Dispatches from the Creation Wars

God Loves Me

Oh yes He does. Alan Keyes has announced that he will run for president and he’ll be in the “Values Voters” debate. What values are those? The values to disown your teenage daughter when you find out she’s gay. The values to claim that when someone else leaves their home state and moves to another state to run for office that is nothing less than the “destruction of federalism”, but if he does it then that’s totally different (and in a sense he’s right – at least Clinton actually moved to New York; Keyes just rented a crappy apartment during the campaign). God1 clearly loves me. Here’s some of what Alan had to say about his candidacy:

As a result, Keyes said, “We’re putting together an effort that’s not going to be like anything before, because it’s going to be entirely based on citizen action. We’re going to be challenging people to take a pledge for America’s revival,” and elevate them from spectators in the political arena to participants.

What can I say? He had me at hello. I hereby pledge to report every stupid, counter-factual or crazy thing Keyes says during the campaign until he inevitably withdraws due to lack of funds and single-digit polling numbers. Keyes is like the Jerry Quarry of electoral politics (is there anyone here who gets that reference?); his job is to look like a credible opponent prior to getting beaten like an ugly stepchild. If I should die before completing that duty, I ask that Jon Rowe continue my important work.

1 That God is Bacchus, by the way. If you have to have a deity, you might as well choose one whose commandments include “Thou shalt pair a nice Napa Valley Cabernet with your ribeye steak.”