Dispatches from the Creation Wars

Anti-Gay Marriage Drama Queens

This is the text of a fundraising e-mail sent out by the Christian Family Coalition. I have not altered the text in any way, but I have added my own comments in italics just for fun.

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From: Christian Family Coalition

The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, the nation’s most radical homosexual group HAS RECEIVED A $100,000 matching grant to LEGALIZE homosexual “marriage” in America from a “gay family”! (see the scare quotes around “gay family”? Everyone knows that gays don’t have families, only Christians have families. In fact, they’ve trademarked the word “family” and only Christians are allowed to use it now. And that’s REAL Christians, buddy, not you lukewarm, tolerant and probably gay “Christians”)

This “gay family” are Tom Bombardier and John Fowler TWO MEN who claim they have been together eight years and have somehow “adopted” two children, ages 22 and 24 months! (is there anything funnier than misplaced scare quotes? The only way this would be better is if they put them around “men”. Did they adopt the children or just “adopt” them? Adoption is a legal term. They either adopted them or they did not. If they did, all the scare quotes in the world aren’t gonna change that.)

My friend, it is time to WAKE UP, the SURVIVAL OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE! Squawk. The sky is falling. Squawk.

WE CAN AND MUST WIN THE BATTLE TO PROTECT MARRIAGE! (Yeah, we have to protect marriage from people who want to get married. The surest way to protect marriage is to make sure that people who want to get married can’t actually do it. It’s kind of like those towels in your bathroom your wife won’t let you touch, or the furniture covered in plastic at your aunt’s house.)

IF WE DON’T, AMERICA WILL NOT SURVIVE BECAUSE:

1. Homosexual adoption will be instantly legalized and generations of children will be raised in unnatural environments – deprived of a mother and a father. (Yes, entire generations of children! Because gay marriage is so incredibly powerful that once it is legalized, the 95% of the population that isn’t gay will suddenly become gay and leave their husbands and wives and families to start “families” with other formerly-straight but suddenly-gay people. Why, even those Christian families that have formed this coalition will turn into “gay families”, such is the overwhelming lure of being gay that is being restrained only by the lack of gay marriage at the moment)

2. Schools will teach your children that two men “marrying” each other is the same as one man and one woman, marrying each other! (And that’s almost as bad as teaching them evolution – it’s straight from the Devil himself, you know)

3. Young boys and girls will be taught how to perform “safe sodomy” on each other in sex education classes. (And currently, they’re only taught to perform “unsafe sodomy”, which I assume means while driving on bumpy roads, or in your parents’ bed where you could get caught)

4. YOUR CHURCH will have to abandon Scripture and “marry” homosexuals or lose their tax exempt status or worse yet – BE SHUT DOWN if they refuse to marry two men or two women! (Uh, yeah. That’ll happen. Just like when the law allows people to worship other gods, churches were forced to abandon Scripture and stop teaching that Christianity is true or they could lose their tax exempt status)

TWO HOMOSEXUAL MEN donated $100,000 to LEGALIZE HOMOSEXUAL “MARRIAGE”! (yeah we, uh, heard you the first time you screamed it)

We NEED EVERYONE TOGETHER, TO DONATE $100,000 to SAVE MARRIAGE! (Ah, the crux of the matter – send us money and we’ll stop them faggots from destroying America)

The Christian Family Coalition, has fought and WON against the RADICAL HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA, whether it’s special rights or homosexual indoctrination
of kindergarten children! (no, really, we’ll stop them. We’ve done it before. I mean, despite the fact that our winning percentage against gay rights is slightly lower than Wile E. Coyote’s success rate against the Road Runner and gays are gaining more and more legal recognition for their rights every day, we’re really very good at stopping them. We have mastered the use of the two most powerful weapons in this battle – random capitalization and “scare quotes”.)

PLEASE STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW, (put down the Sharper Image catalog, lady, this is important!)

We ARE challenging YOU and thousands of Christians, just like you, TO MATCH DOLLAR FOR DOLLAR, this $100,000 assault on our families! (Only YOU can prevent sodomy. And forest fires.)

If homosexual extremists can DONATE $100,000 for a LIE!,

Then Christians across AMERICA can also donate $100,000 for the TRUTH – that MARRIAGE =ONE MAN + ONE WOMAN! (Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to meet our mistresses at the No Tell Motel for a quickie)

We only NEED 4,000 Christians, JUST LIKE YOU, to donate $25 each, we will reach our $100,000 GOAL! (Christians just like you. Not those liberal, feel-good, love-your-neighbor “Christians”)

WE KNOW THERE ARE AT LEAST 4,000 Christians, JUST LIKE YOU, who can donate at least $25! (And for your one-time donation of $25, we’ll throw in, absolutely FREE, a Ron Popeil Personal Witch Burning Rotisserie Grill, a $175 value. But wait, there’s more! We’ll also send you a holy handkerchief, blessed by Reverend Falwell himself. Now how much would you pay?)

Please, dig deep into your pockets, and make your EMERGENCY DONATION right now,

DON’T ALLOW any more time pass, WE MUST PROTECT AND DEFEND MARRIAGE IN AMERICA TODAY, RIGHT NOW!

WE CAN AND WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!

After you make your EMERGENCY DONATION, PLEASE pass on this alert to EVERYONE on YOUR E-MAIL LIST AND ASK THEM TO ALSO MAKE AN EMERGENCY DONATION

We are waiting on your EMERGENCY CONTRIBUTION TODAY!

The very survival of our nation is at stake!

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You can almost picture this person finishing this melodramatic screed and screaming “SERENITY NOW!”, can’t you? By the way, it’s even funnier if you read it out loud and then add in a Howard Dean “Yaaaaaaaaaaaargh!” scream at the end.

Comments

  1. #1 Jon Rowe, Esq.
    July 22, 2004

    You’ve outdone yourself. I was rolling over on the floor laughing with that one!

  2. #2 Lynn
    July 22, 2004

    Rushing NOW to send my $25, the very survival of our Nation rests on me!

  3. #3 Ed Brayton
    July 22, 2004

    LOL honey. And remember, only YOU can prevent forest fires.

  4. #4 Ace
    July 23, 2004

    We have mastered the use of the two most powerful weapons in this battle – random capitalization and “scare quotes”
    My favorite line! This post is the best birthday present yet!

  5. #5 Ed Brayton
    July 23, 2004

    Happy Birthday, Ace! Hope everything is blissful at the Pryhills home.

  6. #6 Liz Ditz
    July 25, 2004

    Ed, I just figured out how to post audio files to my blog (I aint smirt, I jus follow directions)

    I want to hear you read this. Really I do.

  7. #7 Zed
    July 26, 2004

    Interesting blog.

    It may interest your readers to know that the donation to the National Gay and Lesbian Taskforce occurred several months ago according to the NGLTF’s website. See http://www.thetaskforce.org/news/release.cfm?releaseID=664

    Did the Christian Family Coalition only realise it just now? It’s a bit late to be asking for emergency contributions because of it…

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