Ed Brayton is a journalist, commentator and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
I found this at PZ's blog and it cracks me up. The Catholic Church has actually issued a pre-sex prayer for couples:
Father, send your Holy Spirit into our hearts. Place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes.Open our hearts to you, to each other and to the goodness of your will. Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness. Clothe us in true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, forever and ever. Mary, our mother, intercede for us. Amen.
I bet that gets your engine revving, doesn't it? I think it's worth taking a closer look at what it says. Does "self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive" mean no more faking orgasms for women? I'm guessing that "loving physical union that welcomes" does not refer to welcoming, say, another person into the room to participate. Or videotape.
I do imagine that "Clothe us in true dignity" might mean wearing something sexy, but frankly I can't find sexy clothes in my size. I ended up having to cut the crotch out of an old pair of overalls. Sorry for that visual.
But the one really bad part of the prayer is the reference to "Mary, our mother." Believe me, while you're getting ready to have sex is not the right time to be talking about anything involving one's mother. Unless Mary is a MILF, I suppose. I wonder if Mary's last name was Stiffler?
At any rate, I think this prayer is entirely unnecessary. Isn't it enough that we're always calling out God's name during sex? Besides, the Catholics have done enough for sex by A) making it dirty and naughty, and B) giving us the schoolgirl costume. God bless em.
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Can't get past the overall image. Need to find the brain soap....
Posted by: MikeMa | September 4, 2009 9:29 AM
"Clothe us in true dignity" is probably asking God to not let them be totally naked like Adam and Eve. Also, Mary was a virgin and maybe Catholics get turned on by virgins? I dunno. It's Friday, I can't think today.
Posted by: llDayo | September 4, 2009 9:43 AM
It's bound to be more effective than the rhythm method.
It is meant as a form of birth control, right?
Posted by: Russell | September 4, 2009 9:49 AM
Ed asked:
"Does "self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive" mean no more faking orgasms for women?"
OK, I know your question was facetious. But as a former and Opus-Dei educated Catholic, I can tell you in all seriousness that this is a very oblique reference to avoiding birth control. "Self-offering that does not deceive" means not engaging in the "deceipt" of witholding your fertility and therefore your "openness" to life.
I'm very suprised that the prayer doesn't mention procreation in a more straightforward way, however, given that the Church teaches that this is the #1 reason behind not only sexual relations but marriage itself.
Posted by: Adrienne | September 4, 2009 10:04 AM
Oh my, haven't had my coffee yet. "Deceit", not "deceipt".
And just to clarify, I'm an ex-Catholic but spent my formative years receiving an Opus-Dei education and "religious formation" (their term for it).
Posted by: Adrienne | September 4, 2009 10:06 AM
Eew.
Posted by: Spidergrackle | September 4, 2009 10:07 AM
I just wanna ask - is this what the Duggars use?
Posted by: Pineyman | September 4, 2009 10:14 AM
Clueless-as-usual me has to ask: what does MILF stand for? Most of the other acronyms associated with sexual preferences I've managed to grok, but not this one.
Posted by: Eamon Knight | September 4, 2009 10:38 AM
Mothers I'd Love to F*ck. Ed blasphemed. Shame on him.
Posted by: Pineyman | September 4, 2009 10:39 AM
Now imagine it in the voice of Reverend Timothy Lovejoy.
Risibility factor increased by 100%, effectiveness down by 80%. - DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | September 4, 2009 10:40 AM
Eamon Knight @ # 8 - amazing that you missed MILF during the Palinomania last year.
It's "Mother-I'd-Like-to-French", or something somewhat similar...
When in doubt, consult http://www.urbandictionary.com/.
Posted by: Pierce R. Butler | September 4, 2009 10:45 AM
Ed: You had a pair of overalls with the crotch intact? How kinky.
Posted by: kehrsam | September 4, 2009 10:54 AM
http://digitalcuttlefish.blogspot.com/2009/09/step-one-get-on-your-knees.html
Posted by: Cuttlefish | September 4, 2009 11:13 AM
As a former Catholic let me divulge the dogma:
You are to do it in the bedroom, on the bed, in the dark and in the standard missionary position.
I was always confused on the missionary thing.
Of course the Catholic church still subscribes to the view that women should be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen.
Posted by: Tony P | September 4, 2009 11:14 AM
Thanks, Adrienne. I did not understand that phrase in the prayer. But it wouldn't make sense for them to leave out their "Let's make more Catholics" theme from a sex prayer, now would it?
Posted by: noel | September 4, 2009 11:23 AM
Shame on you Ed.
Read this on a daily basis but this is a bit over the top.
Does this in some way offend you or your sensibilities? Nope.
Posted by: Ira | September 4, 2009 11:28 AM
I ended up having to cut the crotch out of an old pair of overalls. Sorry for that visual.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Posted by: Elyse | September 4, 2009 11:38 AM
@16: Since when does one need an excuse to ridicule the ridiculous? This is just flat-out funny.
Posted by: Shygetz | September 4, 2009 11:40 AM
Ed: "I found this at PZ's blog and it cracks me up."
Ira: "Does this in some way offend you or your sensibilities?"
No disconnect there, no siree. :) - DJ
________________________
PS: So Ira, want to make a declaration of interest (in the spirit of full disclosure)? Because you wouldn't want to "bear false witness" now, would you?
Posted by: DingoJack | September 4, 2009 11:40 AM
"loving physical union that welcomes" = keeping it open to life, i.e., the possibility of pregnancy.
Posted by: Adrienne | September 4, 2009 11:51 AM
there was an episode of "Scrubs" with this t-shirt on a character:
http://tshirtreviews.wordpress.com/2007/05/04/gilf-t-shirt-gets-promo-on-scrubs-tv-show/
Posted by: rob | September 4, 2009 11:58 AM
Keep in mind that God is always watching. He's the Ultimate Voyeur. He watches you in bed, he watches you in the shower, he watches you on the toilet.
If you die and go to Heaven, kick His balls so hard He chokes on them.
Posted by: WTFWJD | September 4, 2009 12:24 PM
Just curious, but is there a papal-approved utterance for the moment of orgasm? Surely His Creepiness would not miss such an opportunity.
Posted by: Roger the Shrubber | September 4, 2009 12:31 PM
It's meant as a cunning sneaky support for the abstinence-only birth control strategies.
(Ew)
Posted by: Sara | September 4, 2009 12:31 PM
If you had read the article, you would know that this was put out by a Catholic group, not the Catholic Church. While members of the church may have participated in its production or approve of it, it is not a pronouncement of the church itself.
Posted by: literate lurker | September 4, 2009 12:42 PM
@16:
Unclench your sphincter, already.
(Metaphorically speaking, of course).
And when it comes to withstanding the ridicule of Ed Brayton, the Catholic Church doesn't have a prayer.
Posted by: Paul Lundgren | September 4, 2009 12:50 PM
Interesting. I've been to a couple of pagan orgies that started with something very similar, though with a bit more panache. Just like the Catholics to co-opt excellent and entertaining pagan traditions and turn them into something banal.
Posted by: Abby Normal | September 4, 2009 1:35 PM
I thought Catholic foreplay was: "Roll over!"
Posted by: Bob Carroll | September 4, 2009 1:37 PM
Australian foreplay: "You awake?" :)- DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | September 4, 2009 1:50 PM
It is a bit funny, but I do have to say that the distinction 25 makes is pretty relevant, because people keep going off of the idea (which is apparently false, according to the article) that this is some kind of Papal document.
That said the actual theological content of the prayer is all fine; the Catholic Church recognizes the person and human dignity as having a high value in the world and the aim of this prayer is an extension of the desire to make sure that this value is respected in all things.
I guess even though I wouldn't necessarily say it myself, unless my hypothetical and future spouse really wanted to, I don't really think it's all that worth making fun of, especially when the insults are stock insults resting on a false assumption about the prayer's source.
Posted by: KKairos | September 4, 2009 2:09 PM
It's a beautiful prayer and the mockery of it is quite ugly. Congratulations.
Posted by: tom van dyke | September 4, 2009 3:15 PM
"I ended up having to cut the crotch out of an old pair of overalls. Sorry for that visual."
No you're not!
Posted by: Rahne | September 4, 2009 3:16 PM
Of course it is seeing how one can't falsify it anyway. All theological content is to someone fine.
Posted by: GH | September 4, 2009 3:19 PM
Only slightly less creepy than the Moonie procedure with the Rev. and Mrs. looking on.
Posted by: SharonB | September 4, 2009 4:00 PM
I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I found it rather tedious and not to mention oppresive, in a Taming of the Shrew, kill with kindness, kind of way. Meanwhile the mocking ranged from run-of-the-mill to chuckle inducing for me.
Posted by: Abby Normal | September 4, 2009 4:45 PM
TVD@31 -
No it's not a beautiful prayer. It's creepy. This type of crap is one of the reasons I am a recovering Catholic.
Funny, it doesn't seem like anyone has asked if this been adapted for pedo....er, priests usage before they bugger altar boys.
Posted by: pineyman | September 4, 2009 4:46 PM
My father always said, "It's okay. Just go back to sleep."
Posted by: wrpd | September 4, 2009 5:41 PM
To my mother who was pregnant for most of their first nine years of marriage.
Posted by: wrpd | September 4, 2009 5:43 PM
I've heard Catholics are a kinky lot, but trying to mix dignity with sex? Dude, that's messed up!
Posted by: Azkyroth | September 4, 2009 6:06 PM
As a Catholic, I hope to offer a bit of lacking expertise to this. Yes, there is a Catholic prayer before sex, but it usually follows a sound spanking and some corner time. That is Catholic foreplay in its entirety.
Posted by: Isis the Scientist | September 4, 2009 6:40 PM
Of course they want to add dignity to sex. They've already got the guilt part down, and if it is supposed to be dignified than they can do more about telling you what you need to feel guilty about. I know Family Guy did a thing on something similar, something on British Sex, and I know others have. I can see it now:
"Madam, I am going to achieve climax and impregnate you, if that is all right."
"Oh, yes, Sir, do please do so. Thank you so very much. Shall we have tea afterwards?"
"Quite. Aaah, My Diety Who I Cannot Name For Fear of Blasphemy!"
Posted by: Badger3k | September 4, 2009 7:17 PM
I read wrpd's two consecutive comments — without noticing that it was the same person — in the wrong order. The first (second comment) appeared to be some sort of shout out to his/her mother, which was slightly weird in a comment thread, and I really don't care to tell anyone what my first reaction to the second (first comment) was.
That will teach me for attempting to read the comments from the bottom to the top of the page, rather than in the right order.
Posted by: Damian | September 4, 2009 7:33 PM
Deniable plausibility. Spin doctoring.
Whenever the RCC puts it's Prada wearing foot in it's mouth it's never the church itself that did it, no siree noway.
This allows them to divert criticism for many of their odious actions towards these "arms length" organizations.
And of course there are many fatwa envying, martyr complex catlicks out there more than willing to strap on the lighting rod.
Posted by: steve | September 4, 2009 8:59 PM
Sorry for the misunderstanding. My mother absolutely hated sex. My father didn't care. She had six children, including one stillborn, between 1946 and 1954. She had to have a hysterectomy after the last kid.
Posted by: wprd | September 4, 2009 10:57 PM
Well, back when I was a Cath-O-Lick I always used to pray FOR sex.
Toon Van Dunk:
Your whine is noted.
Posted by: democommie | September 5, 2009 5:44 AM
Re #23;
"Attaboy!"
Posted by: eddie | September 5, 2009 1:49 PM
Tom - Do I get crackers with that whine? :) - DJ
___________
Should have thought of it earlier, thanks Demo!
Posted by: DingoJack | September 5, 2009 2:03 PM
You guys are terrible, and way-off. I lived in the worldly way of sex for quite a while... Now, in a Catholic marriage, not only did my wife and I wait until our wedding night, but we regularly pray before sex. For us, sex is spiritual mysticism, and we both agree that the toe-curling effects of this go well-beyond what we both knew in our previous worldly efforts. What is better, friends, is that most of the young Catholic married couples that we know tacitly admit to experiencing as much themselves. Catholics love sex much more than worldly people, and we're not afraid to call in God to give us a helping hand in the bedroom. Literally. The results? Incredible. You can have your pillow-talk, as far as I'm concerned.
Posted by: Mark | September 5, 2009 8:39 PM
I think I might be sick now.
Posted by: The Christian Cynic | September 5, 2009 9:07 PM
Also, talk about a raging false dichotomy: Catholics vs. "worldly people"?
Posted by: The Christian Cynic | September 5, 2009 9:11 PM
Pics or it didn't happen.
Posted by: Azkyroth | September 6, 2009 4:13 AM
we're not afraid to call in God to give us a helping hand in the bedroom. Literally.
Which hand does he use?
Posted by: Jeff Eyges | September 6, 2009 4:09 PM