Ed Brayton is a journalist, commentator and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
Since Joe the Plumber declared to a conservative group that he was horny, Jesus' General has responded with a letter to Brent Bozell, the founder of the group he was speaking to:
Dear Mr. Bozell,At first, I didn't know what to think when Joe the Plumber strode up to the podium at your awards banquet and declared, "I am horny." Such a statement seemed out of place at an event run by a guy who once crusaded against Michael Jackson's "happy man loaf." But after watching it again, I noticed that Mr. the Plumber was introduced while Lee Greenwood's patriotic meal-ticket, God bless the USA blared over the loudspeakers.
And that's when it struck me. Joe the plumber is horny for America. I can understand that. Who hasn't had a purity crisis while considering Wyoming's Grand Tetons or the watermelon fields of Alabama.
I like this part the best:
But it's not always a Godly kind of horniness. Sometimes, a guy looks at a map and sees Florida thrusting hard into the warm, willing waters of the Gulf, and it does something to him. It makes him think about certain things and how the light falls on them as they strain against the fabric of a sailors pants. You know what I mean. You start thinking about Florida, and the next thing you know, you wake up naked, sore, and sticky in a restroom at a place called the Manhole. And no matter what you do, you can't get those Gloria Gaynor songs out of your head.No wonder Joe the Plumber was horny.
We need to do something about it. Of course the easiest thing to do would be to change the maps. Your organization could lead the effort.
My first thought was that we could move the Dominican Republic up next to Florida and turn it all into a boot like those Italians have. But that'd just make Rush horny and he'd wind up driving into the Gulf. We'd end up leaderless.
So, maybe it's a better idea to tuck it up under Mississippi and Alabama. You know, like Sen. Lindsey Graham likes to do at those retreats. That's always a lot of fun.
Brilliant stuff as always.
Politics
Comments
Well, Florida won't be doing quite so much thrusting after all that polar ice melts, so there's a good part of the solution right there.
And if not-quite-Joe the not-quite-plumber wants to plumb the watermelon fields of Alabama, well, that's his lifestyle choice and he's entitled to it. (Of course, he'd have to get his plumber's licence first or it just wouldn't be right.) The rest of us will just have to stop eating watermelons from Alabama.
Posted by: Raging Bee | March 25, 2009 9:45 AM
What is it with Americans* and complete geographic brain failure?
Florida is a penis, bereft of Viagra, drooping into the Carribean, a testement to penile dysfunction everywhere. (Not to mention global warming shrinkage, like in a cold pool, but reversed) - :) DJ
*Present company, of course, excepted.
Posted by: DingoJack | March 25, 2009 10:39 AM
General Jesus' review of Ray Comfort's new book was equally brilliant and is getting top billing as the review that favors purchasing the book given that he ingeniously gave it five stars. That means the two reader reviews featured by Amazon for Comfort's book - one favoring its purchase, the other critical of the book - both effectively rip Comfort: http://www.amazon.com/review/R35ICBRVKXWIKP/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R35ICBRVKXWIKP
Posted by: Michael Heath | March 25, 2009 11:02 AM
DJ:
That's just Northern-hemisphere-hegemonistic, Mercator-centric, First-World bias talking. From the point of view of the rest of the world, Florida is virile indeed.
Posted by: CJColucci | March 25, 2009 11:37 AM
Now if only Floridian Penis can find the map of Tasmania, we might get a whole lot of new little worlds to completely wreck. - :) DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | March 25, 2009 12:05 PM
This is no surprise. It's no secret how often conservatives screw America.
Posted by: JakeS | March 25, 2009 1:12 PM
Such a statement seemed out of place at an event run by a guy who once crusaded against Michael Jackson's "happy man loaf."
Sentences like this make me so glad I don't give a shit about Michael Jackson. LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOUR EXPLANATION OF WHAT THAT INCREDIBLY CREEPY-SOUNDING REFEFENCE MEANS LALALALALALALA...
Posted by: Raging Bee | March 25, 2009 2:47 PM
Didn't WND just make a huge deal about VP Biden using the F-word? Where are they now that Mr. Plumber is horny for America? WND should be all uptight about the homosexual love, since America is obviously male.
Posted by: catgirl | March 25, 2009 3:03 PM
The Florida comment reminds me of a great Barry Kliban cartoon called "Map Filth". where North America is calling out "Hey, Europe! Eat my Florida!"
Posted by: Lsuoma | March 25, 2009 3:45 PM
"Hey, Europe! Eat my Florida!"
Our Sweden is bigger than your Florida.
Posted by: windy | March 25, 2009 4:34 PM
Yeah, and it's bent and curved to get to those hard-to-reach places...
Posted by: Raging Bee | March 25, 2009 4:37 PM
Errg!! It's Grand Teton. Only one teton. Not two. Don't know what that says about our National Park System, but there you are.
Posted by: Timothy Sandefur | March 26, 2009 9:58 AM
Sandefur,
I hiked up Middle Teton, and stood at the top between Grand Teton and South Teton. So while there are indeed multiple tetons, and while only one is Grand, they're all quite grand. And so they are indeed "grand tetons," or, when you turn their descriptin into a proper name, "Grand Tetons."
Posted by: James Hanley | March 26, 2009 12:53 PM
I think Homer nailed it when he called FL "America's wang".
Posted by: marnk | March 27, 2009 7:54 PM