Ed Brayton is a journalist, commentator and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
And Ronald McDonald is going to rape your kids! Okay, that's a bit of hyperbole, but only a bit. The Worldnutdaily is throwing a fit because McDonald's has one of their executives on the board of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. That means they've "signed on to the gay agenda" (cue the creepy music here). No doubt a boycott will be coming soon. But as I wrote several months ago, it's damn near impossible to avoid the "gay agenda" these days. If someone wants to avoid supporting a company that supports gay rights, they're pretty much gonna have to stay in their house and eat home grown food and never go anywhere. Just look at the HRC's Corporate Equality Index, which lists 195 companies with perfect scores and hundreds more with very high scores in terms of their support for gay rights. I'll repost below the fold all the things one can't do if they want to avoid the dreaded "gay agenda."
You can't fly on American Airlines or US Airways, both of which scored a perfect 100. You might also want to avoid United, Southwest, Delta, Northwest, Continental and JetBlue; all scored above 80. Who can you fly? Well, you could try Nepal Airlines, the faith-based airline that sacrifices goats to appease God. On second thought, that won't work either. Nepal Airlines has two planes, both of them made by Boeing; Boeing got a perfect 100 too. Go Greyhound!
In fact, you might want to start boycotting the military too. Most of the major defense contractors scored very well. Honeywell, Raytheon and Northrop Grumman all scored a perfect 100. Lockheed got an 85. Who would have guessed that our good ol' red-blooded and (presumably) straight American fighting men are using weapons that advance the gay agenda? If they don't ask, we won't tell.
Shopping could be a problem too. You can't shop at Abercrombie and Fitch, The Gap, JC Penney's, Macy's, or Nordstroms. Can't wear Levis jeans or Nike shoes. And even that staple of middle American fashion, LL Bean, scored a 79. Ah well, there's always K-Mart. And in a pinch, you can always wear a plain white sheet.
Then again, it's going to be difficult to get to the mall anyway since cars are pretty much out entirely. Ford, General Motors, Chrysler, Toyota, Subaru and Volkswagon all scored a perfect 100. You could try Volvo, but that's a Swedish company and you know how those morally bankrupt Scandinavians like to treat gay people like human beings. It may be horse and buggy time.
Finances are gonna be damn near impossible. Want to find a hetero-normative mortgage? Good luck. Bank of America, Citigroup, Countrywide, JP Morgan Chase, Fannie Mae, Indy Mac, Washington Mutual and Wells Fargo all scored 100. Need a morally upstanding credit card? Avoid American Express, Mastercard and Visa; all got perfect scores. Can't do Discover either, since they're owned by Morgan Stanley and damn if they didn't get a 100 as well.
Banking in general is gonna be a real problem for the Righteous, and you might as well give up on any thought of investing your money or saving for retirement. Bank of America, Bear Stearns, Capital One Financial, Charles Schwab, Deutsche Bank, Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, Wachovia - all get perfect scores on the Sodomy Scale. I guess that leaves the old coffee can under the bed, but you'll have to make sure it isn't Maxwell House or Gevalia; they're both owned by Kraft Foods which, you guessed it, got a perfect score too.
Speaking of which, eating and drinking could be a bit difficult as well. No Coke or Pepsi, they both got 100. Nothing from Kraft or General Mills, which wipes out about half the products in the supermarket. No Budweiser. For crying out loud, even Coors, typically a friend to conservatives, has been corrupted by the forces of buggery and scores a perfect 100. And even that old American standy, Campbell Soups, got a 95.
Ironically, you can safely eat Heinz 57 sauce; despite being associated with a certain gay-loving Massachusetts liberal, they only scored a 46. It doesn't look like you'll have much to put it on though; perhaps it will go well with the manna from the sky you'll be relying on in your quest to take a stand for decency in America.
It's probably a good thing that most of you believe in faith healing too, because getting health insurance without supporting those godless sodomites may prove impossible. AAA, Hartford, Metlife, Prudential, ING and Nationwide are all perfect 100s. Even the obviously misnamed American Family Insurance Group scores over 100. Don't they know that you can't use the word "family" unless you're anti-gay?
Even if you did have health insurance, your doctor couldn't prescribe you any medication made by Eli Lilly, Bristol Myers Squibb, GlaxoSmithKline, Johnson and Johnson, Merck or Pfizer. Don't worry, I'm sure that rash will clear up soon. And if it doesn't, take solace in the fact that you're doing the right thing. Wear it like a badge of honor for your brave and virtuous stand against immorality and equality.
Comments
Considering that animals have shown homosexual behavior as well the horse and buggy option might not be available either.
Posted by: llDayo | April 1, 2008 9:59 AM
Perhaps you were thinking of something like this.
Posted by: DougT | April 1, 2008 10:09 AM
This is absolutely fabulous! (and not in that British drinking and drugging way) This line had me howling:
Thanks Ed. With all the doom and gloom reports from Religious Right it's easy to forget just how far America's attitudes have shifted. It warms my heart to see so many companies going above and beyond what's required by law. Increasingly rags like WND really are just sound and fury signifying nothing.
BTW, Mayor McCheese denies gay. He was just tapping his foot to a song he had stuck in his head in that bathroom. Grimace, on the other hand, is gay as a pocketbook full of rainbows.
Posted by: Abby Normal | April 1, 2008 10:37 AM
Boycott McDonalds? Seriously? How is it not painfully obvious by now that nothing can keep middle America away from McDonalds?
Posted by: Brandon | April 1, 2008 11:05 AM
From Eric Allman - the creator of sendmail
"There is some sort of perverse pleasure in knowing that it's basically impossible to send a piece of hate mail through the Internet without its being touched by a gay program. That's kind of funny."
re: boycott of mcdonalds
They are not going to boycott McDonalds. AFA only boycotts companies that are already on the ropes. McDonalds is in a middle of a turnaround and has been posting improving results quarter over quarter. So if AFA boycotts them they can't send out their quarterly e-mails saying how well their boycott is working.
Posted by: yoshi | April 1, 2008 11:31 AM
Surely they mean that the NGLCC placed the executive on the board of directors. It's not like McDonalds is paying them to put the exec on their board, or something.
Not that the WND cares, of course. Anything that makes the agenda look worse.
Posted by: nedlum | April 1, 2008 11:32 AM
Wow, I really hope they don't boycott McDonald's. I personally hate the food there - it would distress me to have to eat there to protest the boycott.
"I'll have a Big Gay Mac and a roll of Tums to go, please..."
Posted by: BobApril | April 1, 2008 11:55 AM
I find the idea that any of the McD's promo characters might have anything approaching a sex life, of any kind, a somewhat disturbing image ;-).
Posted by: Eamon Knight | April 1, 2008 11:58 AM
"all get perfect scores on the Sodomy Scale."
*snicker*
Posted by: konrad_arflane | April 1, 2008 12:17 PM
I have it on good authority, from Dylan Thomas, that Hamlet and Lear are gay, too:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3708/is_199804/ai_n8806278/pg_2
Posted by: SnarkyPants | April 1, 2008 12:18 PM
> No doubt a boycott will be coming soon
Excellent.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Size_Me
and
http://www.wellingtongrey.net/miscellanea/archive/2007-05-06--world-fatness.html
Posted by: David Durant | April 1, 2008 12:25 PM
Oops, it was Yeats who outed them, not Dylan Thomas.
Posted by: SnarkyPants | April 1, 2008 12:31 PM
Damn, that Gay agenda for going out each day and contributing to our health, well being,travel, clothing, entertainment and Defense. and on that note we just had a Dance club open up in My ultra conservative city . that is "gay friendly" i am planning on attending the Grand opening , even though i hate clubs in the first place. However, i feel i have an obligation to show support for anything that strives for bring good relations between the straight and gay community and that we are all just people
Posted by: Vic Vanity | April 1, 2008 12:55 PM
But Ed, none of the fast food chains were listed in the report.
How can we tell how soon it will be before I can go into any fast food chain in the country and know that it is free of Xtian wingnuts?
Posted by: Umlud | April 1, 2008 1:03 PM
I hereby nominate this as Ed's Best Post Ever(TM).
Posted by: AndrewT | April 1, 2008 1:06 PM
I second Andrew's nomination of this as Ed's Best Post Ever (TM). The hysteria in the loony right about everything that goes on between the human being's navel and the human being's upper thighs would be funny if it weren't so evil and hypocritical. Even a thoroughly detailed reading of the Gospels in the Bible will find that Jesus never had anything to say about homosexuality. He did, however, have things to say about divorce. And I just somehow do not see the loony right yawling on about divorce. Guys like Newt "Honey, I'm glad you're getting better in the hospital (by the way I'm divorcing you) and be better soon" Gingrich might feel uncomfy.
Posted by: Karl | April 1, 2008 1:32 PM
Ed -
Don't know (or care) if WND publishes a print version, but Int'l Paper is high on the list. Hope they don't use computers in the office, cause Dell, HP & IBM are all 100%. Or copiers (Xerox 100%). Or do net searches (Yahoo! & Google 100%).
Here's hoping they implode from their own inanity.
Posted by: Pineyman | April 1, 2008 1:57 PM
HAHAHAHAHA awesome. Thanks for a "look on the bright side" post.
This makes me happy.
Posted by: paul | April 1, 2008 2:38 PM
According to some testimony published on a church website, the Neumann parents -of the girl who recently died after they decided to treat her diabetes with prayer rather than seek medical advice - own a coffeeshop. The mother, Leilani Neumann, uses this to preech to the customers. She describes how she has bought the power of Christ to the non-christians who enter there.
Its a bit scarey when she gets to the part describing how she can feel the power of the holy spirit flowing out of her hands and into the sinners moments before they miraculously announce their conversion. I am not surprise she has delusions of magic healing powers.
Posted by: Suricou Raven | April 1, 2008 4:12 PM
All these companies are really not very good at promoting the gay agenda, I must say, because I'm not gay yet and neither is my husband.
On the bright side, we don't have to get divorced yet.
Posted by: twincats | April 1, 2008 5:11 PM
brilliant, Ed - absolutely brilliant!
Posted by: CanadianChick | April 1, 2008 10:08 PM
It's hard to worry about Mayor McCheese and Ronald McDonald when you have the [url=http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27899]Hammurderer[/url] and Grapist on the loose!
-TTm
Posted by: the Ticktockman | April 2, 2008 12:21 AM
This is one more piece of evidence against the ridiculous notion that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
Posted by: James K | April 2, 2008 12:22 AM
Isn't it Bevis & Butthead imitations are the lowest form of wit? I don't remember. He he, I said member.
Posted by: Abby Normal | April 2, 2008 1:37 AM
Just a note: Volvo is owned by Ford. So they'd have to boycot it as well.
Posted by: Iggy | April 2, 2008 6:42 AM
Poor old Don Wildmon; he gets all tingly in his naughty bits at the thought of people slipping meat between buns. He's still sending me emails addressed to "Dear Manmeat," though.
I can't stand McDonald's food, but I'm having a quarter pounder for lunch today. Maybe every day for the next couple of weeks, even.
Posted by: Mike O'Risal | April 2, 2008 8:04 AM
Can't listen to Rush Limbaugh or Dr. Laura, syndicated thru Premiere Radio Networks, owned by... 100% gay-friendly Clear Channel Communications.
...Heinz 57 sauce; despite being associated with a certain gay-loving Massachusetts liberal...
I know what your getting at, but Heinz is a Pennsylvania thing.
Posted by: Grumpy | April 2, 2008 6:49 PM
Ironically, the .pdf link itself is subject to the boycott, since you read it using Acrobat, made by gay-lovin' Adobe Systems.
Posted by: Grumpy | April 2, 2008 6:54 PM
You might also not be able to use a computer, as Microsoft provides the full suite of excellent benefits for gay and transgender employees.
Posted by: ava | April 2, 2008 9:27 PM