Dispatches from the Creation Wars

This is absolutely hilarious. The American Family Association has a policy at its new outlet, OneNewsNow, never to use the word “gay” but to replace it with “homosexual.” And that works absolutely perfectly until they write an article about an athlete whose last name is Gay, as in Tyson Gay, the fastest man on the US Olympic track team. And then you get this:

Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has.

His time of 9.68 seconds at the U.S. Olympic trials Sunday doesn’t count as a world record, because it was run with the help of a too-strong tailwind. Here’s what does matter: Homosexual qualified for his first Summer Games team and served notice he’s certainly someone to watch in Beijing.

“It means a lot to me,” the 25-year-old Homosexual said. “I’m glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me.”


And it’s nice to know that Mr. Homosexual kept on pumping:

Wearing a royal blue uniform with red and white diagonal stripes across the front, along with matching shoes, all in a tribute to 1936 Olympic star Jesse Owens, Homosexual dominated the competition. He started well and pulled out to a comfortable lead by the 40-meter mark.

This time, he kept pumping those legs all the way through the finish line, extending his lead. In Saturday’s opening heat, Homosexual pulled way up, way too soon, and nearly was caught by the field, before accelerating again and lunging in for fourth place.

But it appears the word replace macro didn’t function perfectly; the dreaded G word got through one time:

Gay’s race came with the wind blowing at 4.1 meters per second; anything above 2.0 is not allowed for record purposes.

“I didn’t really care what the wind was,” Homosexual said.

Still, Homosexual was slapping Dix after the race:

After the race, Homosexual and Dix looked at each other and slapped palms, then hugged.

Good thing they didn’t do a terrorist fist tap.