Ed Brayton is a journalist, commentator and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
Stacie Murphy has a brilliant and important article in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette about how absurdly easy it is to become a "certified abstinence educator." So easy a clown can do it:
I passed the test. I am now a Certified Abstinence Educator.I have no medical background, no public health training and no teaching certification, but according to the Abstinence Clearinghouse I am now qualified to go into schools across the country and teach your children "everything they need to know" about sex -- just like Derek the Abstinence Clown.
Derek, whose videos have been floating around the Internet for a few weeks now, works for an Ohio organization that gets federal tax money to provide abstinence-only education. He tells kids that they should avoid pre-marital sex because it's like juggling machetes, and then he illustrates the danger by, well, juggling machetes.
So how does one become a "certified abstinence educator"? It's pretty easy:
After watching Derek's shtick, I got curious; what does it take to become a Certified Abstinence Educator?Not much, as it turns out.
A little digging led me to the Web site of the Abstinence Clearinghouse, which, for $50, sent me a password to the online Certification Exam. The site also helpfully suggested that I purchase their publication "Abstinence 101," which, I was assured, would enable me to pass the test and "fight the war against comprehensive sex education" -- for just another $20. Instead, I decided to wing it by choosing for most questions the most absurd answer from the options available.
One question asked me to identify the founder of "Playboy" magazine. Another asked whether premarital sex or abstinence was more likely to lead to "stunted personal development," and "corruption of character."
A true/false question read, "Contraception may be appropriate for some unmarried adults and teens." Knowing my audience, I (correctly, according to my testers) chose "false."
Finally, I was asked to write a paragraph about why abstinence was so important. I purposely made my statement as vague and inane as possible, just to see what would happen. How did I do? I passed with 89 percent.
This is what passes for sex education in too many places across America. The idea that passing this absurd test makes me or Derek or anyone else a qualified educator is ridiculous. But it's not as ridiculous as continuing to use taxpayer money to fund this nonsense.
Hear, hear.
Politics
Comments
If I were a teen, I would definitely be convinced to stay abstinate by a clown juggling machetes. Who wouldn't?
Posted by: kehrsam | April 1, 2009 9:53 AM
Wish you wouldn't run such stories on April 1st.
I don't know if it's real or a prank.
Posted by: Bruce | April 1, 2009 10:00 AM
Abstinence Clown? He thinks that's an effective way to frame his position?
Posted by: Dr x | April 1, 2009 10:01 AM
Does this offer come as a two-fer with becoming a priest to sanctify marriages, (thus obviating the "need" for remaining abstinent)?
Posted by: Umlud | April 1, 2009 10:02 AM
Ah, memories of sex ed. I still remember Coach Roberts saying, "For god's sake, wrap your willy and don't sleep around!" Then we watched the "Miracle of Life" video. He did have an accurate demo on how STDs can move through a population.
It was better than abstinence-only, but still not comprehensive on birth control. At least he didn't assume that telling us to just say "no" would work.
Posted by: Ranson | April 1, 2009 10:04 AM
I still don't understand how they can think that a clown is an effective way to reach teenagers. I know that these folks are behind the curve, but seriously... clowns?!
Posted by: Imrryr | April 1, 2009 10:09 AM
Well, hell: how hard can it be to repeat "No!" over and over again? Any 2yo could qualify....
Posted by: Eamon Knight | April 1, 2009 10:10 AM
Derek the Abstinence Clown?
On April Fools' Day?
Not buyin' it.
Posted by: jackstraw | April 1, 2009 10:11 AM
I went to a Catholic K-12 school in Tokyo, Japan (it was one of a few international schools there), and I remember 6th grade having sex education ("don't have sex until you are an adult" -- not even "a married adult!") and in 9th grade having an "upgraded" version, including being taught about respecting your partner's choice, learning how to say no, and (omg!!!) what birth control entailed, and how to use it (the pros and cos of the pill, how to use a condom, etc.) Remember, this was a Catholic school.
True, most of the students (and I expect many of the teachers) weren't Catholic, and it was in Japan (one of the least practicing-religion countries in the world), and all the students attending had to get permission slips signed by their parents, but it happened. None of the Brothers stepped in to say, "NO!" No one who attended had to say prayers or go to confession (even the Catholic kids).
Due to this experience, the knee-jerk reaction of many Americans growing up here in the US comes to me as a shock.
Posted by: mercurianferret | April 1, 2009 10:13 AM
"Derek the Abstinence Clown"
Personally I would send in Ouchy the Clown (google him) ....
Posted by: yoshi | April 1, 2009 10:25 AM
Derek the Absitence Clown is for reals, not an April Fools joke.
http://videogum.com/archives/instructional-videos/this-clown-will-make-you-not-w_047011.html
http://www.dailygotham.com/blog/mole333/derek_the_abstinence_clown
I warn you, it's as horrible as you imagine it would be.
Posted by: Tyro | April 1, 2009 10:26 AM
Can't fuck, clown will slice me...
Posted by: T. Bruce McNeely | April 1, 2009 10:28 AM
So he compares premarital sex to something which, although it *looks* dangerous, is perfectly safe if you know what you're doing and take the proper precautions, and then he demonstrates this by doing it, carefully, and emerging unscathed. Sounds about right.
Posted by: Dave M | April 1, 2009 10:31 AM
"fight the war against comprehensive sex education"
Says it all really. Remove the word "sex" and you extend the sentence to include all their edukatin policies.
Posted by: Richard Eis | April 1, 2009 10:32 AM
You know, if you ever change your mind on this issue, you can just change your name to Abstinence-Only Sex Ed Brayton.
Posted by: Brandon | April 1, 2009 10:38 AM
T. Bruce McNeely wins the thread.
Posted by: Wes | April 1, 2009 10:42 AM
Dammit, Dave M, you beat me to the punch. That's just what I was going to point out.
Posted by: Gretchen | April 1, 2009 11:06 AM
Now, if Derek really wanted to demonstrate the dangers of having sex without the imprimatur of the KKKristian reich he might:
A.) Get those machetes "Ginsu" sharp.
B.) Have himself blindfolded.
C.) Don a pair of boxing gloves.
D.) Strip naked and have some willing cleric, Teddy Haggard perhaps, "fluff" him.
E.) Commence the demonstration (cue the bobbitectomy repair folks)
Posted by: democommie | April 1, 2009 11:28 AM
"- And what do you do for a living?
- Well, I'm a clown.
- Oh, that must be... interesting...
- Oh, it is. I juggle machetes.
- Listen, I'm really sorry, I just remembered I've let some milk on the stove. Gotta go. See you!"
Poor Derek.
He didn't just choose abstinence.
Abstinence chose him.
Posted by: Christophe Thill | April 1, 2009 11:33 AM
This is a big step forward for Derek. He used to be Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.
Posted by: Petey the "Don't Sue People" Panda (not Abby Normal in a costume) | April 1, 2009 11:34 AM
Just looked at a video. So that's all it takes to be a clown nowadays? Wear a red bowler hat, an ugly sleeveless sweater and silly glasses (and no make up) and balancing a few objects on his head? Oh sorry, the glasses are his real ones. (And so is probably the sweater).
I can't picture any decent himDerek very self-satisfied, thinking he's such a great and funny showman because his audience shouts his name repeatedly at the end of his shows.
Oh, by the way, his name is Dye.
Posted by: Christophe Thill | April 1, 2009 11:49 AM
Sorry... Should have been:
I can't picture any decent circus hiring this Derek. But I can very well picture him very self-satisfied...
Posted by: Christophe Thill | April 1, 2009 11:54 AM
It hasn't been mentioned yet, but Derek is a really crappy juggler. The "tricks" he is doing, are really simple. Maybe two weeks of somewhat devoted practice, and anyone could juggle at his level.
Posted by: justin | April 1, 2009 12:15 PM
If this guy can find work, then I should be back on my feet in no time!
Posted by: Sexual Harrassment Panda | April 1, 2009 12:22 PM
It all makes sense to me now--I couldn't get laid in high school not because I was an awkward teenager with minimal social skills and even less self-confidence, but because I harbored a deep-seated fear of being sliced by a machete-bearing clown. I feel better now!
That anyone paid money for that argyle sweater is perhaps an even greater travesty than Derek's receipt of Federal dollars.
Posted by: FBI Regional Bureau Chief GORDON COLE!!! | April 1, 2009 12:27 PM
Derek's approach is brilliant! He works by subtly reinforcing the important moral lesson contained in any typical teen-slasher movie: if you have premarital sex, a machete-wielding clown will come after you.
And this probably works better than any other approach to abstinence-only education ever tried before...OK, so the occasional kid he teaches will grow up to be a manic serial killer, but that's a small price to pay for leaving the rest of the class permanently sexually dysfunctional, isn't it?
Posted by: Phillip IV | April 1, 2009 12:40 PM
Why am I not surprised that this is going on in the state that gave us John Freshwater? Even odds that this guy gives the Mt Vernon Middle School kids their sex-ed.
Posted by: Spidergrackle | April 1, 2009 12:49 PM
The fact that these people think that a clown will convince teenagers of anything, much less the "merits" of abstaining from all sexual activity, demonstrates how tragically out of touch social conservatives are with youth culture.
Posted by: Sadie Morrison | April 1, 2009 1:36 PM
"asked whether premarital sex or abstinence was more likely to lead to "stunted personal development," and "corruption of character."
I thought masturbation did that?
Posted by: Dogbert | April 1, 2009 1:54 PM
I thought masturbation did that?
Well, of course it does--all sexually pleasurable activities do. But even the abstinence clowns aren't so daft as to blame teen pregancy on masturbation, which merely stunts your development and corrupts your character (well, it causes hairy palms and circles under the eyes, too, but that's beside the point)--unlike premarital sex, which does all that AND causes pregnancy/STDs.
You see, they've got their priorities in order.
Posted by: FBI Regional Bureau Chief GORDON COLE!!! | April 1, 2009 2:44 PM
I always suspected the abstinence-only wingnuts were a bunch of clowns. Suspicion confirmed.
Posted by: ??? | April 1, 2009 3:10 PM
Let's be fair now most clowns are smarter than this.
Posted by: Paen | April 1, 2009 3:27 PM
Shades of MC Safety & the Caution Crew.
Posted by: Jon Lester | April 1, 2009 3:34 PM
I went to a private high school and we actually had a several day section on contraception (in Louisiana, no less.) There was a test on contraception - biology & types & percentage failures, etc - at the end. If you failed the test you had to come in on your own time and re-take it. Fail again, come in and take it again. Repeat until passing grade is achieved.
I think this is a grand idea, myself.
Posted by: mandrake | April 1, 2009 4:22 PM
Derek the Abstinence Clown - is anyone else getting shades of John Wayne Gacey?
They may not be all that similar in looks, but in the creepiness factor, they're pretty much the same.
Posted by: samantha | April 1, 2009 5:01 PM
What can be done to stop this Clown?
Welcome to NotWithMyTaxDollars.com where you can learn about my proposed legislation to drug test recipients of Welfare, Unemployment and Food Assistance (formerly known as Food Stamps).
http://notwithmytaxdollars.com/
Posted by: JED | April 1, 2009 5:05 PM
@mercurianferret
I recall a similar experience with the Catholic High School I attended here in Manila. We were even graded for making presentations on the pros and cons of the current birth control methods.
Later on in college, I also recall another discussion on sexuality and contraception, and the lecturer gave a fairly balanced report on the pros and cons of "the pill," condoms, and abstinence. The clincher? He was a Jesuit priest.
Posted by: Twin-Skies | April 1, 2009 9:54 PM
I think that the abstinence-only sect should actually use the real John Wayne Gacy to promote their agenda: "See, all those boys had (gay) sex once and look what happened to them."
I met Gacy a few times and he was bone-chilling scary without the clown make-up. He scared the shit out of me.
Posted by: wrpd | April 1, 2009 10:30 PM
wrpd - Seriously, apart from knowing his crimes, what is it that makes Gacy frightening? I have seen photos that creep me out, although why I cannot say. Having met him in person (presumably professionally) I am genuinely curious as to your reasons for being afraid of him. Is the "fear factor" there for other serial killers? - curiously DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | April 2, 2009 12:03 AM
"where you can learn about my proposed legislation to drug test recipients of Welfare, Unemployment and Food Assistance (formerly known as Food Stamps).
You're a clown too, JED?
Posted by: rnb | April 2, 2009 12:04 AM
DJ: He remodeled a drug store in my neighborhood in Waukegan, IL in the early 70s. (Waukegan is half-way between Chicago and Milwaukee.) I was friends with the pharmacist. I had been in the store a few times with Gacy before the pharmacist introduced him to me. Before I met him he would just stand a few yards from me and stare intensely. After I met him he would say hello as I passed and then stare at me the rest of the time. He seemed like a cartoon wolf staring and drooling at a sheep he was imagining to be a lamb chop.
I was in his favorite age-range--I was 23 but I looked younger.
I am gay and I saw him occasionally in gay venues. He did the same thing he did at the drug store--just stand and stare.
Creepy enough?
Posted by: wrpd | April 2, 2009 12:26 AM
By all accounts, Ted Bundy could be charming and ingratiating. As can other psychopaths.
Posted by: Diane G. | April 2, 2009 12:43 AM
wrpd - Sorry, I didn't mean to imply Gacy wasn't creepy, merely that, as someone who met him personally, you were in a better position to know just how creepy he is.
I was thinking of Leon Gary Ridgeway, who comes across as rather pathetic and weak, despite killing 50+ people. - DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | April 2, 2009 2:43 AM
I also ran into Jeffrey Dahmer* a few times. Not as creepy, though.
*I thought all mass murderers and assassins had to have three names.
Posted by: wrpd | April 2, 2009 3:10 AM
Hey, I just thought about a few puzzling similarities...
- big guy
- creepy looking
- with an awful taste for clothes
- clumsy speaker
- loves machetes
- anti-sex
- favorite victims : kids
Derek is really Jason Vorhees!
Well, it took some years, but he finally got a job. Bet his poor mum would be proud.
Posted by: Christophe Thill | April 2, 2009 4:29 AM
I don't find the concept of an "abstinence clown" at all surprising--the United States foreign policy has obviously been run by a "peace clown" since some time in the early 1950s.
Posted by: Tony Sidaway | April 2, 2009 4:32 AM
Tony Sidaway:
No, it was still the "Abstinence Clown". It was just about abstaining from reason, instead of sex.
Posted by: democommie | April 2, 2009 7:10 AM
I too went through an absinthe only phase. Then I discovered scotch.
Posted by: junco | April 2, 2009 8:39 AM