Dispatches from the Creation Wars

How to Avoid Advancing the Gay Agenda

The Human Rights Campaign has released its latest Corporate Equality Index and it shows a record 195 companies receiving a perfect score of 100, up from 138 companies last year and only 13 in 2002, the first year they published the Index. Corporate America is clearly way ahead of the government in recognize the equal value of gay and straight employees and the equal need to recruit and retain top talent.

This is quite a problem for groups like the American Family Association, who have made quite a public scene with their attempts to boycott Ford because they – gasp! – advertise their cars in gay magazines and – double gasp! – have a policy of not firing gay people just for being gay. But since there are now nearly 200 major corporations that, like Ford, score a perfect 100 for their gay-friendly policies, how does a bigot avoid unwittingly supporting one of them and thus help advance the “radical gay agenda”? You’ve come to the right place for advice.

You can’t fly on American Airlines or US Airways, both of which scored a perfect 100. You might also want to avoid United, Southwest, Delta, Northwest, Continental and JetBlue; all scored above 80. Who can you fly? Well, you could try Nepal Airlines, the faith-based airline that sacrifices goats to appease God. On second thought, that won’t work either. Nepal Airlines has two planes, both of them made by Boeing; Boeing got a perfect 100 too. Go Greyhound!

In fact, you might want to start boycotting the military too. Most of the major defense contractors scored very well. Honeywell, Raytheon and Northrop Grumman all scored a perfect 100. Lockheed got an 85. Who would have guessed that our good ol’ red-blooded and (presumably) straight American fighting men are using weapons that advance the gay agenda? If they don’t ask, we won’t tell.

Shopping could be a problem too. You can’t shop at Abercrombie and Fitch, The Gap, JC Penney’s, Macy’s, or Nordstroms. Can’t wear Levis jeans or Nike shoes. And even that staple of middle American fashion, LL Bean, scored a 79. Ah well, there’s always K-Mart. And in a pinch, you can always wear a plain white sheet.

Then again, it’s going to be difficult to get to the mall anyway since cars are pretty much out entirely. Ford, General Motors, Chrysler, Toyota, Subaru and Volkswagon all scored a perfect 100. You could try Volvo, but that’s a Swedish company and you know how those morally bankrupt Scandinavians like to treat gay people like human beings. It may be horse and buggy time.

Finances are gonna be damn near impossible. Want to find a hetero-normative mortgage? Good luck. Bank of America, Citigroup, Countrywide, JP Morgan Chase, Fannie Mae, Indy Mac, Washington Mutual and Wells Fargo all scored 100. Need a morally upstanding credit card? Avoid American Express, Mastercard and Visa; all got perfect scores. Can’t do Discover either, since they’re owned by Morgan Stanley and damn if they didn’t get a 100 as well.

Banking in general is gonna be a real problem for the Righteous, and you might as well give up on any thought of investing your money or saving for retirement. Bank of America, Bear Stearns, Capital One Financial, Charles Schwab, Deutsche Bank, Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, Wachovia – all get perfect scores on the Sodomy Scale. I guess that leaves the old coffee can under the bed, but you’ll have to make sure it isn’t Maxwell House or Gevalia; they’re both owned by Kraft Foods which, you guessed it, got a perfect score too.

Speaking of which, eating and drinking could be a bit difficult as well. No Coke or Pepsi, they both got 100. Nothing from Kraft or General Mills, which wipes out about half the products in the supermarket. No Budweiser. For crying out loud, even Coors, typically a friend to conservatives, has been corrupted by the forces of buggery and scores a perfect 100. And even that old American standy, Campbell Soups, got a 95.

Ironically, you can safely eat Heinz 57 sauce; despite being associated with a certain gay-loving Massachusetts liberal, they only scored a 46. It doesn’t look like you’ll have much to put it on though; perhaps it will go well with the manna from the sky you’ll be relying on in your quest to take a stand for decency in America.

It’s probably a good thing that most of you believe in faith healing too, because getting health insurance without supporting those godless sodomites may prove impossible. AAA, Hartford, Metlife, Prudential, ING and Nationwide are all perfect 100s. Even the obviously misnamed American Family Insurance Group scores over 100. Don’t they know that you can’t use the word “family” unless you’re anti-gay?

Even if you did have health insurance, your doctor couldn’t prescribe you any medication made by Eli Lilly, Bristol Myers Squibb, GlaxoSmithKline, Johnson and Johnson, Merck or Pfizer. Don’t worry, I’m sure that rash will clear up soon. And if it doesn’t, take solace in the fact that you’re doing the right thing. Wear it like a badge of honor for your brave and virtuous stand against immorality and equality.