Ed Brayton is a freelance writer and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
The American Family Association has sent out an email to its supporters urging them to sign a petition demanding that Marriott hotels stop offering in-room adult movies. Here's my favorite part:
Act quickly as time is of importance.
Yes, act quickly! As we speak, untold numbers of middle management trainees and industrial lubricant salesmen are jerking off in the privacy of their Marriott hotel rooms and we must put a stop to this societal scourge. They should be reading their Gideon Bibles, not using their genitalia in unapproved ways. We will not stop until we've eliminated masturbation from society!
Comments
First of all screw the AFA. Nobody is forced to watch and if somebody wants to it is none of their f-------king business
Posted by: Ex Partiate | May 10, 2008 9:46 AM
Yeah, they should be reading their Gideon bibles instead. It's full of fornication, adultery, rape, and incest. What more do they need? (Okay, and lots of violence, too.)
Posted by: Zeno | May 10, 2008 9:56 AM
DO I sense a scandal coming up where some well respected Megachurch pastors' Marriot bill gets leaked revealing a weekend-long subscription to the jazz channel?
Posted by: Peter Mc | May 10, 2008 9:57 AM
What about all those Christians who jerk off reading their Gideon's?
Now that's an image that'll take awhile to clear from your mind. Heh heh heh. -DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | May 10, 2008 9:59 AM
Wow - I think you are a little behind on your AFA e-mails there dude. Their latest deal is not Marriott but the issue that "P&G has added h-mos-xual lovers to its soap opera "As the World Turns."" in an e-mailed titled "Procter & Gamble heard from the g-ys, then changed its rules"
For some reason they cannot even bring themselves to spell "gays" and "homosexual" in their correspondence anymore.
Posted by: yoshi | May 10, 2008 10:03 AM
Yeah, if God didn't want us to masturbate he would have made our arms much shorter........
Posted by: dale | May 10, 2008 10:04 AM
Jerking off kicks fucking ass! Porn, not so much. Use your imagination!
Posted by: PhysioProf | May 10, 2008 10:10 AM
"DO I sense a scandal coming up where some well respected Megachurch pastors' Marriot bill gets leaked revealing a weekend-long subscription to the jazz channel?"
Don't you mean the jizz channel?
Posted by: Paul T. | May 10, 2008 10:14 AM
It that Pysiotherapy Prof? :)
Really these small minded jerks (pardon the pun) should pull thier collective heads from thier rectums and join the real world. Sheesh what a complete load of tossers. -DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | May 10, 2008 10:14 AM
Maybe they're just angry because JW Marriott was a Mormon (Willard "Mitt" Romney was named after him) and the AFA doesn't like those who are differently Christian.
Posted by: freelunch | May 10, 2008 10:16 AM
Hmm, gas prices are soaring and experts predict it will have a substantial impact on this summer's tourism industry. Which means Marriott is likely going to take a hit. So by targeting Marriott the AFA can once again create the illusion of relevance. Canny bastards.
Posted by: Abby Normal | May 10, 2008 10:44 AM
First come, first served?
Posted by: Laurel | May 10, 2008 10:52 AM
Abby... How dare you mock the AFA's POWER to stop companies pushing Teh Ghey Agenda!
Just look at how they've destroyed the mortgage industry for not verifying hetero status before giving out home loans!!!11234
Posted by: doctorgoo | May 10, 2008 10:54 AM
I think Abby might have nailed it. Uh... so to speak. That could explain why "time is of importance."
Posted by: MPW | May 10, 2008 11:10 AM
Wait, is that for real, or are you just making a joke? They're seriously saying "g-y" and "h-mos-xual"?
Well, if it's true, maybe they're doing it to avoid spam filters. Given how sex-obsessed these right wing religious groups are, it wouldn't be shocking if spam filters picked up on the constant refrain of "Gay!!! Pornography!!! Condoms!!!" and started blocking them.
Posted by: Wes | May 10, 2008 11:23 AM
They should be reading their Gideon Bibles, not using their genitalia in unapproved ways. We will not stop until we've eliminated masturbation from society!
Something tells me that wouldn't be a very happy peaceful society. Just guessing though!
Posted by: 386sx | May 10, 2008 12:09 PM
Posted by: idahogie | May 10, 2008 1:13 PM
It's been a long time since I stayed in a Marriot, but they used to have a Book of Mormon there in the drawer by the Gideon Bible. I'd think the AFA people world be more concerned about heresy than about whackin' it. But what do I know?
Posted by: Coragyps | May 10, 2008 1:15 PM
Hurr hurr, industrial lubricant...
Posted by: Brandon | May 10, 2008 2:46 PM
Yes, they better hurry! My understanding is that only the first 12 minutes of a given hotel room porn rental are viewed.
Posted by: MisplacedLonghorn | May 10, 2008 3:14 PM
A WHOLE twelve minutes! Couldn't be men then - :) DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | May 10, 2008 3:19 PM
The last time I tried reading a Gideon Bible I discovered all the pages had been stuck together.
Posted by: Wallace Turner | May 10, 2008 4:23 PM
Marriott wouldn't be pumping movies into your room to pump your dick by, if it wasn't pumping up profits. If pumping religious programming was in huge demand, Marriott would pump programs with pompous preachers praying for God to put a pox on porn pumpers. So let Donald Wildmon send out letters asking for donations to fight against the perils of people partaking of porn while pumping their dicks and probing their puckered anuses.
Posted by: John | May 10, 2008 4:26 PM
As I understand it the Boy Scout were founded with the largely unwritten intent of keeping young men so busy doing woodsy and manly things they wouldn't have time or energy to play with themselves.
Thus the oath to be: ... 'wholesome, upright and clean'...
Evidently this current effort is just the most recent evidence of certain peoples and groups long standing preoccupation with masturbation.
Very strange people.
Posted by: Art | May 10, 2008 4:34 PM
As I understand it the Boy Scout were founded with the largely unwritten intent of keeping young men so busy doing woodsy and manly things they wouldn't have time or energy to play with themselves.
Didn't work when I was a scout. Or a scout leader.
Posted by: Coragyps | May 10, 2008 6:31 PM
I eagerly await the AFA adopting the phrase "porn dragon".
Posted by: Graculus | May 10, 2008 6:48 PM
I eagerly await the AFA adopting the phrase "porn dragon".
I know that my partner has become quite fond of it. For example, we have been watching the tee vee series, Monk on DVD and during an episode where a prostitute was killed, she exclaimed, "The fucking Porn Dragon killed her!" It's really a great phrase that I for one, am enjoying.
Posted by: DuWayne | May 10, 2008 7:22 PM
Odd that the american Family association is against something that might possibly promote people getting in the Family way.
Posted by: BAllanJ | May 10, 2008 9:23 PM
Yes, because porn is directly responsible for masturbation. Without it we shall go on in un-self-molested purity!
But this doesn't take things far enough, if you ask me. I think that all motel/hotel patrons should be required to wear one or more the devices mentioned here. Or possibly this anti-masturbation suit, which apparently is glued on....
yikes.
Posted by: John S | May 10, 2008 10:47 PM
Some of 'em do it for G-d, too. What do you think that means about their opinions of h-mos-xuals? What does it mean about their views of G-d?
Posted by: Ed Darrell | May 10, 2008 11:00 PM
Ed: Maybe they got a job lot of hyphens on sale and are trying to use them all up?
Posted by: James K | May 11, 2008 12:02 AM
I cannot remember the last hotel I was in which DIDN'T offer adult movies on the cable TV system. And I do not believe that I have ever stayed at a Marriot. Why is the American Fascist, oops, I'm sorry -- Family Association picking on Marriot? Why not Hilton, which has spawned a young woman who has probably caused as much masturbation among impressonable males of the species as any cheap flick on a cable television screen? (As well as, of course, gagging among those who have watched the said spawn attempting to be an ac-tress.) That's discrimination on the AFA's part.
Posted by: eeuropean2000 | May 11, 2008 6:14 AM
Does anyone actually buy anymore for the porn-lite they show in most hotels? Can't you get all the porn you need from the Internet?
Posted by: Brent | May 11, 2008 6:45 AM
I've always preferred the Song of Solomon DJ, so a Gideon's isn't going to cut it in the masturbation stakes! ;)
Posted by: Spook | May 11, 2008 7:34 AM
This is indeed a sticky situation.
Posted by: Jeff Hebert | May 11, 2008 9:06 AM
They've got it backwards; they should be encouraging porn.
The better the porn, the less time masturbation takes, and the more time you'll have left to read the Gideon Bible.
Posted by: anon1234 | May 11, 2008 3:27 PM
This may be prudish but I've never had the desire or felt any obligation or pressure to purchase hotel offered porn, but on the other hand after this thread, I am less likely to touch the Bible - at least the sheets get cleaned between guests.
Posted by: JoH | May 11, 2008 5:36 PM
Industrial lubricant salesmen?
Posted by: THobbes | May 11, 2008 5:48 PM
OK, here's what to do about that.
Write to the AFA.
Either tell them you agree with them because all that porn makes it difficult to know whether it's just a single guy in the next room all alone, or whether there's a couple in the next room makin' monkey, and *that's* what really gets *you* off.
Or tell them you disagree with them because in fact the porn is laced with religious messages: the woman in the last one you watched said, "Oh God!, I'm coming!, Oh God, oh God!" and if that's not an appeal to save a man's soul, nothing is!
Posted by: g347 | May 12, 2008 10:52 PM