Ed Brayton is a journalist, commentator and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
I had to laugh at this article:
It just wasn't Keith Walendowski's day. After having a few drinks before 9:30 a.m. Wednesday, he noticed his grass was overgrown. So he tried to fire up his 21-inch Lawn-Boy.Nothing doing. It wouldn't start.
He did what any 57-year-old southside Milwaukee native would do. He pulled out his sawed-off shotgun and blew the mower away.
"I'll tell you the truth," a criminal complaint quotes an apparently inebriated Keith Walendowski. "I got p----- because my lawn mower wouldn't start, so I got my shotgun and shot it. I can do that. It's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want."
This brings back two memories from the world of stand up comedy. The first is from Richard Pryor, who was once arrested for shooting his car with a .357 magnum. He later turned it into a routine: "My wife was gonna leave my ass. I said not in this motherfucker, you ain't. If you're leaving, you're gonna be driving them hush puppies you got on." Hilarious routine.
The other was from a brilliant Chicago comic I used to work with once in a while, Bill Gorgo. He used to do this really long bit on stage about a true story from Wisconsin, where a guy had his penis cut off by a lawnmower. It was a good 10 minutes or more of his act, though he said it started out as nothing more than "hey, did you hear about the guy who got his dick cut off by a lawnmower" and then was added to one line at a time.
It was a very funny bit. He'd say there were two pieces of good news in the story. First, it wasn't fishing season. If it had been, someone would have used it as a crank bait. Second, it wasn't a mulching mower. That would have been messy. You'd be picking pieces of penis out of your grass clippings for weeks. I remember him saying that the bit kept growing because other comics kept giving him one more line to add to it.
I gave him a line but I don't think he ever used it. At the beginning of the bit he would tell what happened: "He went out to work on his lawnmower...and apparently he was really excited about the job. And suddenly this thing kicks on and WHACK - radical dickectomy." I suggested that the next line should be, "Apparently....the lawn mower was a feminist." Then pause for a second and say, "Nah, they don't make riding feminists anymore." I don't think he ever used it, which probably shows better judgment than I had at 22 years old.
Comments
Hi Ed, I think you have an auto-correct error in your first Pryor quote where I believe you meant "wife" when you actually published "life".
Posted by: Michael Heath | July 27, 2008 9:47 AM
Apparently. ;-)
Posted by: Gretchen | July 27, 2008 10:22 AM
"It's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want."
That's right. He can do anything he wants, as long as he doesn't mind paying the consequences.
Posted by: soboco | July 27, 2008 11:56 AM
Sounds to me like the frickin' mower was asking for it.
One of the benefits of living in the boonies is that you can shoot your lawn mower when it is asking for it.
Cost of ten twelve-gauge shells: $4.00
Sense of satisfaction of a job well done: priceless
Too bad Keith Walendowski lived in the city.
Posted by: Gingerbaker | July 27, 2008 12:07 PM
Nearly 7 years in prison for this? I'd have thought at most this guy should have to pay some god-awful fine and have his guns impounded. I wonder why it's illegal to own a modified-barrel firearm in Milwaukee.
Posted by: Julian | July 27, 2008 12:08 PM
Ah, reminds me of the Fawlty Towers episode where Basil Fawlty thrashes his car for not starting:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8vUFRkxie0
Richard Dawkins would argue that incarcerating and punishing those in our society who exibit a systemic problem is similarly ridiculous.
Posted by: Dan | July 27, 2008 12:25 PM
Julian, it's not that the shotgun was "modified-barrel", it's that it was shorter than minimum allowed length --- which is federal law, not state law or local ordinance. frankly, he's lucky he's not looking at even more than 7 years.
(shotguns must have barrels of at least 18 inches, breechblock to muzzle, and be at least 26 inches overall. rifles may have 16 inch barrels.)
Posted by: Nomen Nescio | July 27, 2008 12:45 PM
Ah, reminds me of the Fawlty Towers episode where Basil Fawlty thrashes his car for not starting:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8vUFRkxie0
That was my immediate thought (when I watched that episode I owned an MG).
Posted by: khan | July 27, 2008 1:15 PM
"Nearly 7 years in prison for this? I'd have thought at most this guy should have to pay some god-awful fine and have his guns impounded."
For f...s sake, he was handling a gun while drunk!
Posted by: Roman Werpachowski | July 27, 2008 2:25 PM
Julian -
Has nothing to do with the city, that's federal law. That's why it's best to buy a factory made, eighteen inch barrel (also making sure the overall length isn't going to be a problem). They are a quarter inch longer than legal to make it legit beyond question. That, and in many locations (if not per federal law) it is illegal to modify a shotgun unless you are a licensed gun smith.
And discharge of a firearm within the city limits is a pretty serious offense in most cities. Townships tend to be a lot looser, while rural areas such rules usually don't exist.
Roman -
Handling guns drunk is an idiot American pastime. Unfortunately one that isn't likely to lead to any significant punishment in and of itself - at least in much of the U.S.
Posted by: DuWayne | July 27, 2008 5:13 PM
yes, but unlike driving drunk, the courts don't treat intoxication as a de facto mitigating circumstance when committing a firearms crime.
Posted by: Nomen Nescio | July 27, 2008 6:10 PM
I seem to recall that the right to shoot things while drunk is enshrined in the Republican platform. Ask any of Dick Cheyney's close personal friends.
Posted by: kehrsam | July 27, 2008 6:40 PM
Public discharge is a misdemanor here and will be handled in Muni or JP court depening on where you live. Discharge on a retention pond, canal, levee, or dike, is state offence and will land you in full county criminal court. I walk the canal to get to the local library in fifteen minutes, it would be ten minutes driving, or thirty minutes walking if I took the sidewalks. There are huge signs saing that walking the canals is forbidden, that carrying a gun even if you have a license is forbidden, and that if yu fre a gun you're in big trouble. People walk the canals anyway. They run straighter than the streets.
Posted by: Bacopa | July 27, 2008 9:25 PM
Heh, reminds me of a very kindly gentleman that phoned me one day while I was doing telephone tech support for HP/Compaq. He was from Texas and obviously knew little about computers, but started by asking me how much internal parts in his computer would cost to replace.
When I inquired as to why he needed to know this, he mentioned that he had been having serious problems with his computer and eventually got so angry he pulled his .357 from his belt (apparently he was armed while surfing the internet) and fired a round through the side of the case.
At least he realized the warranty wouldn't cover the damage. I don't think he sent it in for repairs, but instead purchased a new machine.
Ahh, I almost miss the wackos that would phone in with computer problems...
Posted by: sinned34 | July 28, 2008 12:41 AM
Nomen- Ah, thanks for clearing that up for me.
Posted by: Julian | July 28, 2008 9:50 AM
Roman- I agree that shooting a gun while drunk isn't exactly the smartest thing in the world to do, but so is driving a multi-thousand pound vehicle down the road, at night, while under the influence, yet more often than not drunk driving is punished with a fine. Drunk driving fatalities were higher in the 70s and 80s than they are today, and yet the punishments were even less severe. Something being stupid and dangerous doesn't necessarily earn it significant punishment. More than this, look at the charges he faces. There's no mention of drunkenness in them. Being drunk and handling a gun isn't necessarily illegal or there'd have charges him with something like "handling a firearm while intoxicated". The charge is "disorderly conduct with a firearm", a broad charge that can cover anything from threatening someone with a gun to running around publicly armed, to discharging it in your front yard at your lawnmower. His drunkenness at the time will no doubt be a factor taken into account at adjudication and sentencing, but it had no bearing on his being arrested; if he'd done it sober, the charge would be the same. From what Nomen Nabisco said, though, it seems like the illegal firearm charge is what carries the heavy time here; I just wasn't aware that his shotgun failed to meet federal standards.
Posted by: Julian | July 28, 2008 10:15 AM
Was the lawnmower Unitarian?
Posted by: Raging Bee | July 28, 2008 10:59 AM
Some years back I had an old mower that was very difficult to start. I finally bought a new one and after a few cuttings it became difficult to start.
I took it back to the dealer and they kept it for three weeks. When I got it back it was near the end of the grass cutting season so I only used it once or twice.
I then moved to a distant city. I got the almost new mower out the next spring and of course it wouldn't start. I changed oil, the spark plug and the air filter but still it refused to start.
I took it to the local dealer and they told me my warranty was expired and charged me $65 to get it to start.
Two weeks later after many minutes of infuriating yanks on the starting cord it failed to even sputter.
Now I didn't have a shot gun but I did have a can of gasoline handy. I doused the mower with almost a gallon of gas and then tossed a match onto it.
The resulting WHOOOMP! was more than I had anticipated and within a minute or so a startled neighbor came running over to see what had "exploded". "Are you OK? What happened?"
I was too embarrassed to admit that I had just torched my almost new lawn mower so I told him it had mysteriously erupted into flames when I tried to start it.
My neighbor told the story of how my lawn mower "exploded" for years at neighborhood BBQs.
So sadly, I can relate to this poor devil in Milwaukie. I wonder what I would have been charged with had I lived there, arson?
Posted by: Lance | July 28, 2008 11:04 AM
No consequences other than your neighbor's ridicule, unless you burned someone's house down as a result.
And it's 'Milwaukee'. 'Milwaukie' is in Oregon.
Posted by: Chuck C | July 28, 2008 1:13 PM
ahhhhh jello biafra of the dead kennedys proves once again he is a prophet:
"Some clown in Sacramento was dragged into court
He shot his lawnmower
It disobeyed, it wouldn't start
Might makes right, it's the American way®
They fined him $60 and sent him on his way
You know, some people don't take no shit
Maybe if they did they'd have half a brain left"
Posted by: khefera | July 28, 2008 4:58 PM
Chuck C.
"No consequences other than your neighbor's ridicule, unless you burned someone's house down as a result."
The guy in Milwaukee (interesting that Word knows about the Ore. city even if I didn't) didn't cause any harm to anyone but his lawn mower. They got him on the fact that his shot gun was "sawed off".
Maybe the intent of the 1939 National Fire Arms Act legislation was to protect lawn mowers from drunken owners.
Posted by: Lance | July 28, 2008 5:38 PM
I tought about doing that a few summers ago when my mower wouldn't start.
Then I called a handy member of my congregation. He brought over a mower his son had refurbished to borrow and spent the next three weeks fixing the problem-and he wouldn't take any money from me for the fix.
Three years later the mower started like a dream at the start of mowing season this year.
Posted by: Rev. AJB | July 28, 2008 7:36 PM