Dispatches from the Creation Wars

Catholic Foreplay

I found this at PZ’s blog and it cracks me up. The Catholic Church has actually issued a pre-sex prayer for couples:

Father, send your Holy Spirit into our hearts. Place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes.

Open our hearts to you, to each other and to the goodness of your will. Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness. Clothe us in true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, forever and ever. Mary, our mother, intercede for us. Amen.

I bet that gets your engine revving, doesn’t it? I think it’s worth taking a closer look at what it says. Does “self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive” mean no more faking orgasms for women? I’m guessing that “loving physical union that welcomes” does not refer to welcoming, say, another person into the room to participate. Or videotape.

I do imagine that “Clothe us in true dignity” might mean wearing something sexy, but frankly I can’t find sexy clothes in my size. I ended up having to cut the crotch out of an old pair of overalls. Sorry for that visual.

But the one really bad part of the prayer is the reference to “Mary, our mother.” Believe me, while you’re getting ready to have sex is not the right time to be talking about anything involving one’s mother. Unless Mary is a MILF, I suppose. I wonder if Mary’s last name was Stiffler?

At any rate, I think this prayer is entirely unnecessary. Isn’t it enough that we’re always calling out God’s name during sex? Besides, the Catholics have done enough for sex by A) making it dirty and naughty, and B) giving us the schoolgirl costume. God bless em.