Dispatches from the Creation Wars

From his new column answering email feedback:

Q: I was watching “Seinfeld” the other night and wondered: How many dates do you think it took to sleep with Elaine? I say third date and you’re in. I think she would go all the way on the second date, but she probably would think that’s a little slutty, especially for a woman of her educational background.
–Heath, Hoboken, N.J.

SG: I’m going with two dates … one if she had enough to drink. She was the best. You know how women watch chick flicks because they want guys to be like Jerry Maguire or the guy Richard Gere played in Pretty Woman — deep, sensitive, multi-dimensional, funny, rich — even though we’re nothing remotely like that? Well, we had Elaine.

And…


Q: With Dave Chappelle signing an eye-popping $50 million deal with Comedy Central, where does ’04 Chappelle rank in the Pantheon of Black Comedian Breakout Years? Hasn’t he already surpassed ’97 Chris Rock and ’79 Richard Pryor and is now approaching ’84 Eddie Murphy status?
–Travis Barber, Mountain View, Calif.

SG: Whoa whoa whoa… slow down. ’84 Murphy was carrying “SNL” and making $200 million movies. ’04 Chappelle has a comedy show that everyone likes on cable TV. Big difference. I wouldn’t even put him ahead of Pryor at this point. And does anyone else worry about the Erick Dampier-potential of this big contract? Just remember what happened to Eddie — once he started making the big bucks, he moved to Bubble Hill, stopped hanging out with regular people and his comedy went in the tank. It’s never good for a comedian’s career to make crazy money. That’s why someone like Bill Hicks stayed sharp until the bitter end. He wasn’t living in some $15 million mansion having lackies running around to get him coffee and newspapers.

The perfect combination of dead-on accurate and funny.