Dispatches from the Creation Wars

Sports Break: NBA Draft

Okay, I gotta take a break from the seriousness once in a while and talk about sports. I am, as you all should know, a major college basketball nut and Tuesday was the NBA Draft. The first thing you must do if you care about this subject at all is go read the Sports Guy’s draft diary, which he does every year. This year’s is hilarious, as always. My favorite part is this:

9:02 – ESPN should have a feature in the post-draft special with NBA fans calling friends who aren’t watching the draft to tell them what happened in the last 10 picks. I just called my buddy House, who’s at the Nationals game in DC right now – he let out a series of “What? You’re lying! What? What? Come on! Get out of here! Whaaaaaaaaat?” Highest of high comedy. I felt like I was telling him that I just grew three extra nipples and a third leg.

It’s funny because I had almost this exact conversation with my brother, who walked in about halfway through the first round and asked what was happening in the draft. When I told him that the Toronto Raptors took Charlie Villanueva with the 7th pick, he said, “No seriously, who did they really take?” He didn’t believe me until the draft ticker on the bottom of the TV confirmed it. I suggest an 11th commandment – thou shalt never doubt just how stupid the Toronto Raptors can be. This is the team that just last year drafted Rafael Araujo with the 10th pick. Who? Exactly my point. Then they traded away Vince Carter for a tub of popcorn and a Molson and watched him resurrect his career in New Jersey by tearing up the league for the next 3 months. It’s time to end the “basketball in Canada” experiment before they humiliate themselves any further. Which brings us to Simmons’ best suggestion of all:

By the way, I think this draft should have a running feature called “Pick Me Baby One More Time” with failed GM’s from years past trying to explain crappy picks for the teams that just made them. For instance, former Celtics GM Chris Wallace could have come out tonight and reenacted his explanation for the Kedrick Brown pick four years ago, and then later in the show, he could have performed an explanation for this Bynum pick. Wouldn’t that have been just as riveting as seeing Wang Chung singing “Everybody Wang Chung Tonight” and Nelly’s “It’s Getting Hot in Here”?

That should be on pay per view, for crying out loud. I’d pay money to hear Scott Layden explain how he screwed up the Knicks for the better part of a decade. But even before that, I’m pushing for a constitutional amendment requiring that the draft be televised on TNT. It’s a crime that we are denied the prospect of hearing Charles Barkley react to all the bad picks.


  1. #1 Matthew
    June 30, 2005

    The Raptors just have a bad GM. They have good local ownership and their attendance is among the best despite their mediocrity. Their two other picks were good though. They did the same thing last year, screwed up with the high pick but got a steal in the second round with Pape Sow.

  2. #2 raj
    July 1, 2005

    I don’t have the power to publish posts here, but it has been reported that O’Connor is stepping down. Just want to let you know. Off topic, of course.

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