Dispatches from the Creation Wars

Like between 6/29 and 7/04, according to this press release from a group of Bible scholars. The folks at truebiblecode.com have it all figured out (just as Nostradamus predicted they would) and say that there will be a nuclear terror attack on Manhattan between those two dates. They’ve got a really fancy system worked out, all based on Isaac Newton’s mathematics plus a Green Hornet decoder ring they got from a Cracker Jack box.

Comments

  1. #1 J-Dog
    June 27, 2006

    Yes, the end of sanity is near…
    OR,
    This is a plot by an evil arch villain, like Joker or Ridler to get all people out of Gotham City, so they can work their nefarious plot and steal all the jewels and gems in all the NY diamond stores. Plus, maybe find on-the-street-parking and get front row seats at a Broadway play, because they will be the only ones still there, and you got to take advantage while you can.

    I went to your posted link… I can’t believe all the incredible details of their mumbo-jumbo! Seriously deluded people with WAY too much time on their hands.

  2. #2 Dan
    June 27, 2006

    Oh please! Personally, I don’t believe these end times prophecies unless they come straight from the horse’s mouth — Pat Robertson. He talks directly with god, you know. And he’s NEVER wrong. Well, almost never. OK, sometimes. But he leg presses 2000 pounds. Let’s see these “bible scholars” pull that one off.

    Should I cancel my class on July 5?

  3. #3 Doug
    June 27, 2006

    Excellent news! I had dental surgery scheduled for July 5. Now all I face are the everlasting flames of perdition.

  4. #4 Ginger Yellow
    June 27, 2006

    The standfirst to the press release:

    They advise everyone with faith in God to be at least 20 miles away from Midtown Manhattan between Sundown Thursday June 29th and Sundown Tuesday July 4th 2006.

    Whereas unbelievers should congregate near the epicentre, obviously.

    The reader might think that such an endeavour is the preserve of religious freaks or wacky bible fanatics. But the Bible Scholars point out that Sir Isaac Newton, who discovered half of Pure Mathematics (Calculus) and who invented the entire subject of Newtonian Dynamics and who discovered gravity and who 300 hundred years ago formulated the laws which enabled NASA to put a man on the moon in the last century, knew that the bible was written in a symbolic code. He spent much of his life trying to decode it and calculated that Armageddon would be in 1948 (it would have been difficult for him to verify that calculation and correct it accordingly as we can today!) Much of Newton’s scriptural work can be found in his book: Observations on the Prophecies of Daniel and the Apocalypse of St. John, published presently by The Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine. ISBN 0-942487-02-8. Not quite as popular as the Da Vinci Code, but much more logical!

    Let me get this right. You think the fact that somebody else made an apocalyptic prediction that proved spectacularly wrong lends support to your apocalyptic prediction? Please explain how that works.

    I’m curious to know if these people have paid their rent/mortgage/newspaper subscriptions etc for July and beyond.

  5. #5 Ginger Yellow
    June 27, 2006

    This is just too good. From the very first paragraph of the page linked to in the press release:

    It is certainly true that: No nukes is good nukes! But just because we got the date wrong (3 times) does not mean that the scriptural threat has evaporated. It is still there in black and white in bible symbolism. So we still have the almost impossible task of persuading a typical New Yorker with faith in God, that the Bible predicts the very day and place of the first terrorist nuke.

    Way to go about persuading people, guys.

  6. #6 Dave S.
    June 27, 2006

    A couple gems from the truebiblecode site:

    We are now 98% confident that the UN Plaza will be hit by a terrorist nuclear bomb between Thursday evening June 29th and Tuesday evening July 4th, 2006

    Wiggle room. Good idea guys, considering…

    But just because we got the date wrong (3 times) does not mean that the scriptural threat has evaporated. It is still there in black and white in bible symbolism.

    It’s right there in black and white. What could be more obvious! Which is why this is our 4th try at a date.

    We risk looking like complete and utter turkeys on July 5th if nothing has happened by then, rather than looking like the wackos and complete turkeys that we presently look like to most people.

    Wait a minute. How is “complete and utter turkey” worse than “wacko and complete turkey”? Sounds like their reputation will improve by another miss!

    The first Abrahamic covenant saves Muslims, Hindus, Bhuddists, Kabbalah followers, Christian Scientists, Jews, Mormons, Catholics, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Falun Gong believers, Protestants, Pentecostals and even Politicians and Paedophiles so long as these ones have faith in God.

    Holy crap! Even politicians??

    In England when you stop in a car to let someone cross a road, they do not even look at you to acknowledge your kindness. In fact most of them just walk straight out in front of you deliberately looking in the other direction and expect you to accept that their time and their journey by foot are so much more important than your time and your journey by car.

    Speaking for myself, I look in the opposite direction to avoid walking into the path of the car coming from the opposite direction. One can’t always cross one-way streets.

    Lo! Clearly we are therefore in the last days.

    Jesus, did not say, who are you kidding Satan? You do not control any kingdom of the world. He accepted that Satan controlled them but refused to worship him in order to get them. If Satan did not control them then Jesus would have known it and this would not have been any sort of test. I mean if Meat Loaf offered Jesus all the kingdoms of the world, this would not be a test of Jesus, since Meat Loaf does have any of these kingdoms. Elvis on the other hand might have been different.

    Nothing like a little Meat Loaf/Elvis levity when you’re trying to convince a city of 8 million that it’s about to be wiped out.

    She [ed. Lot's wife] was too focused on the everyday trivialities of life. She could not stay focused on the big picture, which was that Sodom was toast and she needed to move on to the next system. She was still thinking about the curtain material for her master bedroom.

    Back to the serious stuff.

    But for what it is worth Sundown July 3rd to Sundown July 4th fits 1 Kings 18:43 the best. So it looks to us to be the most dangerous date scripturally.

    Ohhhhh K.

    As we mentioned when discussing 1 Thessalonians 5:3, the destruction of the UN is the first pang of distress of a pregnant woman. So it is the first of the 7 nukes, and it will be the smallest nuke, since the first birth pang is the smallest.

    Not just 1, but 7 nukes! And apparently, the first will be the smallest, so that’s a relief.

  7. #7 beervolcano
    June 27, 2006

    http://texas.tribe.net/recommendation/Vivo-clustered-water/texas-us/cf3d2aac-f134-4515-87ea-ae839045ef49

    Long-story-short: Like everything else on earth, water degrades over time. “Vivo” is water restored back to the way it was when God created it 6000 years ago. The metabolic aide and healing properties of Vivo are so great, Dr. Carl Baugh (founder of the Creation Evidence Museum in Glen Rose, TX – http://www.creationevidence.org) devoted two entire episodes of his TBN program (“Creation in the 21st Century”) just to Vivo. The wife of one of the researchers involved claimed Vivo cured her fibromyalgia. She also said her son’s wart was gone after three days of having a Vivo-soaked cotton-ball bandaged to it! A losing olympic swimming team started winning after they started drinking Vivo; the other teams were so shocked at their improvement, they demanded they be tested for steroids! When I drink Vivo, I feel 10 pounds lighter and I don’t get thirsty as quickly as I do after drinking regular water. They say you can use it topically and they’re right – when I smear it on my chapped lips, they instantly stop hurting, and when I rub it on cuts and scrapes, they instantly stop stinging and they heal ten times faster! My father says Vivo gives him more energy. My mother says it “rejuvenates” her. When my brother-in-law’s brother drank a Vivo for the first time, he was amazed – he said it was “smooth” and the best water he ever drank. Two friends of my mother said they could feel difference. People who say “water is water” don’t know what they’re talking about. – Joey , posted 02/14/06

  8. #8 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    June 27, 2006

    Couldn’t god have planned this a little better. The Braves are playing the Yankees this week in NYC and a nuclear attack on the city sure would put me out of the misery of watching them suck for the rest of the year.

    What a selfish bastard god is.

  9. #9 Doug
    June 27, 2006

    And have you tried new diet lime Vivo?
    It’s Vivo-licious!

  10. #10 Capt. Rational
    June 27, 2006

    For sale: My worldly possessions. Pre-Rapture value estimated at $450,000. Can be yours for $50,000 OBO! All sales final, you heathen bastards!

  11. #11 386sx
    June 27, 2006

    Sir Isaac Newton … discovered half of Pure Mathematics (Calculus) … discovered gravity …

    … when the apple fell on his head …

  12. #12 Ginger Yellow
    June 27, 2006

    The first Abrahamic covenant saves Muslims, Hindus, Bhuddists, Kabbalah followers, Christian Scientists, Jews, Mormons, Catholics, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Falun Gong believers, Protestants, Pentecostals and even Politicians and Paedophiles so long as these ones have faith in God.

    Holy crap! Even politicians??

    Buddhists don’t have faith in God. And Hindus are basically polytheists – to the extent that they are monotheists, Brahman certainly isn’t the Abrahamic God.

  13. #13 Chris Heard
    June 27, 2006

    Okay, I’m sure you realize this, but as an actual competent biblical scholar myself I have to say: these idiots are not real biblical scholars.

  14. #14 Ken Brown
    June 27, 2006

    LOL, I completely forgot about this! When Chris Herd linked to the last one of these press releases, prophesying a nuke between June 9-10, I meant to check back in when it didn’t happen. Alas, by June 11 I had forgotten all about it. I’m glad to see reality hasn’t changed their minds! *sigh*

  15. #15 Ginger Yellow
    June 27, 2006

    The whole thing is very reminiscent of this sketch from Beyond the Fringe: http://www.epicure.demon.co.uk/endworld.html

    Jon : How will it be, this end of which you have spoken, Brother Enim?

    Omnes: Yes, how will it be?

    Peter : Well, it will be, as ’twere a mighty rending in the sky, you see, and the mountains shall sink, you see, and the valleys shall rise, you see, and great shall be the tumult thereof.

    Jon : Will the veil of the temple be rent in twain?

    Peter : The veil of the temple will be rent in twain about two minutes before we see the sign of the manifest flying beast-head in the sky.

    Alan : And will there be a mighty wind, Brother Enim?

    Peter : Certainly there will be a mighty wind, if the word of God is anything to go by…

    Dudley : And will this wind be so mighty as to lay low the mountains of the earth?

    Peter : No – it will not be quite as mighty as that – that is why we have come up on the mountain, you stupid nit – to be safe from it. Up here on the mountain we shall be safe – safe as houses.

    Alan : And what will happen to the houses?

    Peter : Well, naturally, the houses will be swept away and the tents of the ungodly with them, and they will all be consuméd by the power of the heavens and on earth – and serve them right!

    Alan : And shall we be consumed?

    Peter : Con..sum..éd? No, we shall not be consuméd – we shall be up on the mountain here, you see, while millions burn, having a bit of a giggle.

    Jon : When will it be, this end of which you have spoken?

    Omnes : Aye, when will it be – when will it be?

    Peter : In about thirty seconds time, according to the ancient pyramidic scrolls… and my Ingersoll watch.

    Jon : Shall we compose ourselves, then?

    Peter : Good plan, Brother Pithy. Prepare for the End of the World! Fifteen seconds…

    Alan : Have we got the tinned food?

    Dudley : Yes.

    Peter : Ten seconds…

    Jon : And the tin-opener?

    Dudley : Yes.

    Peter : Five – four – three – two – one – Zero!

    Omnes : (Chanting) Now is the end – Perish The World!

    A pause

    Peter : It was GMT, wasn’t it?

    Jon : Yes.

    Peter : Well, it’s not quite the conflagration I’d been banking on. Never mind, lads, same time tomorrow… we must get a winner one day.

  16. #16 Red Right Hand
    June 27, 2006

    I like that bit about Newton “discovering” gravity. Prior to the Big Newt, people had to hang on to tree tops to avoid falling off the earth. Once Isaac had a chance to strut his stuff, things got a lot more orderly.

  17. #17 Matthew
    June 27, 2006

    Bold statement: They’re bat-shit crazy.

  18. #18 Jason Spaceman
    June 27, 2006

    These guys were predicting the same thing would happen on June 9 or 10 (see here.).

    Back then they were only 85% certain though.

  19. #19 Dave S.
    July 3, 2006

    30 hours to go…..still no bang.

    Better get the excuse warmed up boys.

  20. #20 Dave S.
    July 3, 2006

    33 hours 45 minutes….then. My mistake! :)

  21. #21 Dave S.
    July 5, 2006

    Ohhhhhhhhhhh….missed again. I would have thought they’d sieze onto the Korean missile tests and say maybe that was what the Bible was saying. But no, they have far too much integrity for that.

    We have indeed made 4 mistakes so far. 4 nuclear prediction mistakes. 4 very large mistakes. 4 very visible mistakes. But fortunately we do not hold to the doctrine of papal infallibility. So we can learn from our mistakes rather than pretending that we never make any.

    This is what we have learned…

    The UN in Midtown Manhattan will be hit by a terrorist nuclear bomb sometime in the Biblical month of Tammuz, i.e. before Sundown Friday July 28th, 2006.

    We do apologise for our incompetence at getting the day right, but we still think we have the month right. So we again strongly advise anyone in New York City with any faith in God, whatever his religion or whatever his distrust of organised religion, to take as much time out of the city as he or she can prior to and including Friday July 28th.

    We just cannot nail this thing to the very day right now. So we have to highlight the whole month up to the 28th. This is not much use to many people we know. But if you get the chance to be outside the city we would advise you to take it.

    O.K. We’re really really serious this time.

    Oh and P.S., we’re also predicting Armageddon for Summer of 2008.

  22. #22 Dave S.
    July 27, 2006

    Nuclear Armageddon in New York tomorrow!!! They’re really really serious this time!!!!!!!!!!!

    Really!!!!!!!!