Dispatches from the Creation Wars

Daubenmire’s Moral Relativism

You all remember Coach Daubenmire, right? He’s the d-list religious righter who built his entire post-sports career on being told he couldn’t force the kids on his football team to pray. He loves to rant about moral relativism, which makes this column all the more amusing as he rants about gays being “deviants” and offering a clearly relativist definition. But he begins with this:

I’m not homo-phobic. I’m not homo-hateful. I’m not homo-latent. I’m homo-nauseous. I really couldn’t care less where a man desires to put his appendage.

But I’m sick of hearing about it. I’m sick of talking about it. I’m sick of it being force fed to me on TV.


There’s that notion of homosexuality being “forced” on them. In the next paragraph he uses the tried-and-silly “crammed down my throat” line. Seriously, is the anti-gay crowd haunted by constant nightmares of being forced to fellate someone? It’s the only explanation for this constant invocation of having things forced down their throat. Who, precisely, advocates forcing anyone to engage in gay sex?

In all of my life I have never seen such deviancy so openly celebrated. They are deviant, you know? No matter how many names they will try and call me, no matter how many “sensitivity” classes they try and send me to, no matter how much tolerance they try and cram down my throat (sorry), the fact remains homosexuals are deviant.

Deviant–One that differs from a norm, especially a person whose behavior and attitudes differ from accepted social standards.

Okay, Coach, let’s break this down into X’s and O’s that even a simpleminded dolt like you can understand. If a deviant is someone whose behavior differs from “accepted social standards”, that means that if those social standards change, so does the identity of the person being deviant. As society changes and people become more and more accepting of homosexuals, guess who becomes the deviant, Coach? That’s right, you do.

And here comes the preemptive self-pity:

I understand what I am opening up myself to. It happens every time I take on this subject. My emails will be flooded by those who are concerned that I must “secretly” be battling homo-feelings, that I need to “get-over” my homo-phobia, and that Jesus would not be so judgmental. And that is just from the Christians. You couldn’t stomach what the sodomites say about me. Hey, I’m used to it. It comes with the turf.

Awww, Coach, you almost had me shedding a tear. When you write stupid things, people tell you that you write stupid things. Oh, the humanity! I don’t know how you manage to survive such horrible oppression. Strike a (martyr) pose, there’s nothing to it.