Ed Brayton is a journalist, commentator and speaker. He is the co-founder and president of 
Andrew Breitbart may not agree with Joseph Farah on the birther stuff, but like Farah he thinks giving weekly columns to monumentally stupid washed up celebrities is a great idea. Farah has Pat Boone and Chuck Norris; Breitbart has Victoria Jackson, whose inane blatherings actually make Boone and Norris sound like Pulitzer material.
You really have to see the latest bit of insanity from her. Rahm Emanuel, you see, is the devil. Because he used the dreaded F word.
Rahm Emanuel. (I'm shaking my head slowly). It's not his real name you know. "Emmanuel" means "God with us" and that is not his real name. It's Auerbach. Look it up. And...Rahm means "high" or "lofty." Mark Levin calls him "the creepy ballerina." I think he looks like the devil. I'm just saying. He talks like the devil. I'm sure you heard that he called the Democrats "F--ing retards." Everyone got mad at the Retard word and no one got mad at the "F" word. My dad said that people only make fun of the reproductive and excretory systems of the human body and no one should because God made the human body and it is a masterpiece.What is it with all these people throwing the "F" word around like a basketball?
I never heard the word until I was about 23 and entering show business. Show business people say it all the time. It's vulgar and stupid. It's what kids on the playground say to prove they are tough because they are really insecure. My brother said it comes from the German word "fricktin" - to plow.
For crying out loud, this woman was on SNL. And made a movie with Andrew Dice Clay.
And it gets worse, as she recounts a conversation with her daughter (yes, this idiot has already reproduced):
My daughter when she was 8 asked me if she was allowed to say F-A-R-T. I said, "Absolutely not. Even if we weren't Christians, it is not lady like. Besides, when do you ever need to say it? When someone does one you are supposed to pretend you didn't smell or hear it. That's polite.""Pleasssse Mommy," she pleaded. "Everybody says it. Even my teachers."
"Well, we don't say it. We say Putt Putt. Aubbie is a nut. She has a rubber butt. And every time she turns around it goes putt putt. My Mom taught me that."
"What?! Everyone would make fun of me if I said that."
"Why do you have to be like everyone? Why don't you be a trendsetter? Call it a razzamatazz. I bet everyone will copy you. But, wait, when do you have to say this?"
"Jasmine talks about it all the time."
"Oh. Jasmine who stole your lunch money and talks about sex?"
"Can I say Fert?"
I finally said, "Honey, if you start with the bad words, like F-A-R-T, it leads to F-U-C-K and that leads to cigarettes, and that leads to alcohol, and that leads to pot, then coke, and then heroin."
"Mommy, you think if I say Fert, I will become a heroin addict."
"Yep...or worse, Rahm Emanuel. Good Night!"
The scary part: That bit of stupidity got 183 comments, most of them full of praise. Yikes.
Politics
Comments
The Limies call it breaking wind.
Posted by: SLC | February 24, 2010 9:12 AM
So there's an actual entity responsible for inciting all the evil in the world, and he happens to look and talk like Rahm Emmanuel... and Victoria Jackson would know because she's apparently a close personal friend of the former.
Teaching your child not to say "fart" is silly and prudish. Teaching them to recite that inane rhyme is cruel and unhinged.
Ms. Jackson seems totally oblivious to the fact she just got owned by an 8 year-old.
Posted by: DaveL | February 24, 2010 9:13 AM
poor old potato day Breitbart got to throw a bitch fit at CPAC
http://crooksandliars.com/david-neiwert/comedy-gold-andrew-acorn-promotes-pi
Posted by: Naughtius Maximus | February 24, 2010 9:18 AM
I think Jackson was trying to be humorous. This isn't insanity so much as a swing-and-a-miss in the comedy writing department.
Posted by: Taz | February 24, 2010 9:25 AM
I am just going to ignore the patent stupidity of the contents of her post and go straight to the point. Is there any reason that we should not change the word "fart" to "razzamatazz?" Even if this woman is delusional, that is one awesome idea.
Posted by: Jeff | February 24, 2010 9:26 AM
But the German for "to plough" is pflügen.
Posted by: Philbert | February 24, 2010 9:27 AM
OK, I did. According to Wikipedia, his father was Benjamin Emanuel, so Rahm has been an Emanuel since birth.
His father, as it turns out, was originally Benhamin Auerbach, but changed his last name in honor of his brother Emanuel Auerbach.
So we have a presumably legal name change, and then a kid later born to that name. So how exactly is it not Rahm Emanuel's "real" name? Rahm has a son--is Emanual not his son's real last name? How many generations have to go by before it counts as a real last name?
I think the answer is the same as the answer to how many conservatives can speak for five minutes without winning a dumbass quote of the day award.
Posted by: James Hanley | February 24, 2010 9:38 AM
Hanley: Thanks for the fact-check. I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised, after so many birthers managed to confuse Barack Obama with HIS father.
@2: Teaching your child not to say "fart" is silly and prudish. Teaching them to recite that inane rhyme is cruel and unhinged.
I believe it's also part of a (cruel and unhinged) strategy of preventing her daughter from fitting in with other kids who would pollute her little head with foreign ideas and help her to think independently of her parents' idiotic mindset. I hear a lot about hyper-religious wackaloons doing this sort of thing to their kids, and showing no shame about it at all.
Posted by: Raging Bee | February 24, 2010 9:50 AM
Then... Victoria really is that way...? Not acting?
Posted by: Reverend Rodney | February 24, 2010 9:59 AM
She should teach her child the Lewis Black Fuck song:
Don't say fuck, Don't say fuck, Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
He said fuck, she said fuck, you can say fuck too
Posted by: uknesvuinng | February 24, 2010 10:08 AM
Wait, you can say "butt", but not "fart"? Shouldn't she use "Satan's hidey-hole" instead of butt?
This does seem like a lame attempt at humor, kind of like Erma Bombeck, in the sense they are both putrid and rotting.
Posted by: Andrew | February 24, 2010 10:08 AM
Idiot Jackson was in Casual Sex. Presumably she can reconcile her earlier outrageous behavior in doing such an un-christian movie. Her poor kid ought to be able to say fart.
Posted by: MikeMa | February 24, 2010 10:10 AM
And here I thought that pot was the gateway drug. Turns out it was "fart" all this time.
Posted by: Imrryr | February 24, 2010 10:18 AM
Ihrer Deutsche ist nicht sehr gut. 'Fricktin' is not a German word, no more than 'Fuktid' or 'Nekkid' is an English word. However, 'fucktard' should be a word. As used in the following situtation.
Person 1: 'At least Victoria Jackson helps out starving children in Africa.'
Person 2: 'No, you're thinking of Sally Struthers.'
Person 1: 'Is she the chick that's married to that soccer player?'
Person 2: 'No that Victoria Beckham'
Person 1, 'Then is she that crazy sister of Michael Jackson.'
Person 2. 'No that's Tito Jackson.'
Person 1. 'Then who the hell is Victoria Jackson?'
Person 2. 'Just some fucktard.'
Posted by: holytape | February 24, 2010 10:29 AM
I remember I learned to say fnck before fart. Well, I knew the word 'truck', and like all little kids I started to rhyme. If only I had stopped at the word 'duck', I wouldn't have this cocaine and heroin habit. I once said the commonly repeated line 'Fnck the fncking fnckers." And developed a meth addiction instantly. To which I said, 'G*d fncking-d*mn it." You don't even want to know what foul perversions I have to deal with now.
Posted by: Holytape | February 24, 2010 10:36 AM
Posted by: highnumber | February 24, 2010 10:39 AM
Best comment over there, from someone named MrJM:
Posted by: James Hanley | February 24, 2010 10:39 AM
Ya got trouble with a capital T, and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool!
Posted by: Ivan | February 24, 2010 10:42 AM
This can't be real, she didn't hear someone say "fuck" until 23? I mean was she trapped in a box for the first 23 years of her life?
And yet she would spell out "fuck" to an eight year old?
Posted by: deep | February 24, 2010 10:43 AM
"Well, what about Bart?"
"Let's see... Art, Cart, Dart, Eart... nope, sounds good!"
Posted by: Morgan | February 24, 2010 10:44 AM
My question is, what is this pattern of using "celebrities" to back up what the right wants to say? Was'nt it the right that spent years telling us how awful those Hollywood types are? Now they trot out a stable of mediocre actors to regale us on their mediocre moral and political philosopy...give me a fucking break! Perhaps my favorite is the use of Charlie Sheen by the 9/11 truthers...now there is an oasis of clear thinking. We are all entitled to what we want to believe: however you do not get to make up the facts.
Posted by: fishnguy | February 24, 2010 11:14 AM
Jesus Suffering Funk, this HAS to be a Poe!
Posted by: Mill | February 24, 2010 11:15 AM
I would post a comment but this is one time that the stupid is so bright that I cant even see the keyboard.
Posted by: CybrgnX | February 24, 2010 11:25 AM
@17
Also Victoria means victory. Whereas she is a fail. Can't believe you missed that.
Posted by: Pen | February 24, 2010 11:29 AM
You did? I'm impressed, saying fn is hard enough but I've never been able to pronounce * at all. Or was the irony of avoiding swearing while mocking someone elses argument for avoiding swearing intentional?
Posted by: Matty | February 24, 2010 11:35 AM
While I remember.
all together now
Posted by: Matty | February 24, 2010 11:41 AM
While Victoria Jackson has already proven to be borderline insane and possibly even borderline mentally challenged, I have a very hard time reading the above and believing that that's genuine. She might, somewhere on the back burner of her mind, believe it, but to state it that brazenly and cavalierly (even on a wingnut website)...I don't know. That seems to go even beyond the levels of a Poe.
Oh, and regarding her claim to have been 23 when she first heard the word "fuck:" way to break one of your biblical commandments, Vicky.
Posted by: Sadie Morrison | February 24, 2010 11:47 AM
I'd like to see a debate between Victoria Jackson and Roseanne Barr. In fact I'd pay to see that as long as they served booze.
Posted by: Michael Heath | February 24, 2010 12:41 PM
My 11 y/o son calls farting "Busting a grumpy".
Posted by: Chilidog | February 24, 2010 1:13 PM
If I ever have kids I'm teaching them to say "crack your cheeks." Make them sound Shakespearean and classy.
Posted by: Philip | February 24, 2010 1:58 PM
Maybe I'm missing something, but just how is "Putt Putt. Aubbie is a nut. She has a rubber butt. And every time she turns around it goes putt putt." less insulting to the dignity of our god-given human form than a monosyllabic term for flatulence? (Incidentally, I pronounce it "f*rt"-- the * being a voiced bilabial fricative. So much more onomatopoeic that way.)
Posted by: Emily | February 24, 2010 4:12 PM
Also, I can't help noticing that the little rhyme repeatedly uses the very same vowel sound as found in "fuck". Isn't that risky?
Posted by: Emily | February 24, 2010 4:18 PM
Can someone explain to me what this "just saying" business is supposed to be about? It seems that people toss it about as a sort of get-out-criticism-free card, like your words can be held against you if you shield yourself with a "just saying."
Perhaps it's supposed to mean, "This is only a comment and I don't required you to agree with me or act upon this opinion," but that should go without (just) saying.
Posted by: Scott Hanley | February 24, 2010 4:20 PM
She disproves herself there. If it were such a masterpiece, the human brain wouldn't be able to produce such mind-boggling levels of insanity.
Posted by: Twewi | February 24, 2010 4:56 PM
@29: My 11 y/o son calls farting "Busting a grumpy".
You're a father with the alias "Chilidog." If I were you I'd be a bit suspicious about who 'grumpy' refers to. :)
Posted by: eric | February 24, 2010 4:59 PM
I maintain that she's one of the most brilliant performers of our time, capable of maintaining this persona with a consistency that puts Andy Kaufman's best work in the shade. It's a blatant parody that's so pitch-perfect, both liberals and conservatives only see what they're predisposed to see in it-- and both are made to look foolish by their kneejerk responses to it.
Posted by: Raka | February 24, 2010 5:00 PM
Raka,
People never look foolish by responding to idiocy as though it's idiocy, whether it's meant seriously or not. The only difference the level of sincerity makes is whether we should be laughing with Ms. Jackson or at her.
Posted by: Gretchen | February 24, 2010 5:10 PM
Raka, I'd really like to believe that... but this kind of crazy does exist in real life, unfortunately.
And I don't think anyone looks foolish by reacting negatively to something like this when it's poe-ishness is so ambiguous, at best.
Posted by: Twewi | February 24, 2010 5:12 PM
Philbert got the first one (pflügen). Hier's the other one
"Rahm means "high" or "lofty."
No.
it means cream :)
thank you. I'll be hier until highnumber throws the watermelon at me and knocks me off the stage
Posted by: VikingMoose | February 24, 2010 5:33 PM
I Putt Putt in your general direction.
Nope, it just doesn't work.
Posted by: BobbyEarle | February 24, 2010 5:39 PM
Actually, "loudly failing to get the joke" is a time-honored and literally foolproof method of looking foolish.
That said, I'll allow that there is a possibility that she's sincere. In which case, applauding her "performance" functions as criticism. And it's much less shrill, ugly, and revealing than many other forms of criticism.
Just sayin'.
Posted by: Raka | February 24, 2010 5:40 PM
Sure, Raka, whatever you say. Also, that Kirk Cameron guy and Ray Comfort with their banana thing? Just a joke, and you're a fool if you say that stuff is idiotic. Sarah Palin? Pulled the world's biggest joke with that "I can see Russia from my house" thing....what a dolt you were for making fun of it. Pat Robertson didn't mean any of that stuff about God sending Katrina to demolish New Orleans because of the gays...he's just having a big one over on us.
I guess we should never denounce something as stupid, even when we have no reason whatsoever to assume that the person saying it is joking, lest we make fools of ourselves in the process. Oh wait, I'm pretty sure that would make us look even more foolish.
Posted by: Gretchen | February 24, 2010 5:48 PM
Raka @ 41
Aaaaargh!
Posted by: Scott Hanley | February 24, 2010 5:57 PM
Strangely enough, so is gullibility and dismissing anything that makes your side look foolish and/or dangerous as a joke.
Posted by: Sadie Morrison | February 24, 2010 6:07 PM
Gretchen @ 42:
No need to exaggerate my position. I think there's adequate reason to assume that she is joking. The same, unfortunately, cannot be said for Palin, Robertson, et al. If you're really interested in comparing interpretations of Ms Jackson's oeuvre... well, I suspect it would be a waste of time, but I can think of worse ones. I'm game.
Scott Hanley @ 43:
C'mon, I had to.
Posted by: Raka | February 24, 2010 6:18 PM
Sadie Morrison @44:
Um. Yes. Gullibility does make one look foolish. That's what I'm talking about. If I'm right about Jackson, everyone else is gullible, since they are actively being deceived. If I'm wrong, then I'm not gullible (since no one is trying to persuade me that she is playing us all for fools); I'm credulous. Which would also make me look foolish. I'm open to that possibility. Wouldn't be the first time.
"dismissing anything that makes your side look foolish and/or dangerous"... My side? I infer from this that you're assuming that I'm a conservative? Not sure what evidence you have other than "he's disagreeing!". Also, if I'm right about Jackson, liberals would be much less foolish-looking than conservatives. Falling for a parody of some other group is not faultless, but it's much less idiotic than embracing a parody as one of your own.
Can we stop the sniping and all agree that unquestionably genuine conservatives are cheering her viewpoints, and that's cranial-trauma levels of stupid regardless of Jackson's intent?
Posted by: Raka | February 24, 2010 6:43 PM
Fumigation, "chemical Ali is at it again". We can invent any number of names, but it is all the same thing - so why are some bozos so upset with 'fart'?
Posted by: MadScientist | February 24, 2010 6:59 PM
Raka,
Okay, what is it? Because if it's the sheer ridiculousness of what she said, keep in mind that-- as has already been pointed out-- completely sincere people have said sillier things. And Victoria Jackson has been saying things like this for a very long time. She also, as I recall, remarked to Julia Sweeney after seeing Sweeney's one-woman show "Letting Go of God" that she, Jackson, should do a similar show about her experience finding Jesus.
If you can detect the long-running joke in all of this, O Enlightened One, do share.
Posted by: Gretchen | February 24, 2010 7:25 PM
Does she only criticize Democrats that swear? Cheney is famous for using the same word in public.
Posted by: KeithB | February 24, 2010 7:25 PM
I'm worried about her. Seriously. People suddenly get religion for a lot of reasons, some cynical, some sincere--and one of the most common sincere reasons is a flat-out psychotic break. Every time I read of something Jackson's said, that's the impression I get. Tragic, really.
Posted by: Molly, NYC | February 24, 2010 7:30 PM
"... some asshole talking shit behind my back..."
She was amusing in UHF. Besides, at the time, I wanted to hit it. Now I just want to hit her.
(Dear mister FBI person: I'm kidding!)
Posted by: Benjamin Geiger | February 24, 2010 7:58 PM
Jeff "Is there any reason that we should not change the word 'fart' to 'razzamatazz?'"
No. The part that gets me is that changing the name somehow makes it better. Calling a fart a fart will lead to heroin addiction, but calling it something else will lead to ponies and sunshine. Bizarre.
"Even if this woman is delusional, that is one awesome idea."
She is, and it is. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Philbert "But the German for "to plough" is pflügen."
That's not the point. The point is that "belief" is the same thing as "fact".
Posted by: Modusoperandi | February 24, 2010 9:22 PM
(grabs watermelon. picks up sledgeomatic. walks over by vikingmoose.)
Posted by: highnumber | February 25, 2010 1:26 AM
Gretchen @48: In short, it's too consistent. She takes the stereotype of an ignorant, sheltered, hyper-Christian, frightened-by-the-outside-world suburban soccer mom and hits every single attribute like she's going down a checklist. And for every one, she takes it just a bit past the point of plausible. The great majority of people-- even crazy people-- have a range, in which they're more irrational about some things, more normative about others, and largely indifferent to the rest. The exceptions tend to either be monomaniacal (everything is controlled by the Jews!) or so completely detached from reality that you can't really have a cohesive conversation with them.
Jackson never settles for just parroting a talking point; she echoes it and adds in a carefully measured soupcon of crazy. Every single time. But somehow, she never crosses the line of craziness where her hosts feel compelled to distance themselves-- they just laugh or look vaguely uncomfortable. And she does stay within (just barely) the acceptable party platform on every topic. No actual human is that pitch-perfect all the time. That's a cartoon, a caricature; an act.
She might be a genuine Christian conservative who's poking gentle fun at her own crew. Maybe it's a primarily a ploy to keep herself in the public eye for career purposes, and coincidentally mock the liberals she truly dislikes. Or maybe it's Colbert taken to an almost sublime level of artistry. I maintain that it still rings false. And unlike Palin and Robertson and Beck, it is safe to laugh but otherwise ignore her. Seriously, is anyone worried that some ridiculous washed-up Saturday Night Live alum with a thin portfolio of political "commentary" is going to achieve actual significance in politics?
Posted by: Raka | February 25, 2010 10:59 AM
Why don't you ask Al Franken
Posted by: Jojo | February 25, 2010 12:50 PM
Jojo @55: May I take that response as a demonstration of my point?
Posted by: Raka | February 25, 2010 2:54 PM
Raka @56: I was going to say "no" but my laughter was interfering with my typing.
Posted by: Jojo | February 25, 2010 3:00 PM
Raka:
Speaking only for myself, I think both you and Vicky are fucking delusion. Just sayin!@
Posted by: demcommie | February 25, 2010 10:06 PM
You know, I have to wonder if that article of hers was really supposed to be taken seriously. It is just possible she was trying to be funny and failing.
Posted by: J. Edward Tremlett | February 28, 2010 4:25 PM