If you haven’t heard the little snippet of Keven Federline’s attempt to rap that has leaked out on to the internet, you have to find it. It’s brutally bad. Don Knotts would have more street cred as a rapper. Federline, better known as Mr. Britney Spears, is shaping up to be a major embarrassment and yet another has-been who never was. No one has yet detected any discernable talent in him other than his ability to woo a celebrity, making him the cultural bastard child of Tom Arnold and Yoko Ono. You just know this one is going to end in a nasty divorce, a multi-state coke binge and an episode of the “Whatever happened to…” segment on Entertainment Tonight. I only wish we could fast forward right to that inevitable ending.
Update: Someone said in comments that I’m being unfair to Tom Arnold with this comparison. The good thing about Federline is that I can recycle all the old jokes I used to do on stage about Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr. I had an absolutely brutal routine I did about the two of them where I pronounced him a “no-talent, money-sucking leech. At their wedding they should have been pronounced host and parasite. And now they’ve got a restaurant together that is being managed by Tom’s brother, making him a parasite twice removed – a virus in the stomach of a tick on the ass of a pig. Roseanne actually told Johnny Carson that she wanted to direct Tom in a movie western because ‘he has what John Wayne had.’ Let’s hope she’s talking about cancer.” I actually worked with one of Tom’s old buddies from Iowa once who told me that he was going to send a tape of my act to Roseanne and Tom and they were gonna sue me. My response was, “Oh please do. I’ll beg them to sue me.”