Ed Brayton is a journalist, commentator and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
I have been challenged, dear readers, to -- of all things -- a steak eating competition. And who would be so foolhardy as to challenge me, the undisputed King of All Carnivores, to such a battle? A girl. And not just any girl, but the Goddess of Shoes herself, Dr. Isis. She writes:
My good man,It has recently been brought to my attention that you and I may be in the greater New York area during a similar period of time a few months from now. Knowing that, I challenge you to a duel.
And she posts this picture of the weapon of choice for our duel, the 40 oz porterhouse at Peter Luger's in Brooklyn.
Beautiful, isn't it? Perfectly charred on the outside, still delightfully pink and juicy on the inside, glistening with rendered fat....
*drool*
I'm sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, this "challenge." My response:
Isis, my dear -
I know that spending so much time with a young child can sometimes reduce one's faculties a bit. And lord knows that even the most well-crafted high heels can cause a serious delay in blood flow to the brain. But as a physiologist, you know all of that.
What you clearly do not know is that, to quote Vizini, you've fallen for one of the classic blunders. The best known are never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line, but only slightly less well-known is this: Never challenge a fat man to a steak-eating contest.
I am to charred flesh consumption what Lance Armstrong is to bike racing. What Michael Jordan is to basketball. What Cato Kaelin is to couch crashing. What Rush Limbaugh is to pill popping.
Tryin to bring down me, the champion?
When y'all clowns gon' see that it can't be done?
Understand me son, I'm the slickest they is,
I'm the quickest as they is, did I say I'm the slickest they is
You see that lovely steak in the picture? I'll take two of them. Stitched together with bacon. With a side order of lard and a hunk of cheesecake the size of my head. You are in so far over your head that you're gonna need a mile-long high heels to see daylight.
Your challenge is accepted, with much enthusiasm. I only add one demand: When I'm still eating and you're doubled over in pain, wondering what ever possessed you to do such a foolish thing....don't go crying to your mummy about your tummy.
With all due respect (and sympathy),
Ed
P.S. You do know CPR, right?
Comments
I've been there, I've had that steak. I believe they call it "steak for two". Make sure you get sides with it as those are quite good as well.
Posted by: Stefan Krzywicki | May 6, 2009 9:52 AM
Don't forget the wafer thin mint afterwards.
Posted by: Bartholomew | May 6, 2009 9:53 AM
Ed (and Dr. Isis):
Please dont get caught up in the competition so much that you fail to enjoy the charred flesh. (Although I would argue that the interior flesh in that picture is overcooked. the charring is nice though. Lugar's can do better.)
But Ed, at Peter Lugar's, the bacon is not a side order, it is an appetizer, and one I highly recommend.
Posted by: dave | May 6, 2009 9:55 AM
It's waaafer thin!
Posted by: Wes | May 6, 2009 9:56 AM
Being a vegetarian I'm not sure who to root for.
Posted by: Bill in NC | May 6, 2009 9:57 AM
Oh man, my two favorite Sciencebloggers in competition, I really don't know who I'm rooting for! I suppose I'll just hope that neither of you has a heart attack ;)
Posted by: Mara | May 6, 2009 10:00 AM
Ed -
I'd humbly suggest you negotiate the location. You might also want to try Arthur's Tavern in Hoboken. Or work on a series of challenges.
Posted by: Pineyman | May 6, 2009 10:04 AM
I dunno, Ed. I recall the owner of a Texas restaurant with a similar-sized "steak challenge" commenting on those who try. He said something to the effect of, "If I get a big ol' trucker in here, I'll give him about a fifty-fifty shot. If I get a tiny woman giving it a try, I'll drop a $100 bet with anyone in the place that she'll win."
Big stomachs often come in small packages, and remember that most of your successful professional eaters are skinny little bastards.
On a more personal note, I was having dinner with friends a few years back at a restaurant that had a huge steak-tip platter. Not a challenge or gimmick, it was just big. All three of us ordered it, and the waitress commented that she had never seen anyone finish it. Each of us cleaned our plate, picked at what our wives had, and ordered dessert. I think we scared the poor girl.
Posted by: Ranson | May 6, 2009 10:06 AM
Now, this is how two intelligent and civilized people should settle their differences. Hamilton and Burr were clearly fools.
Posted by: Imrryr | May 6, 2009 10:19 AM
FWIW, I am confident that my 16 year old (6', 140lb) son could smoke both of you, combined, in a steak eating competition.
Posted by: TGAP_Dad | May 6, 2009 10:28 AM
Having seen Ed eat BBQ in Texas, I'm going with Ed for the win. Good Luck!!! And have fun! I expect full details of the event
Posted by: Donna | May 6, 2009 10:40 AM
Isis is so great. Whoever said feminism and feminity were mutually exclusive?
Posted by: Brandon | May 6, 2009 10:44 AM
40 ozs? I thought that was a steakhouse, not some little-girly, underpants-y, pink-doily tea-party place.
Posted by: DrBubbles | May 6, 2009 10:46 AM
Where can a guy find a bookie for this steak-off?
Posted by: Chuck | May 6, 2009 10:49 AM
I'll take mine rare, please. Though I prefer the Smith & Wollensky's porterhouse for two.
The only problem with a steak eating contest is that there is no room for creamed spinach or hash browns.
Posted by: BMatthews | May 6, 2009 10:53 AM
What are the stakes (other than bragging rights)? If it's for the check, bear in mind that they only take cash, no plastic.
Best steak house on the planet, though.
Posted by: Molly, NYC | May 6, 2009 10:55 AM
Wow. I'm not a vegetarian, but I think that's more beef than I've eaten in the past three years.
Now, if it were a salmon-eating contest, I might be a sleeper contender. (This is not a challenge, BTW. Competitive eating is something I'll continue to experience only vicariously, thanks!)
Posted by: Julie Stahlhut | May 6, 2009 1:21 PM
Having personally seen Ed inhale mind-boggling amounts of steak and ribs, he goes in as the presumptive favorite. But I will say this: if Isis can beat him, don't fuck with her.
Ed, we really must have video of this, or at the least some sort of live blogging.
Posted by: Dan | May 6, 2009 1:48 PM
Having seen Ed devour BBQ in Austin, I'm picking Ed for the win. Seriously considering live blogging the event!
Good luck to both of you!!!!
Posted by: Donna | May 6, 2009 2:04 PM
"I'll take mine rare, please. Though I prefer the Smith & Wollensky's porterhouse for two.
The only problem with a steak eating contest is that there is no room for creamed spinach or hash browns."
Posted by: BMatthews
Don't worry; anybody who finishes that steak will probably want to stick with sides only for a week or two.
Posted by: Barry | May 6, 2009 2:14 PM
I heard the theory was that little guys (or gals) can eat more at once because they have less grissle around the stomach itself, which makes the stomach more flexible for swelling in a short time period. Bigger guys have more fat surrounding the stomach, which means more resistance to quick gorging and rapid swelling. However this effect may be neutralized somewhat if it's all you can eat at one sitting and not all you can eat in 10 minutes.
Is anyone else reminded of the John Candy movie, The Great Outdoors? He ate the 100 ouncer in that one.
Posted by: Dave S. | May 6, 2009 2:20 PM
The only problem with a steak eating contest is that there is no room for
Yeah really. Why would anybody want to have a steak eating contest. Good grief.
creamed spinach
Yuck!
or hash browns.
Blech! Why would anybody want hash browns when they can have french fries or potato chips or something. People are weird...
Posted by: 386sx | May 6, 2009 2:32 PM
Peter Luger's is right in my neighborhood... never been there, though. I hear good things... steak just isn't my thing.
Do you have a speaking engagement in the area or something?
...and beware of the "D's" while you're here. They seem to enjoy illegal searches.
Posted by: havoc | May 6, 2009 2:35 PM
I remember I was at a Denny's in California once when I was a kid and the waiter asked what kind of dressing I wanted, and I said how about some Wishbone Italian, at which point he became very shocked and appalled and said that they don't have that, but they do have "oil and vinegar". I guess they're pretty high class out there I guess! Lol. Shock and horror...
Posted by: 386sx | May 6, 2009 2:48 PM
In the words of Pepper Lewis:
"Just knock its horns off, wipe its nasty ol' ass, and chunk 'er right down here on the plate... we're kinda particular about our meat."
Posted by: Benjamin Geiger | May 6, 2009 3:01 PM
What are the dates and what is the scoop on why you will be here?
I want to be part of the audience! We need to get a few tables with you guys in the middle. If you have a date in mind tell us what it is because you need to reserve WAY in advance.
count me in! Who else wants to eat steak! We could split the 40oz but I am a more medium rare than rare rare person.
Posted by: Kevin (NYC) | May 6, 2009 3:18 PM
I don't think I've seen Dr. Isis but I'm guessing the physiologist knows her own metabolism. I'm sure you've seen some of the people who win at competitive eating aren't very big at all.
Have you ever tried the steak challenge at the place in Amarillo?
Posted by: Jon Lester | May 6, 2009 4:06 PM
Is this contest for speed or quantity? It makes a difference if we're gonna get all sciency.
Posted by: Brandon | May 6, 2009 4:28 PM
The event is the annual meetup for the ScienceBlogs crew. We get together in NYC for three days. And I'm going to be there for a couple days before the SB event and a couple days after, so I suggested that those who get there early could get together for dinner at Peter Luger's. It's not really going to be a contest, we're just gonna go have a good meal. But Isis decided to have a little fun with it and I responded in kind. I'm open to suggestions on other places I should eat while I'm there too.
There will likely be a meet and greet for ScienceBlogs readers, as there was last year. Stay tuned for details on that as it gets closer.
Posted by: Ed Brayton | May 6, 2009 4:44 PM
Like balls it's not!!!! I was having fun with it until you suggested you wouldn't get beaten by "a girl." Now I have my reputation to maintain.
I may be small, but I'm scrappy.
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | May 6, 2009 5:19 PM
This thing is escalating way out of control...
Posted by: 386sx | May 6, 2009 5:45 PM
Should you ever venture to Hollywood, I officially and cheekily challenge you to a hot-wings contest. Wing Stop, cajun-style.
I would slap you with a glove, but my hands are kind of full right now.
Posted by: Damien | May 6, 2009 7:36 PM
Back in my highschool days, I witnessed a skinny, stoned nerdshoe demolish a 2 meter tall, overweight guy with the beard of a 30 year old in a somewhat disgusting chili eating competition.
Posted by: Gordon S | May 6, 2009 8:12 PM
Ed,
Other suggestions for NYC: Keens Steakhouse -- Definitely have the Mutton Chop, I friends who come from overseas for that; A more refined Steakhouse experience can be had at the Striphouse; Someone mentioned sushi, a hidden gem is Gayjimaru on First Ave at 87th street. Yes, off the beaten path, but some of the best sushi Ive had outside of Tokyo. Otherwise, mention what you like and Im sure we can scare up a few recommendations.
Posted by: dave | May 6, 2009 8:58 PM
Just waaan leetle wafer!
Posted by: Mal Adapted | May 6, 2009 9:03 PM
Took me a minute to realize what the wafer comments were about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2Bs1ZZ-7b8
Posted by: IvanM | May 6, 2009 9:37 PM
Posted by: James Hanley | May 6, 2009 10:11 PM
Ed's so pumped he went all Fresh Prince on us!
Yes, definitely looking forward to the blow-by-blow on this one.
Posted by: Pi Guy | May 7, 2009 9:29 AM
Ed, you've got me doubled-over with laughter, tears running down my cheeks - it is so wonderful to be treated to your sharp wit and comedic talent after reading your largely very serious posts. You are a man of many gifts.
For the record, Isis is extremely protective of her identity but her voice does routinely appear on her blog. So I have offered to livestream the competition using ustream.tv - I did this for part of the ScienceOnline'09 Friday Fermentable Live Wine-Tasting and I think I've got it figured out.
As long as we don't show Isis, we can probably do this as long as I can garner her approval.
Regardless, this is not going to be pretty. In fact, I am a bit fearful to be present.
Posted by: Abel Pharmboy | May 7, 2009 10:39 AM
Abel,
Please keep all of us readers informed on how this goes down!
Posted by: Wes | May 7, 2009 9:37 PM
Wes, if I am understanding Abel correctly, you would be able to watch it go down live.
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | May 7, 2009 10:48 PM
Oh snap, someone's about to get served... Wait a sec, [looking at picture] why is that a bad thing again?
Posted by: Abby Normal | May 8, 2009 12:11 AM
I root for the steak. May it best you both!
Posted by: Richard | May 12, 2009 7:18 AM