Dispatches from the Creation Wars

Tea Party Summer Camp for Kids

Are you a wingnut family tired of sending your kids to Vacation Bible School? Well now you have another option — you can send them to a Tea Party summer camp in beautiful Tampa, Florida. Just imagine all of the fun activities your kids can take part in, like:

  • Map-drawing exercises, where your kids can learn how to draw new, conservative maps that place Hawaii within the borders of Kenya or Indonesia and put Lexington in New Hampshire instead of Massachusetts.
  • History workshops where they can learn that Adolf Hitler laid the groundwork for the killing of six million Jews by first giving them affordable access to health care. They’ll even get to take home a t-shirt that says “Obamacare: Where every Dr. is named Mengele.”
  • The Living Constitution, a seminar that will feature Herman Cain explaining to the children why the federal government has no authority over bankruptcy despite the fact that Article 1 explicitly gives them that power. And special guest Michelle Bachmann will explain why she just adores the Constitution even though she thinks the census that it mandates every 10 years is a Muslim socialist plot to destroy America.
  • And what would a summer camp be without arts and crafts? At the Tea Party summer camp, students will learn to forge their own Obama birth certificates. Any student who manages to fool Orly Taitz with their forgery and prompt her to file another pointless lawsuit over it will get free tuition to next year’s camp.

But that’s not all. Victoria Jackson will show them how to do handstands and delight them with stories about her glory days when she and Jon Lovitz would spend hours at hotel bars trying to convince strangers that they really are funny and that they know David Spade personally.

At night we’ll sit around the campfire, roast marshmallows and tell ghost stories like the Tale of the Creeping Sharia, stories that we’ll use to teach the kids the importance of checking under their bed and in their closets for Muslim boogeymen every night before they go to bed.

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