Dispatches from the Creation Wars

Word Up, K-Fed

If you haven’t heard the little snippet of Keven Federline’s attempt to rap that has leaked out on to the internet, you have to find it. It’s brutally bad. Don Knotts would have more street cred as a rapper. Federline, better known as Mr. Britney Spears, is shaping up to be a major embarrassment and yet another has-been who never was. No one has yet detected any discernable talent in him other than his ability to woo a celebrity, making him the cultural bastard child of Tom Arnold and Yoko Ono. You just know this one is going to end in a nasty divorce, a multi-state coke binge and an episode of the “Whatever happened to…” segment on Entertainment Tonight. I only wish we could fast forward right to that inevitable ending.

Update: Someone said in comments that I’m being unfair to Tom Arnold with this comparison. The good thing about Federline is that I can recycle all the old jokes I used to do on stage about Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr. I had an absolutely brutal routine I did about the two of them where I pronounced him a “no-talent, money-sucking leech. At their wedding they should have been pronounced host and parasite. And now they’ve got a restaurant together that is being managed by Tom’s brother, making him a parasite twice removed – a virus in the stomach of a tick on the ass of a pig. Roseanne actually told Johnny Carson that she wanted to direct Tom in a movie western because ‘he has what John Wayne had.’ Let’s hope she’s talking about cancer.” I actually worked with one of Tom’s old buddies from Iowa once who told me that he was going to send a tape of my act to Roseanne and Tom and they were gonna sue me. My response was, “Oh please do. I’ll beg them to sue me.”

Comments

  1. #1 Ocellated.com
    January 24, 2006

    Yep, it’s horrible.

  2. #2 FishyFred
    January 24, 2006
  3. #3 spyder
    January 24, 2006

    Ed? Is this even worth posting about??

  4. #4 Matthew
    January 24, 2006

    Don’t hate on K-Fed, he does plan on getting his GED after all.

  5. #5 RPM
    January 24, 2006

    I heard he got kicked out of the house for smoking too many doobies. Pretty soon, he’ll be living in a van down by the river.

  6. #6 Ed Brayton
    January 24, 2006

    spyder wrote:

    Ed? Is this even worth posting about??

    Well, I think it is just because I find it amusing. All work and no play makes Ed a dull boy.

  7. #7 Algerine
    January 24, 2006

    Gads, I never thought I’d be saying this, but I think Ed’s being a little unfair to Tom and Yoko. Yoko Ono had a successful career in avant-garde art before meeting Lennon and Tom Arnold has had a sustainable, if less-than-stellar, career after Roseanne. Kevin Federline? He was a dime-a-dozen background dancer and it doesn’t look like his career is about to blossom anytime soon. I’d say he’s more the bastard son of Kato Kaelin.

  8. #8 Dave S.
    January 24, 2006

    Say what you will about K-Fed…at least he was smart enough to latch onto that gravy train when it rumbled by. He recognized Brittany’s need to express her inner white-trashiness and ran with it.

    Today, it’s not just the hangers-on, but the celebs themselves who often lack any discernable talents. Just look at Paris Hilton, who’s made a career of being dumb and slutty, which she could accomplish thanks to a rock solid foundation of family money that she had nothing to do with acquiring. Or any of the so-called reality show “stars”.

  9. #9 oolong
    January 24, 2006

    Well, Ed, I can only explain your distaste of this debut album in the lyrical words of the great K-Fed himself,

    YOU AIN’T READY FOR THIS!

  10. #10 flatlander100
    January 25, 2006

    Ed wrote:

    Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr. I had an absolutely brutal routine I did about the two of them where I pronounced him a “no-talent, money-sucking leech. At their wedding they should have been pronounced host and parasite. And now they’ve got a restaurant together that is being managed by Tom’s brother, making him a parasite twice removed – a virus in the stomach of a tick on the ass of a pig. Roseanne actually told Johnny Carson that she wanted to direct Tom in a movie western because ‘he has what John Wayne had.’ Let’s hope she’s talking about cancer.”

    Well, I guess I must be getting longer of tooth than I realized. I don’t find any of the above particularly funny. Especially the final line.

    And I find it passing strange that Ed [or anyone else not applying Zits-Be-Gone Wonder Cream every night before bed] would think the bedding choices of Ms. Spears worth so much as a passing thought, much less a post. Who the hell cares?

  11. #11 Jim Lippard
    January 25, 2006

    The day we can’t laugh at cancer is the day the terrorists have won. Or something like that.

  12. #12 Ed Brayton
    January 25, 2006

    I have a very dark sense of humor that some people find offensive. They certainly did while I was doing comedy (in one instance, I had a guy rush the stage to beat me up and the bouncers had to drag him out of there – that was because I joked about his religion). I have to admit to being amused at the comments I get when I post something frivolous and funny like this. It’s as though people think that if one writes the serious stuff I do, they can’t also enjoy pop culture and making fun of it. It’s just another aspect of my personality and that will come out here just as surely as my serious side. I’m sure most of my readers probably roll their eyes when I post about sports as well, but they are of course free to skip over those posts and not read them.

  13. #13 chrisberez
    January 25, 2006

    “Roseanne actually told Johnny Carson that she wanted to direct Tom in a movie western because ‘he has what John Wayne had.’ Let’s hope she’s talking about cancer.”

    Man, I’m glad I wasn’t drinking my water when I read that because I would have choked. That is awsome.

  14. #14 spyder
    January 25, 2006

    “I have to admit to being amused at the comments I get when I post something frivolous and funny like this. It’s as though people think that if one writes the serious stuff I do”

    Well, it seemed to me there are so many better targets that deserve thrashing in our cultural mix. I do however greatly appreciate your twisted dark sense of humor, and i enjoy it when you let it loose. K-Fed is so gnat like though, when we have things like the new TV advertisements for the US Army to ridicule and mock.

  15. #15 spyder
    January 25, 2006

    another way to look at humor on Tuesday Nature.com

    http://www.nature.com/news/2006/060123/full/060123-2.html

    Laughter paves the way for romance
    Studies suggest humour signals big brain and good partner-potential.
    If love is blind, then maybe humour is the attention-grabber.

    That’s the conclusion of two recent studies that confirm a long-standing stereotype of flirting: that women like joky men, while men like women who laugh at their jokes.

    The idea that funny people are attractive may seem obvious. But there have been very few scientific studies to examine whether or not this is true.

    Eric Bressler of Westfield State College, Massachusetts, and colleague Sigal Balshine of McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, did this by asking more than 200 male and female college students to examine photos of members of the opposite sex. Some had funny quotes pinned beneath them, such as: “My high school was so rough we had our own coroner.” Others had bland ones: “I’d rather walk to school than take the bus.”

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