Dispatches from the Creation Wars

Avoid the Christmas Whining Rush

People complain about the stores putting on Christmas music too early, but now we can complain about the bitching and complaining starting early. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first idiotic whining about the “war on Christmas” for the year. Naturally, it comes from the American Family Association and is reported by Agape Press. They’re upset that Sam’s Club’s in-house magazine carries a full line of Christmas cards and other items, along with cards and items more appropriate for other holidays at that time, but they call it the “holiday” line:

“Last week the first Christmas ad came out, and that was for Sam’s Club, owned by the Wal-Mart Stores Corporation,” the AFA spokesman explains. “The ad is clearly meant to promote Christmas decorations and Christmas tree items,” he says, “but Sam’s Club refuses to refer to Christmas as Christmas. They simply use the generic term holiday.”

Ohmigod! That’s so important! is it too early in the season to call these people mouth-breathing, braindead, double-barrelled morons? I don’t think so. It’s going to be a long season of listening to O’Reilly and his merry band of idiot followers whine about the fact that retailers might actually have customers who aren’t Christians and might want to market to them too. I think we need to declare war on stupidity. I swear, if I have to put up with another season of that crap I’m gonna snap and end up screaming “Happy Kwanzaa” to some idiot while stabbing them in the head with a menorah.


  1. #1 Dean Kimball
    August 26, 2006

    Please, just make your idiot victim Bill O’Reilly

  2. #2 Miriam
    August 26, 2006

    Stabbing someone with a menorah is a little difficult, unless you’ve got one with a Star of David at the top; I’d suggest just using it as a blunt object.

  3. #3 Ed Brayton
    August 26, 2006

    Exactly right, hon. Whether someone wishes me a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday, or for that matter Happy Hannukah or Joyous Kwanzaa, what matters is that they are wishing you happiness. How selfish and petty do you have to be to demand that they do so only in the manner that you approve of? And how much more ridiculous do you have to be to try and start a national controversy over it and demand that, even though there are several holidays celebrated by different people around the same time, everyone must state their good wishes only in reference to yours and no one else’s? These people are beyond absurd, just simpleminded morons stirred up by the demagoguery of frauds like Bill O’Reilly.

  4. #4 kate
    August 26, 2006

    I am constantly asking the people who are convinced that “Happy Holidays” is an insult whether they feel that Christmas is a holy day. The blank looks I get in return are priceless… it’s like they can’t disect such a simple word into it’s component parts and find the meaning…

    Most annoying to me is that it’s the C&E christians (little ‘c’ deliberate) who have the most issue with what you say to people in December.

  5. #5 SkookumPlanet
    August 26, 2006

    How about —

    Only XX days until the War on Christmas begins.

    or —
    Only XX whining days left until Christmas.

    or —

    Only XX whining days left until The Holidays.

    Someone in the blogosphere should take on a project like this.

  6. #6 Gerry L
    August 26, 2006

    It’s early yet. Most won’t get into the “war on christmas” whining until after halloween.

    I would like to suggest we band together and declare a WAR ON HYPOCRISY. I’m sure Ed and others here could come up with a solid list of hypocritical positions held by these folks that we could begin pounding them on. For starters, how about the culture of life warriors who demand the death penalty … or call for the assasination of foreign heads of state?

  7. #7 Stogoe
    August 26, 2006

    Here I am, upset about there being Halloween candy in stores already, and they’re restarting the War on Non-Christians?

    Damn them. Damn them to non-existence. No Rapture for you, buckos, just a painful and debilitating end with nothing after.

  8. #8 Skemono
    August 27, 2006

    Last week or so I was at a Cracker Barrel, and the front of “country store” waiting area was divided into three sections: Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. One on the right, one in the middle, one on the left.

    I have to wonder if they just keep them up all year long nowadays.

  9. #9 Beaming Visionary
    August 27, 2006

    Ed, dammit, get it through your head: THE U.S. IS A CHRISTIAN NATION. If you don’t believe this it’s because you haven’t repeated it loudly and often enough.
    And how do I know? Because it says right here at STACLU in the very first sentence. The poist even quotes the Mayflower Compact; case closed (other, later, more relevant and legally compelling pieces of legislation don’t matter).

    The comments are gold in their own nutbally way, although I doubt the sanest one, wriiten by one “Exposer of Morons,” will last long.

  10. #10 Jim S
    August 27, 2006

    It of course also never enters their minds that I might be wishing someone happy holidays because Christmas is followed in a week by New Years Day. Can you say plural of holiday?

  11. #11 Stogoe
    August 27, 2006

    Is the plural of holiday ‘Christmas’?

  12. #12 Melody
    August 27, 2006

    Wait until this kind of commentary by the nutjobs is coupled with Wal-Mart’s recent alliance with National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. Hell in handbasket, I tell ya. Where is one to shop now?!

  13. #13 pablo
    August 27, 2006

    You forgot knuckle-dragging.

  14. #14 kehrsam
    August 27, 2006

    Why make a big deal now? Everyone should wish me a jolly “Merry Christmas” every day of the year.

    And what’s with Labor Day? I guarrantee you that if anyone evens notices the holiday, they’ll say a bland “Happy Holiday,” not “Blessings to you and yours on this happy tide of Blessed Labor, as cursed by God in Gen 3:19.”

  15. #15 Will
    August 28, 2006

    Why do people like Bill O’Reilly have to go and ruin Christmas for everyone?

  16. #16 stogoe
    August 28, 2006

    Because if they refuse to be happy, everyone else isn’t allowed to be happy, either.

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