Ed Brayton is a journalist, commentator and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
The Worldnutdaily must have realized that they're not providing me with quite enough entertainment lately. They've now added Chuck Norris as a regular columnist. This should be good. His first column is highly amusing. He addresses the growing popularity of various lists of Chuck Norris facts around the internet (President Bush found it on the google). He seems to entirely miss the point:
There are more than 50,000 jokes making their way around the Internet that purport to be "facts" all playing off my movie roles as a "tough guy" and my history as a martial arts champion. But they aren't "jokes" to those who spread them - they're "facts."
No Chuck, they're jokes. And the point of those jokes is that you, in fact, are a joke. And the punchline is that you think this is flattering:
Again, I'm flattered and amazed by the way I've become a fascinating public figure for a whole new generation of young people around the world.
Chuck, I don't know how to break this to you, but....you're being made fun of. You shouldn't be flattered by this; you're being mocked. And it's statements like this that explain why you're being mocked:
Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents.
Wow, Chuck, you've almost got me convinced with devestating arguments like "it's not real". Still, if you don't mind, I'm going to wait until I hear the well-informed opnions of Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagall before I make up my mind.
Comments
'And then God said "Let there be light!", and Chuck Norris did reply, "Say please".'
'Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.'
'Chuck Norris sleeps with a night-light, not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.'
Some of those are hilarious. Even more hilarious is the fact Chuck doesn't seem to understand why they're so funny.
But you gotta admit, "In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live.", is closer to a scientific theory than anything the Discovery Institute has offered us.
Posted by: Dave S. | October 26, 2006 9:48 AM
What amazes me is that, over the thirty odd years of his movie and television career, Chuck has managed to never once use a facial expression. Then again maybe Bruce Lee paralyzed Chuck's facial nerves early on with a Kung Fu move known as "The Botox". George "Walker Texas Rangers" Bush is Chuck Norris- without the testicles.
Posted by: raindogzilla | October 26, 2006 10:08 AM
I prefer Chuck Norris facts retold as Jack Bauer facts, anyway.
"Jack Bauer can slam a revolving door."
"Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves."
I love the internet.
Posted by: eric | October 26, 2006 10:22 AM
You're waiting to hear from Steven Segal? Beneath all those martial arts moves, he's a wussy peacenik socialist quoting Eastern mystics and fighting for heathen Indians who want to destroy our economy -- he can't possibly count!
Posted by: Raging Bee | October 26, 2006 10:31 AM
I hear that Chuck possesses Real Ultimate Power.
So don't mess with him. He might just flip.
Posted by: Markus | October 26, 2006 10:45 AM
I'll never be able to see Chuck Norris films again without thinking of Ricky Bobby's sons, Walker and Texas Ranger.
Posted by: RickD | October 26, 2006 10:56 AM
To be honest, I'd like to see all Chuck Norris facts retold as Uma Thurman facts.
Posted by: Blake Stacey | October 26, 2006 11:22 AM
to Blake: Having seen some of the more R-rated Chuck Norris facts, I know that would totally bring the hot.
Posted by: Glenn | October 26, 2006 12:01 PM
To be fair, the mockery in Chuck Norris jokes is pretty lightweight. He's about as mocked by "Chuck Norris facts" as pop artists are mocked by Weird Al Yankovic. It's more a tongue-in-cheek needling than serious insult. I can see why he might be flattered.
Posted by: J. J. Ramsey | October 26, 2006 8:47 PM
I don't think so, JJ. I think Norris is being ridiculed. I know that's why I laugh at the jokes. He's a terrible actor who has made nothing but terrible movies, all playing on the same ridiculous macho character (a character that, evidently, can't even show basic facial expressions). On top of that, he appears to be dumber than a box of hammers.
Posted by: Ed Brayton | October 26, 2006 8:52 PM
Ed,
Quite right. The jokes are ridicule plane and simple and beyond that the jokes are directed not just to Chuck Norris, but to fans of his movies and fans of Walker, Texas Ranger. Chuck Norris is the Ed Wood of action stars...that's what makes him so open to ridicule. However it is also what makes him endearing.
Posted by: Russell Claus | October 26, 2006 10:36 PM
Eh, when I laugh at Chuck Norris facts (or at Vin Diesel, Mr. T, or Jack Bauer facts), I'm not mocking them. They're funny because they're so ridiculously over the top - the actual subject isn't that important.
For example, my favorite Vin Diesel fact is "Vin Diesel is one of only 6 people in history who can divide by zero." It's funny because it doesn't make sense, not because of some quality of Vin Diesel. He's just a guy who beats people up.
Posted by: Xanthir, FCD | September 17, 2007 11:12 AM