’m sure.”
“Hey you know Fuck you man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass Genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.”

“What do you do for recreation?”
“Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.”

“Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not Mr. Lebowski. You’re Mr. Lebowski. I’m the Dude. So that’s what you call me. You know, that or uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.”

“They want me to do a sequel.”
“A sequel, to “Death of a Salesman”? Doesn’t he die at the end of the first?”
“Yes, but he has a twin brother, and he wants revenge.”
“Revenge? But, doesn’t he kill himself?”
“No, no, that’s what you were led to believe. He was killed by the C.I.A for selling smack… to Nazis…”
“Wow!”

“I don’t wanna sound like a queer or nothin’, but I think Depeche Mode is a sweet band!”

“Say, have you seen that movie Clash of the Titans?”
“Oh yeah, the greek mythology.”
“Hey, I don’t wanna sound like a queer or nothin’, but I think unicorns are kick ass!”

“Jesus and I love you, Joe”

“Ah, DVDA shot. So you wanna get some sushi?”

“Uh, who’s car is that out front?”
“Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I’ve always wanted and now I have it. I rule!”

“My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men’s room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn’t so closely resemble Hell.”

“Man, you are one twisted fuck.”
“Nope, I’m just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.”

“It was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing and there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that’s the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and… this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember… and I need to remember… Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.”

“My dad thinks I paid for all this with catering jobs. Never underestimate the power of denial.”

“Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don’t you tell our daughter about it, honey?”
“Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
“Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of.”
“And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.”
“How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.”
“Lose it? I didn’t lose it. It’s not like, “Whoops! Where’d my job go?” I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.”

“Well, I see you’re smoking pot now. I think using psychotropic drugs is a very positive example to set for our daughter.”
“You’re one to talk, you bloodless, money-grabbing freak.”

“That’s my wife, Carolyn. See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That’s not an accident.”

“It’s a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.”

“Don’t you mess with me, mister, or I’ll divorce you so fast it’ll make your head spin!”
“On what grounds? I’m not a drunk, I don’t fuck other women, I’ve never hit you, I don’t mistreat you… I don’t even try to touch you since you’ve made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what’s yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!”

“It’s like God’s looking right at you, just for a second, and if you’re careful you can look right back.”
“And what do you see?”
“Beauty.”

Comments

  1. #1 carpundit
    May 26, 2004

    OK, I got most of them. Many, at least. Unless I’m wrong about the John Cusack lines. And the American Beauty stuff at the end threw me for a minute, but I got them.

    I missed some in the middle. So I have a question for you:

    Where are the answers?

  2. #2 Ed Brayton
    May 26, 2004

    LOL. They’re in my head. There aren’t any John Cusack lines on the list, though there certainly could be. There are innumerable great lines from Better Off Dead, Gross Pointe Blank and Say Anything (which also includes the greatest love song of the rock era, In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel).

  3. #3 carpundit
    May 26, 2004

    “If needy were a turn-on” ISN’T John Cusack in High Fidelity?

    I revise my self-score from most/many to some, maybe.

  4. #4 Ed Brayton
    May 26, 2004

    “If needy were a turn-on” ISN’T John Cusack in High Fidelity?

    Nope. That’s Albert Brooks in Broadcast News, which is easily one of my 10 favorite movies of all times. There were a lot of lines from that movie on the list, actually, including that wonderful exchange about Tom being the Devil.

  5. #5 Jim L.
    May 26, 2004

    “What I heard, meat, you couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a fuckin’ boat!”

  6. #6 Ed Brayton
    May 27, 2004

    Jim-

    Bull Durham is full of great quotes, including that one. Brilliantly written dialogue throughout that movie.

  7. #7 carpundit
    May 27, 2004

    I recognized many of the Broadcast News quotes, but not the “needy” one. I loved that movie back when I was in love with Holly Hunter. (Well, actually, I was in love with a girl from Arkansas who looked just like Holly Hunter, but that’s a long story for some other place.)

    Thanks for the quotes.

  8. #8 Jon Rowe, Esq.
    May 27, 2004

    I remember that scene from Clerks. I’ve seen all of Smith’s movie’s save Jersey Girl. I’ll get it when it comes out on DVD. I love his flicks.

    As for Caddyshack, am I alone in thinking that Ted Knight was the STAR of that movie, that even though everyone else was great, his performance as Judge Smails was just brilliant, so much that he stole the show?

  9. #9 Ed Brayton
    May 27, 2004

    I remember that scene from Clerks. I’ve seen all of Smith’s movie’s save Jersey Girl. I’ll get it when it comes out on DVD. I love his flicks.

    Me too, and I haven’t seen that one yet either. Smith is a genius.

    As for Caddyshack, am I alone in thinking that Ted Knight was the STAR of that movie, that even though everyone else was great, his performance as Judge Smails was just brilliant, so much that he stole the show?

    He was at his smarmy best in that movie, but I don’t know that I’d say he stole it. That was also one of the few movies in which I found Chevy Chase funny. In most movies, I just find Chase annoying, but Caddyshack and Fletch were great. And you gotta love Bill Murray.

  10. #10 Jon Rowe, Esq.
    May 27, 2004

    I agree that Chevy has had his (awful) moments. But what about Vacation? I actually liked all three of them (I’m not counting the 4th). But the first one was a classic. I think Chase is just too lazy to read for a good script. I don’t know, or maybe he just jumped the shark at one point.

    As for some of the others in Caddy Shack — I am shocked at how Brian Doyle Murray aged since that film. He literally looks like a different person and his voice got so much more gravelly, than say when he played the Bubble Boy’s father on Seinfeld.

  11. #11 Ed Brayton
    May 28, 2004

    I agree that Chevy has had his (awful) moments. But what about Vacation? I actually liked all three of them (I’m not counting the 4th). But the first one was a classic. I think Chase is just too lazy to read for a good script. I don’t know, or maybe he just jumped the shark at one point.

    I’ve found the Vacation movies relatively amusing. Better than most of his movies, but not as good as either Caddyshack or Fletch. I’m not sure what happened with him. He was actually the head writer on the original SNL show, so he’s obviously a very talented guy. Somewhere along the line I think he just got lazy and kept doing the same thing over and over again. Or perhaps Al Franken was right. When the Friar’s Club roasted Chevy Chase a coupley years ago, Franken said, “People often wonder what ever happened to the once promising career of Chevy Chase. I can answer that question in 3 grams.”

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