Dispatches from the Creation Wars

BAD lawnmower

I had to laugh at this article:

It just wasn’t Keith Walendowski’s day. After having a few drinks before 9:30 a.m. Wednesday, he noticed his grass was overgrown. So he tried to fire up his 21-inch Lawn-Boy.

Nothing doing. It wouldn’t start.

He did what any 57-year-old southside Milwaukee native would do. He pulled out his sawed-off shotgun and blew the mower away.

“I’ll tell you the truth,” a criminal complaint quotes an apparently inebriated Keith Walendowski. “I got p—– because my lawn mower wouldn’t start, so I got my shotgun and shot it. I can do that. It’s my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want.”

This brings back two memories from the world of stand up comedy. The first is from Richard Pryor, who was once arrested for shooting his car with a .357 magnum. He later turned it into a routine: “My wife was gonna leave my ass. I said not in this motherfucker, you ain’t. If you’re leaving, you’re gonna be driving them hush puppies you got on.” Hilarious routine.

The other was from a brilliant Chicago comic I used to work with once in a while, Bill Gorgo. He used to do this really long bit on stage about a true story from Wisconsin, where a guy had his penis cut off by a lawnmower. It was a good 10 minutes or more of his act, though he said it started out as nothing more than “hey, did you hear about the guy who got his dick cut off by a lawnmower” and then was added to one line at a time.

It was a very funny bit. He’d say there were two pieces of good news in the story. First, it wasn’t fishing season. If it had been, someone would have used it as a crank bait. Second, it wasn’t a mulching mower. That would have been messy. You’d be picking pieces of penis out of your grass clippings for weeks. I remember him saying that the bit kept growing because other comics kept giving him one more line to add to it.

I gave him a line but I don’t think he ever used it. At the beginning of the bit he would tell what happened: “He went out to work on his lawnmower…and apparently he was really excited about the job. And suddenly this thing kicks on and WHACK – radical dickectomy.” I suggested that the next line should be, “Apparently….the lawn mower was a feminist.” Then pause for a second and say, “Nah, they don’t make riding feminists anymore.” I don’t think he ever used it, which probably shows better judgment than I had at 22 years old.