Ed Brayton is a journalist, commentator and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
The Human Rights Campaign has released its latest Corporate Equality Index and it shows a record 195 companies receiving a perfect score of 100, up from 138 companies last year and only 13 in 2002, the first year they published the Index. Corporate America is clearly way ahead of the government in recognize the equal value of gay and straight employees and the equal need to recruit and retain top talent.
This is quite a problem for groups like the American Family Association, who have made quite a public scene with their attempts to boycott Ford because they - gasp! - advertise their cars in gay magazines and - double gasp! - have a policy of not firing gay people just for being gay. But since there are now nearly 200 major corporations that, like Ford, score a perfect 100 for their gay-friendly policies, how does a bigot avoid unwittingly supporting one of them and thus help advance the "radical gay agenda"? You've come to the right place for advice.
You can't fly on American Airlines or US Airways, both of which scored a perfect 100. You might also want to avoid United, Southwest, Delta, Northwest, Continental and JetBlue; all scored above 80. Who can you fly? Well, you could try Nepal Airlines, the faith-based airline that sacrifices goats to appease God. On second thought, that won't work either. Nepal Airlines has two planes, both of them made by Boeing; Boeing got a perfect 100 too. Go Greyhound!
In fact, you might want to start boycotting the military too. Most of the major defense contractors scored very well. Honeywell, Raytheon and Northrop Grumman all scored a perfect 100. Lockheed got an 85. Who would have guessed that our good ol' red-blooded and (presumably) straight American fighting men are using weapons that advance the gay agenda? If they don't ask, we won't tell.
Shopping could be a problem too. You can't shop at Abercrombie and Fitch, The Gap, JC Penney's, Macy's, or Nordstroms. Can't wear Levis jeans or Nike shoes. And even that staple of middle American fashion, LL Bean, scored a 79. Ah well, there's always K-Mart. And in a pinch, you can always wear a plain white sheet.
Then again, it's going to be difficult to get to the mall anyway since cars are pretty much out entirely. Ford, General Motors, Chrysler, Toyota, Subaru and Volkswagon all scored a perfect 100. You could try Volvo, but that's a Swedish company and you know how those morally bankrupt Scandinavians like to treat gay people like human beings. It may be horse and buggy time.
Finances are gonna be damn near impossible. Want to find a hetero-normative mortgage? Good luck. Bank of America, Citigroup, Countrywide, JP Morgan Chase, Fannie Mae, Indy Mac, Washington Mutual and Wells Fargo all scored 100. Need a morally upstanding credit card? Avoid American Express, Mastercard and Visa; all got perfect scores. Can't do Discover either, since they're owned by Morgan Stanley and damn if they didn't get a 100 as well.
Banking in general is gonna be a real problem for the Righteous, and you might as well give up on any thought of investing your money or saving for retirement. Bank of America, Bear Stearns, Capital One Financial, Charles Schwab, Deutsche Bank, Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, Wachovia - all get perfect scores on the Sodomy Scale. I guess that leaves the old coffee can under the bed, but you'll have to make sure it isn't Maxwell House or Gevalia; they're both owned by Kraft Foods which, you guessed it, got a perfect score too.
Speaking of which, eating and drinking could be a bit difficult as well. No Coke or Pepsi, they both got 100. Nothing from Kraft or General Mills, which wipes out about half the products in the supermarket. No Budweiser. For crying out loud, even Coors, typically a friend to conservatives, has been corrupted by the forces of buggery and scores a perfect 100. And even that old American standy, Campbell Soups, got a 95.
Ironically, you can safely eat Heinz 57 sauce; despite being associated with a certain gay-loving Massachusetts liberal, they only scored a 46. It doesn't look like you'll have much to put it on though; perhaps it will go well with the manna from the sky you'll be relying on in your quest to take a stand for decency in America.
It's probably a good thing that most of you believe in faith healing too, because getting health insurance without supporting those godless sodomites may prove impossible. AAA, Hartford, Metlife, Prudential, ING and Nationwide are all perfect 100s. Even the obviously misnamed American Family Insurance Group scores over 100. Don't they know that you can't use the word "family" unless you're anti-gay?
Even if you did have health insurance, your doctor couldn't prescribe you any medication made by Eli Lilly, Bristol Myers Squibb, GlaxoSmithKline, Johnson and Johnson, Merck or Pfizer. Don't worry, I'm sure that rash will clear up soon. And if it doesn't, take solace in the fact that you're doing the right thing. Wear it like a badge of honor for your brave and virtuous stand against immorality and equality.
Comments
Brilliant.
Posted by: Dan | September 18, 2007 9:35 AM
And in a pinch, you can always wear a plain white sheet.
Perfetto!
Posted by: MAJeff | September 18, 2007 9:40 AM
That was great!! I really needed a good laugh this morning.
Posted by: Engr Tony | September 18, 2007 10:05 AM
Galt's Gulch is about to have an infusion of wingnuts. Assuming they don't mind all the sex.
Posted by: kehrsam | September 18, 2007 10:16 AM
I'd say this is one of your best postings ever! Huzzah!
Posted by: llDayo | September 18, 2007 10:17 AM
It's not just weapons. The religious extremists can't use satellites including GPS and communications satellites either. Note to zealots: can you please stop using "pro-gay" satellites to broadcast the 700 club and your other propaganda? You're being hypocritical.
Posted by: Salad Is Slaughter | September 18, 2007 10:29 AM
Kehrsam - I don't think they'd get along with John, either. He and Dagny are pretty clearly straight, but they'd HIRE anybody who could help them produce.
Posted by: BobApril | September 18, 2007 10:32 AM
They also can't send e-mail. The bulk of which is managed by "sendmail" which is written by Eric Allman who has been happily partnered for over 20 years.
"There is some sort of perverse pleasure in knowing that it's basically impossible to send a piece of hate mail through the Internet without its being touched by a gay program. That's kind of funny." --Eric Allman
Posted by: yoshi | September 18, 2007 10:41 AM
Greyhound is owned by the British company First Group plc. Can't imagine them foreigners are sufficiently anti-gay.
Posted by: Dave S. | September 18, 2007 10:58 AM
"There is some sort of perverse pleasure in knowing that it's basically impossible to send a piece of hate mail through the Internet without its being touched by a gay program. That's kind of funny." --Eric Allman
That's not 'kinda funny' - it's ROFLMAO hilarious.
Posted by: NoAstronomer | September 18, 2007 11:39 AM
Don't forget that Ford owns Volvo - right now, at least.
fusilier
James 2:24
Posted by: fusilier | September 18, 2007 12:30 PM
That won't work either, K-Mart is part of Sears Holdings Corp., who scored a perfect 100. Looks like it's white sheets only for all the bigots.
Posted by: Paul Hutchinson | September 18, 2007 1:30 PM
Thank God for Wal-Mart!!
Posted by: Dave S. | September 18, 2007 1:36 PM
Forget using a computer or the Internet. Intel (8 years), Apple (8 years), Cisco, IBM, Lucent, Dell, HP, Xerox, Sun, Microsoft all have 100%. Google and Yahoo are there, so they'd better start an anti-gay portal. Heck, you can't even read that list because it's a PDF and Adobe is on the list.
Sounds like living in a cave, wearing animal skins and grubbing in the ground with sticks is all that's left. Of course, that rabbit loincloth is pretty risque...
Posted by: ArtK | September 18, 2007 1:37 PM
I think they forgot that when they send out all of these messages, they're using the intarwebs created by Al Gore...
Posted by: Rizados | September 18, 2007 1:52 PM
Greyhound smacks of bestiality! See, Falwell warned you what Teh Gay could lead to.....
Posted by: Coragyps | September 18, 2007 2:20 PM
This whole thread is great! Thanks, Ed, for a fun (and informative) read.
Posted by: MTran | September 18, 2007 3:37 PM
Posted by: Alex J. Hammel | September 18, 2007 3:40 PM
Funny as crap - thanks... I needed that given today's other news here in MD. Peace.
Posted by: Andy | September 18, 2007 3:59 PM
Someone please digg this.
Posted by: frankj | September 18, 2007 4:04 PM
Just so the nutters are clear, they can't shop at Old Navy, Banana Republic or online at Piperlime. They're all part of the Gap Inc. family. That's gonna suck next Fourth of July when they want to buy a $5 Flag tee from Old Navy.
Whoops!
Posted by: MightyLambchop | September 18, 2007 6:15 PM
Dave S-
Thank God for Wal-Mart!!
Rmm, they did only score a fourty, down from '06. But they hate baby Jesus, preferring those evil, Satanic "holidays." So no, they're still screwed.
Posted by: DuWayne | September 18, 2007 9:02 PM
I'm gay and won't shop at Banana Republic because the baby fag salespeople throw so much attitude. It's at those times I want to channel Edina Monsoon: "You only work in a shop, you know. You can drop the attitude."
Posted by: MAJeff | September 18, 2007 9:20 PM
MAJeff -
What, you don't like salespeople who act like it's you who are getting the privilege of buying something from them, rather than the other way around? I had the misfortune of having to go into a music store that was like that. It might have been made worse by the fact that I was coming from the tail end of a plumbing job, so I had spent most of the day crawling around a dirt floor crawl space and it showed. Never mind that I probably made in one day, what most of those assholes make in a week. But they were pretty damned smug with everyone, so it may not have been personal. I walked out and got her something else, somewhere else.
I just can't tolerate condescending assholes in service. I don't like people who are cranky, because their job sucks and they hate it, but I tolerate it (depending on where I am) because I can understand that. I don't really get the "kiss my ass, because I work in a store" mentality and find it simply repulsive. Apparently some people like to shop in such places, because a lot of higher end retail seems to gravitate towards hiring them.
Posted by: DuWayne | September 18, 2007 10:09 PM
Yeah, DuWayne. I used to work retail (cashier and customer service at Target) and hospitality (front desk at a Days Inn). Maybe it's just because I came from a rather rural area of Minnesota, but I was nice (yes it's a stereotype, but as a general rule Minnesotans are nice people). I'd also have been fired for flipping that much attitude. The only time I came close to it was when some woman threw the contents of her shopping cart at me because I couldn't accept her return/exchange without a receipt.
Posted by: MAJeff | September 18, 2007 10:17 PM
One of the arguments that the religious right likes in opposing the adding of "sexual orientation" to anti-discrimination laws is that the average gay or lesbian earns more money than the average straight person (I guess the implication being that, unlike heterosexuals, gays and lesbians would able to weather the lack of income coming in as a result of unwarranted firing from their place of employment due solely to their sexual orientation). I think a lot of companies hear this argument and decide that catering to the g and l community would be financially wise on their part, since this community (supposedly) has more money to spend than heterosexuals; in other words, what we have here is anti-gay rhetoric leading to pro-gay corporate policies.
Posted by: danielrotter | September 19, 2007 12:58 AM
Let me see: no cars, no air travel, no manufactured clothing, no internet, no modern military, no modern medicine.
So if you want to avoid "pro-gay" businesses you effectively have to live in the 19th century? Somehow that seems appropriate.
Posted by: James | September 19, 2007 1:34 AM
But there's still one company that won't dissapoint (the hate-mongers): Exxon mobile got a straight 0 points.
Posted by: Till | September 19, 2007 9:37 AM
"And in a pinch, you can always wear a plain white sheet."
Or sack cloth and ashes might be better, to demonstrate repentence for the harms they have done.
Posted by: Bill Ware | September 19, 2007 12:29 PM
Beyond brilliant, beyond awesome. BRAVO to you, sir.
Posted by: Theresa | September 19, 2007 5:25 PM
Dude, that was great! You were channeling your former stand-up comedy self.
Posted by: PhysioProf | September 21, 2007 7:46 PM
I occasionally receive solicitations from a company specializing in a "values sensitive" investment program. The Ave Maria Fund espouses a deeply conservative Catholic perspective and promptly divests itself of any stock in companies that "go gay." It must get more difficult for them every day, but I assume their clients are inured to the fact that the fund will eventually start losing money. But they can offer it up as penance! [Link]
Posted by: Zeno | September 23, 2007 12:51 PM
If you think about it, if all gays lost their jobs there would be no income taxes they would pay. Do you think that all these anti-gay idiots would want to make up the taxes the government is losing?
Posted by: Vickif | September 23, 2007 2:20 PM
You know, you can say what you will about capitalism and giant corporations (and oh, I do), but I've got to hand them this: the almighty dollar doesn't have time to be bigoted.
Posted by: jeffk | September 24, 2007 7:18 PM
w00t! excellence!
AFA = Acknowledge Failure, Already!
Posted by: condoleaser | September 25, 2007 9:00 AM
This article is made of win and awesome, thank you :)
Posted by: Thaily | September 25, 2007 3:06 PM