Dispatches from the Creation Wars

The K-Fed Chronicles

Okay, I know most of my readers aren’t gonna care at all about this, but as an inveterate watcher of pop culture disasters, something has to be said about the performance of Kevin Federline on the Teen Choice awards (yes, I actually wrote myself a note to turn it on for the last 10 minutes – even interrupting a poker game – so I wouldn’t miss this trainwreck as it happened). Anyone who really watches pop culture knew the moment that Britney Spears married Federline that this was going to be a long series of disasters with an inevitable bad ending. He’s Tom Arnold 2.0, a talentless hack feeding off the money and fame (notice I didn’t say talent) of his wife.

At the wedding, they should have been pronounced host and parasite rather than husband and wife. And like Roseanne, who once proclaimed that she wanted to direct Tom in a western because “he has what John Wayne had” (sadly, she wasn’t talking about cancer), Britney is convinced – for now – that Kevin is a major talent just waiting for the world to discover him, with her help. If Sunday night’s breathtakingly bad performance (if you haven’t seen it, click here) doesn’t change her mind, nothing will.

This performance had it all – bad lip synching by the backup performers, a rapper with absolutely no sense of rhythm who has achieved exactly nothing telling us “don’t hate cuz I’m a superstar”, bragging about the lambourghini (that his wife bought him) and declaring “I take care of my own, that’s my family” (yeah, Kev, how much money did you put in the joint checking account recently?), a break dancer (only 20 years after break dancing became passe`) and a black DJ who just had his membership in the hip hop community revoked permanently for daring to take part in this travesty (seriously, if that guy runs into Dr. Dre any time soon, he’s gonna get his ass kicked).

I kid you not, at one point he actually raises his hand in a fist and yells IRIE! to the crowd; Bob Marley just rolled over in his grave. This guy is about as Jamaican as Truman Capote, for crying out loud. It was just another example of a lameass white guy trying desperately to adopt the trappings of black culture and falling on his face with a resounding thud. It reminded me of Jamie Kennedy’s performance in Malibu’s Most Wanted, but at least that performance was intended to be a parody. It was as painful as watching Dan Aykroyd in his 50s pulling out the harmonica and croaking out lame versions of blues songs, it just makes you say, “Please…for God’s sake, have some dignity. Just stop.”

And just to bring it all full circle, I give you the reaction of one of the Sports Guy’s readers to the performance:

After watching the train wreck of a performance from K-Fed at the Teen Choice Awards, I started to think … is Britney Spears the Mike Tyson of the pop world? Think about it, she got on top of her game at a really young age, blew by the competition and seemed to have peaked at around 21. Then, she breaks up with Timberlake (which could be Cus D’Amato dying). Then finds K-Fed (who is a mix of Don King, the rape charge, and Buster Douglas all in one). So what’s next for my former dream girl?
–Dan Soder, Tucson, Ariz.

I find it equal parts amusing and sad that we’re really only about 10 minutes into K-Fed’s 15 minutes of fame, but I think we all know how this one ends. If life came with a remote control, we could just hit the fast forward button and go right to the part where she throws him out, he writes a tell-all book and fades into anonymity. Or we could fast forward even further, to the point where he’s found dead of an overdose in a shabby motel in West Hollywood (or a trailer park in Tuscaloosa, I can’t decide which is more likely), surrounded by Filipino hookers and possibly Cato Kaelin.

Comments

  1. #1 kemibe
    August 25, 2006

    “…he has what John Wayne had” (sadly, she wasn’t talking about cancer)…”

    I get warm fuzzies whenever I meet a jovial misanthrope after my own blackened yet affable heart.

  2. #2 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    August 25, 2006

    Ed, that’s not nice. Very insulting to Cato.

  3. #3 llDayo
    August 25, 2006

    (I haven’t watched the video yet)
    I remember first seeing commercials for the KCA where they say K-Fed would be performing. I just sat there with a blank stare (much blanker than usual when watching TV) and was in utter disbelief. I had to ask my wife if she heard the same thing, which unfortunately she did. This just seemed utterably horrible and, to me, shows the seemingly endless line of talentless shmucks that the music industry will prop up for a few minutes just to make some easy money by cashing in on name recognition (think Ashley Simpson). Is this what I have to look forward to when my two (and probably a third someday) kids get into their pre/early teens?

    As interested as I was in watching that circus sideshow perform just to get a laugh and good cry I wasn’t willing to participate in giving better ratings. I figured it’d be on the web within a couple of days and I’d watch it then. Looks like I can do so now. I’ll keep my vomit bag handy and my noose under lockdown (just to avoid any sudden psychotic episodes).

  4. #4 Jim Anderson
    August 25, 2006

    Does this make Britney Spears the Charles Foster Kane of pop music?

  5. #5 Matthew
    August 25, 2006

    He didn’t even have to sense to have long choruses to make up for his poor vocabularly and lack of rhythm. Or even the sense to bring in a has-been rapper just looking for a quick paycheck.

    I think this ranks up there with Kelly Osbourne’s album as the biggest laugh out loud music moment of the decade.

  6. #6 Reed A. Cartwright
    August 25, 2006

    You should check out Citizen Spears on the Robot Chicken DVD.

  7. #7 llDayo
    August 25, 2006

    Alright, I just watched it.

    O

    M

    G

    At least Vanilla Ice could hold a beat! This guy literally puts the rap in crap but adds his own oozing, diahreal signatures! Did he actually call himself a superstar during the rap? And can he even SPELL Fed-eration?

    I was sick earlier this week. I’m about to have a relapse. Excuse me…

  8. #8 Stogoe
    August 25, 2006

    Reed, is that on Season 1? I don’t remember that sketch. I do remember the Joey Fat One with her and the other bad pop ‘queens’ going all power rangers. That was pretty bad, too.

  9. #9 John Lynch
    August 25, 2006

    I’m speechless. That’s probably the worst thing I’ve seen in a long time. Ed’s riff made me laugh outloud though.

    > “This guy is about as Jamaican as Truman Capote”

    Comedy gold, that is.

  10. #10 Reed A. Cartwright
    August 25, 2006

    Stogoe, it’s a cut sketch from season one, and is included as an extra on the Season 1 DVDs.

  11. #11 mark
    August 25, 2006

    “At the wedding, they should have been pronounced host and parasite rather than husband and wife.” thanks Ed, that was a good one.

    I’ve never heard ‘KFed’ sing, and I think I’ll keep it that way.

  12. #12 386sx
    August 25, 2006

    I didn’t think it was so bad. Sure, no one will ever match the brilliance that REO Speedwagon reached back in the mid 80′s, and yeah, it didn’t help that the K-Dude’s p’s were popping, but come on cut the K-Man some slack, G.

  13. #13 386sx
    August 25, 2006

    Via the Drudge Report: Elton John vows to make hip hop record.

  14. #14 Soren Kongstad
    August 26, 2006

    Just a note. We can all agree on disliking the Spears, but I got my shackles a little raised by your post, in the sense that you seem to imply that it is wrong for a man to marry someone with more money or fame.

    Kevin can take care of his family in more ways than bringing home the dough, and who cares who bought the car, that doesn’t matter at all!

  15. #15 Jim Lippard
    August 26, 2006

    From one sound clip I heard on the radio, I’d say Federline is more intelligent than Spears. She was asking him about whether he thought time travel was possible (or, as she put it, “time track travel speed”), and he said no. She said that she thought we are being visited by time travelers from the future. (Ah, YouTube has this nonsense here, starting at 2:30.)

  16. #16 Ed Brayton
    August 26, 2006

    Just a note. We can all agree on disliking the Spears, but I got my shackles a little raised by your post, in the sense that you seem to imply that it is wrong for a man to marry someone with more money or fame.

    No, you miss my point completely. There’s nothing wrong with a man marrying a woman with more money or fame. But if the fact that your wife is famous is the only reason anyone outside your immediate family even knows of your existence – and that is clearly true in this case – then you make quite a buffoon out of yourself by publicly rapping about how you’re a superstar and you’ve got all the bling.

  17. #17 Stogoe
    August 27, 2006

    I look forward to the exploits of Sean Preston and Brae-lina Monckus Spears in the next 20 years.

  18. #18 Soren Kongstad
    August 28, 2006

    Perhaps I would have been more on point if I had watched the video to the end, but I cut of only about 20 seconds into his performance.

  19. #19 Julie Stahlhut
    August 28, 2006

    Yikes.

    I’m not exactly knowledgeable about hip hop, but isn’t it, like, really important to be able to keep a beat while rhyming?

    I guess the dancer was there for distraction. Poor guy (the dancer, I mean). Someone with that level of athleticism deserves better. As for Britney’s gum: She has the look I always associated with students in my classroom who couldn’t care less. Maybe she just has to look at K-Fed the way G. Gordon Liddy regarded the candle flame. “The trick is not minding.”

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