Dispatches from the Creation Wars

ACLU Admits to War on Christmas

It appears that the ACLU has finally seen the handwriting on the wall. Under the withering attack of the crack investigative reporters at the Worldnutdaily and StopTheACLU, they’ve finally just come out and admitted that they are engaged in a war on Christmas. Indeed, it appears to be worse than anyone thought:

Thanks to FOX News and highly credible voices like StoptheACLU.org, the news is out that ACLU has declared War on Christmas.

It’s true. In fact, I have just returned from our War Room where ACLU’s brightest minds are spending this final weekend before the holiday plotting to kill Christmas. Atop every mountain we’ve secretly placed an army of green grinches prepared to sled down on Christmas morning into towns across America to steal presents from toddlers.

Don’t believe it? I tell you I’ve seen the secret grinch training facilities.

The War Room for Operation Kill Christmas lies in a bunker deep underground. That’s also where we keep all our Communists. I know most of you thought Communism was dead after the fall of the Berlin Wall. It’s not true. They’re all huddled deep underground in our secret ACLU bunker.

It was the Communists, in fact, perhaps predictably, who came up with the idea of taking the War on Christmas to the next level involving actual armed struggle.

You heard it here first: ACLU plans to assassinate Santa Claus.

We can’t be stopped. Our sleeper cells are already in place. Two of his elves are actually ACLU operatives who entered the North Pole illegally and got jobs using fake IDs.

Tomorrow on the O’Reilly Factor: “I told you so”.


  1. #1 pough
    January 4, 2006

    Speaking of O’Reilly, did you happen to catch him on Letterman last night? Dave took him to task for demeaning Cindy Sheehan and told him that 60% of what he said was pure crap. He also looked like he was having a hard time not giving him a good, hard smack. It was, as Paul said afterwards, “good television”.

  2. #2 Dave S.
    January 4, 2006

    Only 60%?

    Dave was just being polite.

  3. #3 spyder
    January 4, 2006

    O’Reilly’s having a pretty good week already: offering to expose the private lives of NYT personnel, suggesting that George Soros should be hanged, and proffering his own “comedic?” talent as a headline about shooting cab drivers.

    He hasn’t really taken on the “commies” yet. Probably because the US owes so much of its economic welfare to those communists that refused to die in “89–China.

  4. #4 ivyprivy
    January 8, 2006

    The war on Christmas in undeniable. One of those ACLU sleeper cells was exposed and take down just the other day after executing a mission:
    Christmas tree arson suspect arrested

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