Ed Brayton is a freelance writer and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
Police said an Ohio man has been arrested for allegedly having sex with a picnic table.Police arrested Arthur Price Jr. after an anonymous tipster dropped off three DVDs that reportedly showed Price in the act.
According to NBC Toledo, Ohio, affiliate WNWO-TV, the videos show Price tilting the metal round picnic table on its side and then laying up against it to have sexual intercourse with the table. Afterward, he can then be seen cleaning the table and the deck.
Hey, at least the guy cleaned up the table afterwards. I like this part:
During questioning, he reportedly admitted to having sex with the table. Police said he also admitted to bringing the table inside his home for sex.
Come on, I can't be the only one who was hoping the guy would say, "She wanted it. She's been teasing me for weeks." He was released on $20,000 bond and told to stay away from furniture.
Comments
The table was saying, "No," but he could tell it meant, "Yes." Plus, it really was the table's fault for dressing provocatively and showing so much leg. The table was not made available for comment.
Former Senator Santorum commented that he feels vindicated. Current Senator Craig commented that he approves of the table's stance. A Louis XIV commode at Elliot Spitzer's refused comment.
Posted by: kehrsam | April 7, 2008 9:45 AM
I'm not sure what disturbs me more. That this man enjoys sex with picnic tables, or that it happens so often that they actually have a law for it.
Arrested for lewd conduct or indecent exposure I could understand. But that's a pretty specific charge. I wonder if they have separate laws for other inanimate objects. Can you imagine being the legislative aide who had to enumerate all the things it's illegal to have sex with when drafting that bill.
Posted by: Abby Normal | April 7, 2008 9:52 AM
Please, won't someone think of the children's furniture?
Posted by: ShavenYak | April 7, 2008 9:54 AM
What disturbs me is that someone video taped him having sex with furniture. What scares me is that someone video taped him doing it three times!
Posted by: Donalbain | April 7, 2008 10:08 AM
"Police said an Ohio man has been arrested for allegedly having sex with a picnic table.
Police arrested Arthur Price Jr. after an anonymous tipster dropped off three DVDs that reportedly showed Price in the act."
Is anyone else wondering why someone filmed 3 DVDs of hot man-on-table action?
Posted by: Alex | April 7, 2008 10:09 AM
What does this have to do with gay marriage? The man was evidently not gay. (Nor, I presume, was the table.)
Posted by: Rod | April 7, 2008 10:09 AM
From what I've read about it elsewhere, it was taped 3 times because, when a neighbor first complained, the police said it would help them if the neighbor had tape of it.
No, there was no specific charge of "sex with a picnic table". He was charged under Ohio's public indecency law. He was also initially charged with a felony, because there was a school somewhere in the vicinity and he could have been seen by schoolchildren (there was no evidence that he was, though, and I don't know how far away the school was). (That's Subsection B of the statute.)
Posted by: Ahcuah | April 7, 2008 10:37 AM
Actually, it is not that much of a stretch wanting to back up that kind of charge. I suspect that our local police would find it difficult to keep a straight face, let alone take the charge seriously if I were to call and report that type of incident.
Posted by: vhurtig | April 7, 2008 10:46 AM
I always considered tables as places to have sex with a woman. I never considered having sex with the actual table, I guess it takes all types in this world. What a scary mental image this story paints.
Posted by: AFSGTSAM | April 7, 2008 10:47 AM
There you go again, with your heteronormative assumptions about patio furniture. Don't you realize how destructive this is to those fragile adolescent chaise lounges and umbrella tables struggling to establish a sexual identity amidst the sturm und drang of the middle school maelstrom????
* No metaphors were harmed in the making of this diatribe.
Posted by: xebecs | April 7, 2008 11:02 AM
"He was told to keep away from furniture" - lucky he lived in an unfurnished apartment. (However there is a totally hot bus shelter down the street with a bench that's just gagging for it).
Honestly, do you HAVE to be a moron to live in Ohio?-DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | April 7, 2008 11:35 AM
How does this tie into Gay Marriage ??
Well, have we determined the gender and orientation of the table ??
Was the encounter consentual ??
Did he propose to the table after his tryst ??
Dont be so quick to dismiss the premise of the article....
Sometimes ya just gotta laugh.
Posted by: AFSGTSAM | April 7, 2008 11:59 AM
No, but it helps.
(Ahcuah - living in a suburb of Columbus).
Posted by: Ahcuah | April 7, 2008 12:00 PM
DJ, why do you think they kept the name down to only 4 letters? And they still needed a mnemonic device to remember how to spell it, "round on the ends and high in the middle."
No offence intended to the intelligent Ohioans: John, Dwight, Bill, Amy and Ahcuah.
Posted by: Abby Normal | April 7, 2008 12:05 PM
AFSGTSAM - I think Ed is having a sly dig at the anti gay marriage brigade and their hysterical pronouncements that allowing gay sex leads to bestiality and child molestation. I would imagine he is quietly making a bet with himself that someone on the WND or somewhere like that will make a link between this story and gay marriage sooner or later.
And I wouldn't bet against him either, despite the fact that internet gambling is entirely legal here in the United Kingdom.
Posted by: Matthew | April 7, 2008 12:21 PM
Those of us in Ohio who aren't morons are just thankful for Florida for making us look good. :)
Posted by: Dexceus | April 7, 2008 12:40 PM
Did I miss something? What does this have to do with gay marriage?
Posted by: Ryan | April 7, 2008 12:53 PM
Apologies to those "Ohioians"* who have an IQ above 90. But I mean this guy (allegedly) had sex with an INAMINATE object in the privacy of his own backyard (and home), sheesh, whose business is it to police the MORALS of others?? I thought the Americans were anti-taliban -DJ
*not sure of the correct adjective, please feel free to correct me.
Posted by: DingoJack | April 7, 2008 1:25 PM
That would be the joke part of the post, Ryan.
And now I shall ruin the joke by explaining it: you commonly hear than gay marriage will inevitably lead to marriage of man and duck, man and minataur, etc. Ultimately, the gerat fear is that it will unleash a torrent of besitiality and publicly sanctioned furniture fucking the likes of which we have never seen before.
Etc. Frantic bible waving. Etc.
***
Abby: Shouldn't it be "Hi" in the middle? "High" would lead to people spelling it "Ohigho". Plus there's all the obvious drug jokes.
Posted by: Leni | April 7, 2008 1:29 PM
Bellevue Ohio is pretty small. so you would not have to go far to find a school . Bellevue also has a Nice train museum.
Posted by: Vic Vanity | April 7, 2008 1:29 PM
Well, at first the neon signs read: "XXX Girls! Girls! Girls!" Then was added: "XXX Boys! Boys! Boys!" Coming soon: "XXX Furniture! Furniture! Furniture!"
The bad part of town is about to get amusing. . . .
Posted by: ShadowWalkyr | April 7, 2008 1:32 PM
Posted by: James Hanley | April 7, 2008 1:49 PM
No "allegedly" about it. We got DVDs, which will inevitably end up on Youtube.
Would you want your kids to go outside to play, then see the old man next door screwing a table? "Privacy of his own backyard" is an oxymoron. Also, the article doesn't say whether or not it was his table.
Posted by: Brandon | April 7, 2008 1:51 PM
Maybe it was a multiplication table.
Maybe his mother used to tell him to lay the table before the guests arrived.
Posted by: grasshopper | April 7, 2008 2:16 PM
It's implied (or, at least, I inferred) that the table is his, given that he sometimes takes it indoors for a rendezvous (or maybe just to hose 'er down once in a while).
In most other cultures, this guy's indiosyncracit way of getting off would be politely tolerated because he's hurting NO ONE. What? A kid may see it? Big deal -- kids walk in on their parents, hear their parents, etc. They'll cope.
Posted by: Angela | April 7, 2008 2:39 PM
I'd love the police to do a line-up of some tables and ask the neighbour to identify the defendant's slutty little partner in crime.
Posted by: MH | April 7, 2008 2:52 PM
Never willing to take a story at face value, I did a little digging. I'm not sure this guy is entirely at fault. The picnic table in question is a Belson
Model CA46R-P. Note the hole in the center of the table, ostensibly intended for an umbrella.
However, going to the manufacturer's site I noticed something in the assembly instructions.
I don't know about you, but I'm getting kind of hot. Here's the real kicker though.
Well it's just too racy for me to quote more. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my bunk.
Posted by: Abby Normal | April 7, 2008 2:59 PM
I could stand to hear a little more.
Posted by: Jason I. | April 7, 2008 3:23 PM
Go play with your rainstick.
Posted by: Abby Normal | April 7, 2008 3:52 PM
Abby Normal,
Read me the French version of the instructions I bet it will sound a lot sexier.
Posted by: AFSGTSAM | April 7, 2008 4:24 PM
(Ok, last one, I swear.)
I like Vera better, personally.
Posted by: Jason I. | April 7, 2008 5:01 PM
Always good to see a fellow brown-coat. The folks who took that show off the air are going to a special Hell, reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theater.
Posted by: Abby Normal | April 7, 2008 5:17 PM
Abby: What about a hell for those who commit crimes against humanity - genocide, mass rape, organized starvation, manufacturing musical children's toys with no "off" switch, etc.?
Posted by: Azkyroth | April 7, 2008 5:46 PM
This reminds me of something I saw several years ago: FurniturePorn.com.
Unfortunately, the site is no longer active. But thank God for web archive.
FurniturePorn.com
Posted by: Dave | April 7, 2008 5:55 PM
Once I saw a large group of people in public park with a picnic table. They weren't having sex with it, though -- they were eating food off of it.
Perverts.
Posted by: HP | April 7, 2008 8:25 PM
I once heard of a woman having sex with a table. Not sure how a man would....oh god I can imagine what the splinters would feel like.
Posted by: Baratos | April 7, 2008 8:38 PM
When I read in the news about a man arrested for having sex with a bicycle. Shouldn't that be "attempting to have sex with a bicycle"? Or possibly "masturbating oneself with a bicycle"?
Posted by: Monado, FCD | April 7, 2008 9:45 PM
James - "a nut" LOL. Isn't Bellvue a mental hospital in NY?
Brandon - Are fences/hedges illegal in Ohio?
Grasshopper snatches pebble from Dingo's mouth.
Angela - Totally agree. Before the Victorian periods even the middle classes lived in cramped conditions. Seeing sex was not uncommon, even when outdoors - sort of sex ed al fresco.
I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.
HP - so if you ate off a naked lady in your backyard in Ohio THAT would be fine. Buckeyes indeed! -DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | April 7, 2008 11:39 PM
Has the Vatican announced the papal ruling on furniture sex yet? Are condoms permitted to protect against splinters?
Posted by: debbyo | April 7, 2008 11:48 PM
I'll ask him when he gets here. -DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | April 8, 2008 12:04 AM
Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Having a Woody."
Posted by: Ahcuah | April 8, 2008 1:04 AM
ShavenYak, that was the funniest comment I've read in weeks! Thanks!
Posted by: itchy | April 8, 2008 1:23 PM
Tough choice - but Grasshopper's "laying the table" made me LOL.
And woody (giggle).
How could I forget - A Louis XIV commode at Elliot Spitzer's refused comment.
This thread should be presented as evidence for the defense should anyone try to accuse atheists of humorlessness.
Try to imagine fundy jokes about this! Ok, I'll give at a shot.
A man was at the pearly gates when Peter said to him, "You cannot enter god's kingdom because you have fornicated with the devil in the form of a table." The man pleads that he did not know it was the devil. Ignorance is no excuse, bellows Peter, opening the book. It says right here in Corinthians (10:21):"... ye cannot be partakers of the Lord's table, and of the table of devils."
Posted by: debbyo | April 8, 2008 10:58 PM
Ah yes but if it were "Table has sex with man" THAT would be a story. -DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | April 9, 2008 12:21 AM