Ed Brayton is a journalist, commentator and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. It's also one that the serious wingnuts go crazy about - which may well be why it's my favorite holiday. The CBN website has one of the funniest anti-Halloween screeds I've ever seen from a "prophet" named Kimberly Daniels (seriously, her bio actually says she is a "recognized prophetic voice" - recognized by the same credulous ignorami who think Pat Robertson can leg press 2000 pounds and that he can pray away hurricanes).
Get ready for some weapons grade crazy:
During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.
At what point, exactly, do these witches "pray over" candy? At the factory? In the wholesale warehouses? At the store level?
The danger of Halloween is not in the scary things we see but in the secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes. These activities include:* Sex with demons
* Orgies between animals and humans
* Animal and human sacrifices
* Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
* Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
* Revel nights
* Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
* Release of "time-released" curses against the innocent and the ignorant.
Okay, I gotta know where this woman parties for Halloween. I've been to a lot of Halloween parties and I've never seen any of these things. I must be hanging out with the wrong crowd, man.
Politics
Comments
I couldn't write this with a straight face even if I tried.
Of course we pray over candy because it's so damn good to eat. It's not hard to figure out madam.
I wonder if one of those parties involves Glenn Beck? He wouldn't need a costume; he could be the blood spraying founation. From his eyes of course.....allegedly.
And what the hell is Revel Rights? Isn't that a church group or something?
Posted by: Gregory Weagle | October 30, 2009 9:29 AM
Let me guess...she watched Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and thought it was a documentary. And she probably listened to a bunch of kids one-upping each other with ridiculous stories and giggling their asses off, and thought that was true too. Because as we all know, innocent little children never get such terrible ideas into their heads unless someone else puts them there.
I find it frankly bizarre that the people who cry loudest about protecting our precious delicate children, are the most brittle and childlike adults. Any child who actually believes such nonsense would be quickly corrected by the mockery of other kids.
And yes, us Pagans would have to pray over the candy at the factory. Once it gets distributed to wholesalers, there's not enough of us to cover all the ground. (Hint: don't buy German chocolate; it's prayed over by SOCIALIST witches.)
Posted by: Raging Bee | October 30, 2009 9:31 AM
I think Ed inadvertently left out the link to the referenced article, here it is. The entertainment value contained therein easily justifies reading the entire article.
I'd argue it's destined to be a Halloween classic, Halloween's Christmas Carol. This article also strongly argues that Poe's are becoming increasingly difficult to execute when you're up against material like this.
Posted by: Michael Heath | October 30, 2009 9:31 AM
It's done at store level; all those Wiccans trying to liven up those dull retail jobs, y'know.
For the curious, although CBN appears to have yanked the piece from their original location (perhaps due to the mockery spreading the blogosphere? or perhaps the massive heresy incidentally within?), Google's cache indicates it was reprinted; the full article can still be found here from the original source.
Posted by: abb3w | October 30, 2009 9:36 AM
Revel nights? Everything else on that list sounds like fun.
Posted by: JLO | October 30, 2009 9:46 AM
Hysterical article she's got there: except she got the origin of the holiday wrong.
Posted by: Spidergrackle | October 30, 2009 9:51 AM
These activities are always promised and never come to reality. It's the same as the flying cars and personal jetpacks folks the 1960s Weekly Readers promised us we'd have by now.
Reality is so f****g disappointing at times.
Posted by: dean | October 30, 2009 9:54 AM
Satan's latest trend preys on the unwanted and ugly. Those who don't play sports and shun the kind smiles of their attractive schoolmates and co-workers. These Acolytes of darkness call themselves, "Wiccans." They are creatures of the night and pale of skin. They adorn their gelatinous, malformed bodies with the silver piercings of sacrilege. They cover their shame with tattoos, inked in Satan's saliva! They are best hunted in the Autumn months. For it is then when Wiccans loose themselves from their mildewed apartments of technical hibernation and run naked through our woodlands and clearings in search of a mate, and demonic fellowship with the Prince of Darkness - Lucifer himself! The next few weeks will test Jesus' strength as Satan celebrates his birthday, but I'm sure with our help, Jesus will prevail. Be on the lookout for elevated activities amongst Witches, Wiccas, Emos, Goths, Homers, and folks who use ipods.
PS I forgot about Demoncrats, Wal-Mart (for selling Helloween paraphernalia) and Metallica fans, etc...
__________________
Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
Posted by: TRUECRISTIAN | October 30, 2009 9:56 AM
Revel was the name of the maker of model airplanes when I was a kid, so the revels probably refers to the inadvertent glue sniffing I did while trying desperately to put the windows on my B-52 without smearing all that glue. Damn windows. Wheels too. I struggled for years to assemble those wheels so that they moved.
And the candy worship is spot on. The females in my house go absolutely batty when they discover I've hidden their candy. Of course this happens every full moon, not just at Halloween. Maybe that is part of the time-release thing.
This woman needs a padded cell and lots and lots of candy!
Posted by: MikeMa | October 30, 2009 9:57 AM
Link?
Posted by: Russell | October 30, 2009 9:58 AM
After reading the entire article it has to be a spoof. It is stunning an adult human being could think like this.
Very funny, made me laugh out loud.
Posted by: GH | October 30, 2009 9:58 AM
"During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities."
Can you imagine Satan in hell with a clipboard, calling out names and assignments...."OK, Asmodeus, you take the Lockhurst Elementary School party at lunch on Friday. Try to get the kids all riled up with sugar highs, OK? Maybe get one or two to talk back to the teacher."
Posted by: Adrienne | October 30, 2009 10:03 AM
CBN has removed it; doncha know that reading blog posts about demons opens doors that lead to the destruction of the innocent? And don't even get me started on that awful Charlie Brown and his encouragement of Great Pumpkin worship. Totally Satanic, man.
Find the original article here:
http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/prophetic-insight/23723-the-danger-of-celebrating-halloween?showall=1
Happy Halloween, my pagan brethren!
Posted by: threetorches | October 30, 2009 10:04 AM
Okay, I tried to look it up but found nothing. What the hell is a Revel Night?
Posted by: dogmeatib | October 30, 2009 10:06 AM
CBN removed that blog post, but another Christian ministry was nice enough to repeat it: http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/prophetic-insight/23723-the-danger-of-celebrating-halloween?showall=1
Posted by: Adrienne | October 30, 2009 10:08 AM
Oh, and my favorite comment below the post:
SororZDS23 2009-10-30 08:44
Dear Kimberly, This reads like a Discordian parody-- a great piece of post-modern Occult literature. Congrats.
Too true!
Posted by: threetorches | October 30, 2009 10:10 AM
Anyone else have the urge to send her candy?
Posted by: dogmeatib | October 30, 2009 10:12 AM
Hell yea it's fun JLO, assuming she talking about the same kind of sky-clad dancing and cavorting I remember. Heck, between my Wiccan phase and my goth phase I'd done five out of eight of those before I graduated high school. Six if you count witches as demons. Though I'll admit a couple of them only get checkmarks on technicalities. Anyway, a good old-fashioned revel night is the one I'd recommend most.
Ed, I’m sad you’ve been so deprived of depravity.
Posted by: Abby Normal | October 30, 2009 10:20 AM
* Sex with demons -- SEX!
* Orgies between animals and humans -- SEX!
* Animal and human sacrifices -- BLOOD!
* Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood -- BLOOD!
* Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies -- SEX!
* Revel nights -- SEX!
* Conjuring of demons and casting of spells -- MAGIC!
* Release of "time-released" curses against the innocent and the ignorant. -- MAGIC!
Could there be a pattern here? If so, what might be deduced about the things that are important to Kimberly and her cohorts?
Posted by: Crudely Wrott | October 30, 2009 10:22 AM
And who do the witches pray to?
Posted by: MartyM | October 30, 2009 10:24 AM
I've been to a few Halloween parties myself and never experienced any of that stuff. Of course I went dressed as Alex P. Keaton. The closest I can think of is a friend who once dressed as an erection. Wrapped himself neck to toes in Saran Wrap, wore a bald cap with a black line drawn in at the top, drew veins on the plastice with a Sharpie. The best part was the balls. He duct taped two basketballs to his ankles and then pasted costume wig hair all over them and his shins. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen, although he said it was somewhat confining during the course of the party.
Posted by: chris | October 30, 2009 10:33 AM
@19:
Hmmmmm, blood, sex, magik?
You left out the sugar...
Posted by: NJ | October 30, 2009 10:36 AM
chris: "confining" is right -- it's much harder either to dance or get laid when you're dressed as an erection. Is that ironic or what?
Posted by: Raging Bee | October 30, 2009 10:39 AM
Wow, she thinks demons and the Devil are really REALLY stupid:
Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.
and
The devil is too stupid to understand that Jesus is the Lord of the Harvest 365 days a year.
Which makes me wonder, if the Devil and his minions are so stupid, why are Christians so afraid of them? You would think Jesus wouldn't have to fight Satan in the Last Days, as Satan would eventually do himself in due to his own stupidity and bad judgement.
And I can't help wondering....who's dumber, your average demon or Michele Bachmann?
Posted by: Adrienne | October 30, 2009 10:42 AM
TRUECRISTIAN is either:
a) totally fucking insane;
b) one of our funniest Poes;
c) one of CBN's most trusted informants; or
d) all of the above.
Posted by: Raging Bee | October 30, 2009 10:44 AM
MartyM@20:
And who do the witches pray to?
It would have to be Satan, right? Even if it's a prayer addressed to Mother Earth or the Harvest Lord or the Corn King or Lord Voldemort, it still all comes down to Satan in the end.
Posted by: Adrienne | October 30, 2009 10:44 AM
Given that one of these things doesn't exist, could we vote to decide which? Personally I'd vote for the demon to be real, from what I can tell, they'd be less of a disaster.
Posted by: dogmeatib | October 30, 2009 10:48 AM
I'm calling Poe on truechristian.
Posted by: dean | October 30, 2009 10:51 AM
That article must have originated with The Onion. It's just not humanly possible, short of serious mental illness, that anyone could believe that stuff.
Ohhhh....nevermind.
Posted by: Mandrake | October 30, 2009 11:02 AM
Orgies with animals? Oh my stars & garters I am so glad we have German Shepherds. Don't want them too tight. No wonder why the fundies up the road are so frigging puckered - they have a dachshund.
Thank Dormammu - my kids and I can read the Harry Potter books we have and chant the spells together....
I wonder what sick psycho thoughts I was having when I bought my wife chocolate golf balls for her ritual sacrifices before she (attempts to) play.
The astute reader will recognise my subtle invocations of Marvel Comic's Beast and Doctor Strange....Heh heh heh.
Posted by: Pineyman | October 30, 2009 11:02 AM
Replace "animals" with "children" and you have the normal anti-gay right wing talking points the rest of the year. Someone just did a find and replace for halloween...
Posted by: yoshi | October 30, 2009 11:05 AM
Truechristian -
First time I ever heard JC referred to as a laxative.
Posted by: Pineyman | October 30, 2009 11:07 AM
Another salvo in the War on Halloween. First it was Obama's Halloween (Malkin and Limbaugh). Now this.
Fortunately, those of us who live outside the USA are safe from the Satanic forces of Halloween revelry, and (alas) the bewitched mini-Snickers and accursed orange-and-black M&Ms.
And exactly how are "time released" curses different from "imprecatory" prayers. Is one good, 'cause Goddoesit, and the other bad, 'cause Satandoesit?
Posted by: wheatdogg | October 30, 2009 11:13 AM
Abby -
Can we hang together? I was goth before it existed. I went to a RC High School and loved reading my paperback copy of "The History of Torture" in front of the nuns. Drove 'em apeshit.
Posted by: Pineyman | October 30, 2009 11:15 AM
It's common in atheist circles to refer to all religion as superstition. This makes it hard to make distinctions, but I have to say that some religion, at least, goes above and beyond in that department. When your claims about demonic activity begin to sound like an excerpt from the AD&D monster manual....
Posted by: Eamon Knight | October 30, 2009 11:19 AM
@ Eamon:
Jesus saves!... and takes half damage?
Posted by: Adrian W. | October 30, 2009 11:26 AM
Sounds like someone got one too many pennies in her goodie bag as a child.
Posted by: MM | October 30, 2009 11:34 AM
Eamon, didn't you know that AD&D is so 1980s/early-90s? (WTF's THAC0? Why would you want a negative AC? Why do wizards level up slower than thieves or clerics? I mean, the world wants to know! ... or maybe not so much...) Now it's D&D 4th Edition!
Adrian, as far as I could remember, enchantment/charm spells didn't carry half-damage options, either had no save or had no effect after a successful save. Some mass enchantments allowed the possibility of making periodic saving throws in order to shake off the effect (kinda like shaking off religion).
Posted by: Umlud | October 30, 2009 12:09 PM
MM #37: If that's the case, I can muster up some small amount of sympathy for her. There was one lady who gave out nickels on our block; we learned to avoid her house.
I am always curious to see how many of the wingnuts are actually clinically mentally ill; how big is that center section of the Venn diagram?
Posted by: chancelikely | October 30, 2009 12:10 PM
Adrian, of course, it's less likely that Jesus would be making a save against an enchantment/charm spell, but more likely an invocation/evocation one, so half-damage would be more appropriate... But against what, that old stand-by of every decent wizard: magic missile?
[/geekitude]
Posted by: Umlud | October 30, 2009 12:10 PM
@Mandrake #29...Oh, there are people out there who believe things like that. A few years ago I dressed for Halloween and had someone I knew at school (well enough to know that she was completely serious) walk up to me and tell me that by wearing a costume for Halloween, I was "supporting Satanism and baby-killing".
I asked her who had told her that, and her answer was "My pastor." I just rolled my eyes, told her her pastor was wrong, and went on my way.
Posted by: Elaine | October 30, 2009 12:18 PM
Exactly.
If you should choose to risk your sanity by delving into fundy culture a bit (or if you'd rather have an expert handle it for you with the proper safety procedures, check out Fred Clark's "Left Behind" archive at Slacktivist), you'll find a lot of examples where the behavior of God isn't qualitatively different from the behavior of Satan - unless God is being more capricious and cruel - but it's treated as a good thing, because anything God does is righteous by definition.
It's an attitude that carries over into other areas of their lives.
Posted by: Seraph | October 30, 2009 12:19 PM
I think TRUECHRISTIAN's last line("Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.") gives him/her away as a Poe, but you can never be completely sure.
These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them...
I had no idea that having a fetish for opening doors could be so dangerous, just a tad embarrassing.
Release of "time-released" curses against... the ignorant.
No wonder the Christian Right is scared!
Posted by: Emily | October 30, 2009 12:21 PM
I think nowadays the praying is done by machine. Witch bots if you will. Much more efficient that way. (Would like to see this on "How it's made").
Posted by: Brian H | October 30, 2009 12:35 PM
#22, beat me to it...
perfect Halloween song!
Blood sugar sucker fish
In my dish
How many pieces
Do you wish
Posted by: ildi | October 30, 2009 12:37 PM
I'm having to deal with this kind of crap right now. Our new neighbors are of that mindset, and their kids (ages 7 and 5) took it upon themselves to tell my kid (7) that Halloween is only for "bad people", thus insinuating that we are "bad people" because we enjoy Halloween. Even though my kid disagrees with them, he was still very hurt (to the point of tears) by their comments. Once I pointed out that since they don't celebrate Halloween it means more candy for us, he cheered up rather quickly.
D&D 4th Edition is too cumbersome for my taste. Gimme Pathfinder (D&D 3.75) any day :)
Posted by: Jyotsana | October 30, 2009 12:38 PM
"weapons grade crazy"
That's a keeper
Posted by: Freedonian | October 30, 2009 12:39 PM
From the article:
There is nothing holy about Halloween, says Kimberly. And then she goes off to explain that the "hallow" in Halloween means, basically, "holy". As Ren (of Ren & Stimpy) would say, "You iiii-diot!"
Posted by: Monimonika | October 30, 2009 12:45 PM
This woman is so far from mainstream chistianity, I don't think she can see it anymore. Growing up Lutheran, we used to have Halloween parties in sunday school and wear our costumes to church. Not special church costumes either, there were witches, ghosts and stuff like that. I remember seeing our male pastor deliver a sermon dressed as the Church Lady from SNL.
Posted by: katydid13 | October 30, 2009 12:56 PM
AD&D. You guys are so old fashioned. Hackmaster is where it's at.
Posted by: Pineyman | October 30, 2009 12:56 PM
I would pay extra for some halloween candy "dedicated and prayed over by witches." (Do they make house calls?)
Rt
Posted by: Roadtripper | October 30, 2009 1:17 PM
@29, 46, 49: My best friend as a child's dad was way way out there born again. He insisted that Halloween was a pagen holiday, and therefore evil. So his kids weren't allowed to go trick-or-treating. Nope, they got to hand out candy to the rest of us. Because that's really fair to your 8-year-old.
Posted by: JustaTech | October 30, 2009 1:21 PM
@12: That fits right in with C.S. Lewis's picture of hell as a gigantic corporation!
Also, @6: I'm totally going souling on Halloween instead of trick-or-treating one of these years.
Posted by: KKairos | October 30, 2009 1:30 PM
"My best friend as a child's dad was way way out there born again. He insisted that Halloween was a pagen holiday, and therefore evil."
This reminds me, it's time to dig out my DVD of "Carrie".
"I can see your
dirty pillowsMars bars".Posted by: Rick R | October 30, 2009 1:40 PM
katydid-
This variety of crazy is alive and well in SW Ohio. Especially among the pentecostals/baptists. I know of a number of churches that put on alternative festivities for their flocks on Halloween.
I'm sure it's probably even more common further south where baptists/pentecostals are more prevalent. My best friend's dad was a Lutheran pastor and I always got the impression that Lutherans were generally a little more liberal.
Posted by: havoc | October 30, 2009 1:54 PM
@38: Eamon, didn't you know that AD&D is so 1980s/early-90s?
Since I was playing about 10 years earlier than that, no ;-). Still have the books and a few nicely-painted pewter figures, packed away somewhere. I think my younger son (22yo) is getting into it a little.
Posted by: Eamon Knight | October 30, 2009 1:56 PM
Wow! That is some serious crazy Kim Daniels is spewing. Was the original post written in excrement? There's a suggestion for Apple. Fecal font for your truly insane screeds. Though her article did remind me that I have to stop by the local hospital and pick up my order. I'm having a little get together tomorrow night with a few friends and I need some suggestions for side dishes for baby roast.
Posted by: Green thumb | October 30, 2009 2:02 PM
Someone has been watching their Buffy DVDs way too much.
Posted by: Ian | October 30, 2009 2:14 PM
Roadtripper: I would pay extra for some halloween candy "dedicated and prayed over by witches." (Do they make house calls?)
Try putting an ad on your local Craigslist.
Posted by: abb3w | October 30, 2009 2:24 PM
I'm reasonably certain that True Cristian is satirizing the fundamentalist Christian mindset. I wouldn't even call him a Poe, because I don't get the sense that he/she is trying to pass as a "true Cristian (sic)."
Posted by: Sadie Morrison | October 30, 2009 2:25 PM
It's the "time-released curses" part that really does it for me. I just have an image of a curse quietly fizzing away like an Alka-Seltzer and then suddenly...whammo! Curse all over the place.
Posted by: Cobwebs | October 30, 2009 2:33 PM
CBN removed that blog post
Thus answering the question: "Can God make crazy so big that even Pat Robetson can't pick it up?"
Posted by: John Pieret | October 30, 2009 3:09 PM
Time released curses?
What, did they only add it to the grape layer of the gobstopper?
Posted by: ABradford | October 30, 2009 3:17 PM
Elaine@41: I...I...it just boggles the mind. It's one thing to say that Halloween is evil, Satan worship blah blah blah...but "time-released curses"? Last night, I took a time-released mucous-thinner to make my cough more productive, but now I can time release curses? Sex with demons and sacrificing babies? This sounds like someone's writing a parody. I suppose I'm naive, but I'm just incredulous that people believe this crap to such an extent.
Speaking of AD&D (well, some people were speaking of it), last night my 10-year old daughter asked to see my D&D books. I also showed her the dice, the little painted pewter figures, some modules, maps, etc. I enjoyed the walk down memory lane more than she cared to hear about it. She was pretty impressed with the four-sided dice, however.
Posted by: Mandrake | October 30, 2009 3:30 PM
I would pay extra for some halloween candy "dedicated and prayed over by witches."
I'll ask my wife to send you some. Ba-da-boom. Thank you. I'm here until Thursday.
Posted by: Tom | October 30, 2009 3:30 PM
For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.
On the serious side (wink, wink, grin, grin), if this is truly a problem why don't Christians just go into the stores and pray over the candy? Wouldn't that make the candy safe again? After all, isn't god more powerful than satan? Or do the candy companies use god-proof wrappers?
Posted by: Tom | October 30, 2009 3:36 PM
(o.O)
From the comments, by a certain Richard Bligdon :
"There are 3 things this article proves beyond a shadow of a doubt:
1) The Bible is true -it said "in the last days will come SCOFFERS" and this comment board is FULL OF THEM!
Go ahead: laugh all you want,mock this woman and God,but you day of judegement is coming -sooner than you think -better REPENT ! Yeshua(Jesus) is the ONLY way of salvation!
Witches =the devil knows who you are and so does YHWH!
2)It's later than you think! All we hear about now is "The New World Order."
btw: The Swine Vaccine contains the "Verichip" look it up.It's "the mark of the beast."
3) "Christians" and especially Pastors are asleep!
Wake up!
Get back to prayer and the word,the Bible,stop mocking this woman and get cleaned up!Time is up!"
Posted by: BdN | October 30, 2009 3:39 PM
katydid13 @ 49:
That is some grade A awesome right there.
@ Pineyman 34
Absolutely! Though I'm afraid my days of hard-core debauchery are mostly in the past. These days the occasional moonlit skinny-dip is about as risqué as it gets. This year’s Halloween celebration is just me and a friend or three with some wine and a DVD marathon of wonderful B-movies, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, Bucket of Blood, Death Proof, and Planet Terror.
Posted by: Abby Normal | October 30, 2009 3:39 PM
Is BdN the same as the poster Richard Bligdon from the other board. If so, thanks Dick, you are truly entertaining!
Posted by: Tom | October 30, 2009 3:56 PM
Ignore that last comment. Sorry BdN... it's been a long week!
Posted by: Tom | October 30, 2009 3:57 PM
@Tom
Nah, that's alright! I just reposted it because it shows how their readership is as insane as the writers !
And I just don't get why this particular person keeps saying that it's not about the candies but about Halloween when people ask for proof of witches doing so... And he dares saying that he is the one with logic...
Posted by: BdN | October 30, 2009 4:10 PM
They could pour holy water on the Pixie Stix and make Beelzebub flavored Kool-Aid. Or Kook-Aid.
Posted by: Mandrake | October 30, 2009 4:17 PM
Demon-infested candy? Sounds like my kind of treat!
:: wolfs down fun-size Kit Kats ::
Seriously, this essay is beyond deranged. Unless it's a Poe hoax, I hope no one takes that sort of nonsense seriously.
Posted by: Angie | October 30, 2009 4:40 PM
Why does everyone think that the timed-release curses are so unbelievable?
Curses are supernaturally transmitted, so it's hard to get solid evidence that they've been cast. But if curses took place at the moment of casting, then we'd see an abrupt rise in accidents and misfortune happening every Halloween Night. The police would just need to collect statistics about the victims and their time zones, and they'd have a solid basis for further investigation.
The animated documentary "Death Note" shows just how much information a skilled investigation team can gather in this sort of situation.
Putting a random time delay on the curses makes it impossible to collect good statistics.
Posted by: chaos_engineer | October 30, 2009 5:46 PM
Halloween is, frankly, unAmerican. The kids should be willing to pay whatever price the market will bear. Giving away free candy just distorts the market.
Posted by: Modusoperandi | October 30, 2009 7:05 PM
They really, really are this crazy. I asked last weekend if the Oxfam shop volunteers working tomorrow would be dressing up (apropos of us all clowning around with donated masks in the stock-room), and one of my colleagues went into a rant about how dressing up for Halloween was "worshipping the devil". I tried to ask where that idea had come from without offending him, and he just kept repeating it as fact. The boy is a little simple, but not really thick enough to excuse that sort of trusting naivety; but because an authority figure (presumably a parent, clergyman, teacher, or journalist!) told him it was so, he believed it hard, and nothing I could say could convince him otherwise. From someone who'd been wearing an elephant mask while he did his homework, this was hilarious, but also frustrating in the extreme because he isn't a bad kid (just very gullible and a bit priggish).
Posted by: stripey_cat | October 30, 2009 7:16 PM
'bee, after posting this on the HRC thread:
That's just too damn funny for TRUECRISTIAN [sic] not to be a Poe.
Posted by: dogmeatib | October 30, 2009 7:52 PM
Kimberly Daniels knows demons exist. Demons have cursed her, forcing her to feel all funny and moist.
Not all the time, of course. Just when she thinks about those bad women having sex with them.
Posted by: Molly, NYC | October 30, 2009 9:38 PM
Adrienne's comment @ 24:
"Which makes me wonder, if the Devil and his minions are so stupid, why are Christians so afraid of them? You would think Jesus wouldn't have to fight Satan in the Last Days, as Satan would eventually do himself in due to his own stupidity and bad judgement."
leads me to this thought.
Maybe Robertson's Huckstervision could do a cartoon show (Matt Groening could consult) where Jesus and Satan go at it every saturday morning. Jesus would be the "Roadrunner" to Satan's "Wile E. Coyote". Only there would be lots worse things than anvils raining down on poor Satan's head.
Posted by: democommie | October 30, 2009 10:28 PM
"Okay, I tried to look it up but found nothing. What the hell is a Revel Night?"
Posted by: dogmeatib @ 14
I assume she means a night of revelry. She's probably thinking promiscuous sex with demons, inbibing of alcohol and other drugs and loud, demented laughter. 'Revelry' is stuff you do at a good party: lots of laughing, some dancing, some singing in big groups, probably songs with naughty words and gestures, buxom lasses sitting in laps and big beer steins, the mardi gras ... stuff like that.
Posted by: Katkinkate | October 30, 2009 11:00 PM
Well, I was in Wicca. I can tell you that we didn't engage in any orgies, or curse any Halloween candy, or have sex with Fido, or conjure up any demons, or place any curses on my obnoxious neighbors. Geez, and to think that I could have summoned Beelzebub to scare the living shit out of the snots who threw stones at my house! Do I feel ripped off! ;-)
Posted by: Kristine | October 30, 2009 11:54 PM
The wrong crowd being people who listen when told not to drink the bong water?
Posted by: Azkyroth | October 31, 2009 1:28 AM
Conservatives should be for Halloween, as it gives their kids practice pretending to be something they're not, which will come in handy when they grow up and have to pretend that they're straight.
Posted by: Modusoperandi | October 31, 2009 1:52 AM
Dogmeatib/Raging Bee, TC has been playing this for a long time. He gets around, too. He has been posting like this for a couple years that I know of, at alt.atheism, Atheism vs Christianity, etc.
Posted by: trog69 | October 31, 2009 1:54 AM
Daniels drives around in a "Demon Buster Mobile" (shades of Scooby Doo) and was ordained by John Eckhardt, a man who warns that "cities are affected by demonic forces residing in the water". I've done some digging here.
Posted by: Bartholomew | October 31, 2009 5:14 AM
But I bet he's opposed to fluoridation.
The weather is not looking good for the Bible Burning later on today. Heavy rain all afternoon and evening. What is God trying to say?
Posted by: kehrsam | October 31, 2009 7:12 AM
Abby were I not stuck at the arse end of Earth I'd soooo be there!
Katkinkate See my comment to Abby above!
Wouldn't a Ravel Night require the playing of "Bolero" several million times or something?? :D -DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | October 31, 2009 9:17 AM
I sometimes think that what really pisses off these fanatics about Halloween and all the actual celebrating parts of Christmas is that they are yearly reminders that 80% of Christian practices are nothing more than modern versions of the polytheist religions native to Europe long before Christianity even existed. Then I remind myself that most of them aren't nearly well-educated enough to know that, and that they're probably just parroting whatever some egomaniac in a dress standing on a podium yelled at them once.
Jeez, religion's weird, ain't it?
Posted by: Julian | October 31, 2009 9:58 AM
In this tough economy, pity the candy cursing witch. Her job is totally unnecessary, she knows that being laid off is only a matter of time, and confectionery maladiction only looks good on a resume until they ask what it means.
Posted by: Jay | October 31, 2009 6:29 PM
"In this tough economy, pity the candy cursing witch. Her job is totally unnecessary, she knows that being laid off is only a matter of time, and confectionery maladiction only looks good on a resume until they ask what it means."
Jay -- the funniest line of the whole lot!
Posted by: Mrs_H | October 31, 2009 6:51 PM
One of these crazies - I can't remember which one - was complaining about children going around "begging". That's what really bothers them - that the kids are being indoctrinated with socialism. "You want a candy bar? Get a job and work for it!"
Posted by: Jeff Eyges | November 1, 2009 6:59 AM
This kind of belief in widespread satanic cult activity is common among conservative Christians. I have been to evangelical churches that preach like this year round -not just at Halloween. I thought this was local insanity but its pretty easy to find stories like this post on the web.
Posted by: ray | November 1, 2009 11:48 AM
Maybe true, maybe not. But anything that is scary in nature - i don't let my children have anything to do with it. But "it's trick and treat", you say, it's just all fun... well, maybe we can think of something else that is funny & soothing & enjoyable to do as a family during that day...
Posted by: Property Management Chicago | November 2, 2009 2:11 AM
"Maybe true, maybe not. But anything that is scary in nature - i don't let my children have anything to do with it."
Posted by: Property Management Chicago | November 2, 2009 2:11 AM
Glad to hear it! I take it your not letting them read that scary book about wizardry and demons, then, y'know--THE BIBLE?
Posted by: democommie | November 2, 2009 7:12 AM
"What's that kids? Hurricane Katrina bearing down on us with wind gusts of over 250 miles per hour? Enough to over top the levees, flooding the city you say? Lack of food and water, roaming gangs of looters?
Nah that's too scary for you little mites to experience, let's just sit here in the storm's path, play a nice family game of Parcheesi and hope it all goes away."
I got news for you Real Estate Genius, life is scary sometimes, and sheltering your kids from it is cruel and foolish, one could almost say it's reckless endangerment of a minor. - DJ
Posted by: DingoJack | November 2, 2009 7:57 AM
Daniels has this thing all backwards. Instead of insulting the non-Christian holidays, she should do what others have done with other holidays: let people keep celebrating them, but give them a Christian twist. It worked really well Christmas and Easter, and there's a good effort going to take over Thanksgiving. She should just insist that mini Snickers are just like communion wafers, and in a few decades, no one will even remember that Halloween was a secular holiday.
Posted by: catgirl | November 2, 2009 5:05 PM
catgirl: that's kinda what the Christians already did to Halloween: the Celts had said Samhain was the time when the veil between this world and the Otherworld was thinnest; so the Christians turned that around and said it was the time when evil spirits walked the Earth, so kids had to wear costumes to confuse the evil spirits who would otherwise cause them to eat their baby siblings and have sex with demons or whatever.
Why this generation of Christians had to give up that tactic is beyond me. My guess is ignorance and bigotry: this generation is so simpleminded they can't even handle their own propaganda, let alone the truth.
Posted by: Raging Bee | November 2, 2009 5:16 PM
Posted by: James Hanley | November 2, 2009 5:21 PM