Dispatches from the Creation Wars

I’ve always found it interesting the people who have voices in their heads are always being told by those voices to do terrible things like kill people. Why don’t people have voices in their head telling them to volunteer at a homeless shelter or something? In that same manner, people who think they talk to God almost invariably think God tells them all the things they want to be true. Like all those political candidates who think — or at least say — that God has called them to enter the race. How come God never tells them they’re gonna get beaten like a drum if they run? The Onion apparently has the answer.

Describing Texas Gov. Rick Perry as grossly unqualified for the position, God, the Creator and Ruler of the Universe, urged Perry not to run for president of the United States Wednesday. “I prayed last night and asked the Lord to support my candidacy, and He said no,” Perry told reporters outside the Texas Capitol, explaining that God had cited the governor’s rejection of federal stimulus funds to expand state jobless benefits, his irresponsible speculation about Texas seceding from the union, and his overall lack of concrete solutions to the nation’s problems as reasons why He could not endorse a Perry presidential bid. “I believe God made some valid points about my lack of credentials, and He’s absolutely right. My extreme beliefs when it comes to social issues and states’ rights are not only disturbingly narrow-minded, but would also make me a horrible president.” When reached for comment, God said He would not be present at Perry’s much-talked-about Christian day of prayer on Aug. 6, calling the governor’s use of his public office to endorse a religion both “irresponsible” and a violation of the Constitution.

I think I could get along with that God.