Dispatches from the Creation Wars

The Real Idiot of the Month

I should have learned my lesson about naming an Idiot of the Month too early in the month. In America, just when you think you’ve found the bottom of the barrell, you discover that it’s barrells all the way down. Joseph Swank, move over. You’ve been out-moroned by Rep. Gerald Allen, a state Congressman from Alabama. In a move that would make George Wallace smile, Allen has proposed a bill that would ban any and all books that have gay characters in them from public libraries, in order to protect children from “the homosexual agenda”:

Allen said that if his bill passes, novels with gay protagonists and college textbooks that suggest homosexuality is natural would have to be removed from library shelves and destroyed.

“I guess we dig a big hole and dump them in and bury them,” he said.

Could we dump this cretin into the hole and bury him instead? The world will lose far less of value. Allen’s bill would also ban any school funds from doing anything at all that included gay characters. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? Nope, not in Alabama, son. It’s got queers in it. Lynne Cheney’s lesbian novel, Sisters? Sorry kid, not even Republican lesbian novels are allowed here. The Color Purple? Surely you jest, boy. That book not only has queers, it has queer negros in it!

Apparently, homosexuality is so damn tempting that you can turn gay just from reading about gay people! In fact, I’ve noticed that a lotta gay people like to read. Maybe reading itself turns people gay. By God, we’ve got a new law – ban all books. Books lead to thinkin’, which leads to smoking marijuana, which leads to jazz music and rapin’ white women. That book learnin’ may be fine for some, but it don’t put squirrel on the table.

And remember, this comes after the American Family Association started a stink over gay vegetarian sharks in a Disney movie. And let’s not forget Jerry Falwell outing Tinky Winky. Have these people lost their minds? Or did they never have minds in the first place?

By the way, Rep. Allen’s office phone number is (334) 242-7758. His home phone number is (205) 556-5310. I think everyone should give him a call and let him know what a fucking moron he is.


  1. #1 Jim Anderson
    December 3, 2004

    There are too many idiots to have just one per month, Mr. Brayton.

  2. #2 Lynn
    December 3, 2004

    Honey, you should know better than to even tempt me with those telephone numbers. This guy isn’t just an idiot he is demented. He deserves to at least hold his title for a year. (I looked at a gay person once, OMG I will turn gay!!)

  3. #3 KeithB
    December 3, 2004

    I think he thinks just walking by the books can catch you the gay.

  4. #4 rea
    December 3, 2004

    goodbye Plat–Alabam doesn’t want you . . .

  5. #5 raj
    December 4, 2004

    Ed, you should consider doing a set of candidates for “idiot of the month” and then selecting one of them at the end as the Tru-Blue (Red?) Idiot of the month.

    YOu might want to consider, however, that this wacko for Abalama is nothing more than an extension of the creationist wackos that you have been dealing with here and on Panda’s Thumb. They will be the death, not only of public education, but also of public libraries, and other government facilities. Prepare for it. It will be coming.

  6. #6 Robert O'Brien
    December 4, 2004

    Mr. Brayton,

    In the interest of fairness, what is your home telephone number so I can call you up and tell you what an f’ing moron I think you are (I sent you an e-mail to that effect, but it lacks that personal touch)?

  7. #7 Ed Brayton
    December 4, 2004

    The representative’s home phone number was published on his legislative website and is therefore entirely public information. Mine is not, nor will it be. And unlike Mr. Allen, I’m not a fucking moron.

  8. #8 Robert O'Brien
    December 4, 2004

    And unlike Mr. Allen, I’m not a fucking moron.

    That’s right. You are, in fact, worse–a pretentious f’ing moron.

  9. #9 Ed Brayton
    December 4, 2004

    LOL. Thanks for dropping me. You’ve not only been a joy, you’ve been an inconvenience. And when your IQ hits 8, sell.

  10. #10 Jillian
    December 5, 2004

    1 Sam 18: 1-4: “And it came to pass when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day, and would let him no more go home to his father’s house. Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped him of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and bow, and girdle.

    1 Sam 20:30-31: “Then Saul’s anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, do I not know that thou has chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother’s nakedness? For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom. Wherefore now send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.”

    All I can say is that I certainly hope that Rep. Allen will be banning this filth from falling into the hands of our children, because this surely sounds to me like the horror experienced by a parent when he discovers his beloved son is gay. I’ll bet that pansy David never amounted to anything, either.

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