Pretending to Be Straight, Good; Masturbation, Bad : Dispatches from the Culture Wars

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Ed Brayton is a journalist, commentator and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of Michigan Citizens for Science and co-founder of The Panda's Thumb. He has written for such publications as The Bard, Skeptic and Reports of the National Center for Science Education, spoken in front of many organizations and conferences, and appeared on nationally syndicated radio shows and on C-SPAN. Ed is also a Fellow with the Center for Independent Media and the host of Declaring Independence, a one hour weekly political talk show on WPRR in Grand Rapids, Michigan.(static)

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Pretending to Be Straight, Good; Masturbation, Bad

Posted on: January 5, 2007 9:09 AM, by Ed Brayton

House Blend has a great post that links to a conference put on last year by Exodus International, the folks who claim people can be "cured" of being gay. Turns out that being gay isn't the only bad thing; masturbation is also eeeeevil. In breakout sessions with titles like "Finding Freedom from Masturbation", you too could find out why you just can't keep your hands off yourself. Look, if God didn't want us to masturbate he would have given us shorter arms.

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Comments

Exactly right. Look what happened when Noah caught those T. Rexes masturbating aboard the Ark. Poof! Stubby little arms.

Posted by: Dwimr | January 5, 2007 9:51 AM

Dwimr beat me to the T Rex joke.

Posted by: Matthew | January 5, 2007 10:17 AM

I know that before the fall no animal ate meat... but I guess no animal beat meat either...

Posted by: Robert | January 5, 2007 11:04 AM

Do I smell a youtube video demonstrating how the hand is designed to fit around the male organ?

Posted by: Boo | January 5, 2007 11:26 AM

You're wrong, Robert. Only the Catholic animals were not allowed to beateth their meateths.

Posted by: Dwimr | January 5, 2007 11:36 AM

Hmmm. So, when monkeys masturbate, do they go to monkey hell?

Posted by: puzzled | January 5, 2007 11:42 AM

Hmmm. So, when monkeys masturbate, do they go to monkey hell?

Where they are spanked for eternity?

Posted by: kehrsam | January 5, 2007 11:52 AM

Boo wrote:

Do I smell a youtube video demonstrating how the hand is designed to fit around the male organ?

Ha! Kirk Cameron to the white courtesy phone, please.

Posted by: Ed Brayton | January 5, 2007 12:08 PM

Hey, this looks like a great traditionally male-dominated subject for a bacteriette to invade! ;-)

News flash: women don't even need hands. All we have to do is think. So what's Kirk's smarty-pants (pun intended) answer to that?

Posted by: Kristine | January 5, 2007 1:54 PM

Kristine - Kirk is looking for the answer in his Bible as we speak. He wants to know if there is a fold-out?

Posted by: J-Dog | January 5, 2007 2:22 PM

Okay, this thread really had me laughing. Thankyou one and all.

And I can vouch for Kristine's comment. Had a girlfriend once who could do just that. That's when I realized men really got the raw...er, bad deal when it comes...er, in regards to teh O.

Posted by: Spirula | January 5, 2007 3:00 PM

Where they are spanked for eternity?

Is that monkey Hell, or monkey Heaven? Damn, this sex stuff is getting confusing...

Posted by: Raging Bee | January 5, 2007 3:20 PM

Fortunately, intellectual masturbation appears to be okay, or there goes Exodus International.

Posted by: Sastra | January 5, 2007 5:08 PM

Cue "I touch myself" from Divinyls.

Posted by: Greco | January 5, 2007 6:16 PM

J-Dog: "Kirk is looking for the answer in his Bible as we speak. He wants to know if there is a fold-out?"

Maybe it's in the Song of Solomon somewhere.

Posted by: J. J. Ramsey | January 5, 2007 7:02 PM

From the conference schedule:

"Homosexuality is NOT Your Problem
Your problem is that you don't really know what your problem is. What you think is your problem is merely a symptom of your real problem. Come and discover what your problem really is and the Ultimate Solution!"

From Monty Python:

"I'm sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!"

Coincidence?

Posted by: twincats | January 5, 2007 10:43 PM

I'm reminded of a Green Day lyric: "When masturbation's lost its fun you're f***ing lazy". By that reasoning I'm amazed these people could put together a conference -- or even go through the trouble of getting out of bed in the morning. Of course, if you're not going to do the deed, you might as well get out of bed.

Posted by: ericnh | January 6, 2007 9:44 AM

You know, I think that video might actually be a good idea... would be especially funny if of the two guys on stage, one was average length and the other one was hung like a horse. Watching it would be worth it just on the regular-sized guy's reactions alone.

Posted by: Brian X | January 8, 2007 2:18 AM