Dispatches from the Creation Wars

The Christian Program

Are you confused over all the different types of Christian groups there are out there? It’s easy to lose track of them all. Your eyes can glaze over trying to distinguish between fundamentalists and evangelicals, and don’t even get me started on the difference between infralapsarian Calvinists and supralapsarian Calvinists. Sometimes you can’t tell the players without a program. Thankfully, Zach Wendling over at In the Agora has linked to just such a scorecard, and it’s pretty funny stuff. A few examples:

This is the belief among some Christians that, ever since Jan. 1, 2000, it has no longer been possible, in the words of the Prince song, “to party like it’s 1999.” Postmillenialists are those Christians who believe that it will always be possible to do so, while Amillenialists believe that in this context, “1999” cannot be understood literally, but must be read as an allegorical term roughly meaning “a time at which it is especially appropriate to party.”

Catholics are the New York Yankees of Christianity. They are the biggest and wealthiest team, and their owner is intensely controversial (this makes St. Francis of Assisi the Derek Jeter of Catholicism: discuss). Catholics all wear matching uniforms, and are divided into “parishes,” or “squadrons,” to make choosing softball teams easier. Catholics are rigidly controlled by a hidebound hierarchy that starts with priests and ends with priests’ housekeepers. Catholics are not allowed to read the Bible, eat meat, or refrain from worshipping statues.

Baptists are Christians who believe God can only be accessed by means of a swimming pool or, in some cases, a shallow outdoor stream. The first Baptist was John the Baptist, who was said to eat locusts and honey, although contemporary Baptists generally prefer barbecue. “Baptism” is also the term used to describe a key Christian ceremony, in which prospective members of the church are either initiated actually (Catholics, Orthodox, confused Protestants) or symbolically (Protestants, confused Catholics, religious studies professors). Catholics believe that anyone can perform a valid baptism, Orthodox believe that any Christian can, while Baptists, paradoxically, believe that only they can.

Very funny stuff, I encourage you to read the whole thing.


  1. #1 Capt. Rational
    May 16, 2006

    Thanks for passing that along, Ed. I needed a laugh in these days of seemingly endless doom and gloom.

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